always be my baby

Anyone who knows me will attest to the fact that I Love Babies. So much so, that it requires all capital letters. Really, I love them that much. As long as I can remember, I've felt like someday, my real purpose in life will be being a mother. I just feel like that's what I am meant to do. And I like to think that I will be a good one.

Lately, I can't stand them. It is so freaking frustrating, because I can't really talk about it (literally-- can't, as in I start crying uncontrollably), nor do I really want to because I am the master of pretending like things don't bother me, but AGHDSG I cannot stand it! People know I love babies, so when someone has one, they tell me all about it. Or when someone finds out they are pregnant, they tell me about it. IDONTWANTTOHEARIT, OK? Just for now, can we pretend like I hate babies?

You don't understand why this is hard for me, I get that. I wouldn't expect you to get it. Part of the problem is not having anyone who understands it.

Someday I'll want to hear about them again. And in the meantime, I'll pretend like I still do, because that is who I am. I love babies. Everyone knows that.

september 21

I don't want it to be Monday tomorrow. I really don't like Sunday nights, especially this week because I have two wakes and a funeral to go to this week, plus a big exam on Thursday. Ick.

J and I watched Crash tonight. It was really good, and depressing. Makes you think twice about how you treat people. It reminded me of Mitch Albom's book The 5 People You Meet in Heaven, in the sense that people you don't even know can drastically alter your life.

Yesterday we had dinner at J's sister's house for Nephew#1's birthday, and his mom's birthday too. I love those kids, they're so freakin cute. Today we went to my cousin's for her belated wedding reception, which turned out to be ALL my old aunts and uncles, but it was worth it just to see her, and to make my grandpa happy. I've had a really bad headache all day, most likely because today was Day 1 on my birth control and I always get headaches after not taking them during the off-week. :/

i always turn the car around

I just spent an hour reading an old journal from high school. I was a huge tard.

Here's my day:
+Friday, always a good day.
-Stayed late at work for no reason at all.
-My paycheck is not nearly as glorious as it should be, now that I'm down to 25 hours instead of 40.
+I saw my grandparents today and they make me laugh.
+I saw J, and Milo, and got kisses from both =)
-I have been cold the majority of the day
+My medication for my paralyzed stomach is working and I have not been sick in two weeks.
-I have a lot of homework and have gotten hardly any done.
+It was absolutely BEAUTIFUL today.
-I didn't eat as healthy as I wanted to.
+I didn't get insecure tonight.

I think I read into things too much. Right? Right.

do you catch a breath when i look at you?

After I got out of class today, I drove all around Berlin and Newington looking for a pet store to get flea killers. I ended up buying Advantage Topical Solution at Petco for $78, plus a powder to put on the carpet before vacuuming, and spray to get all his bedding clean. Hopefully this does the trick. The powder can also be used as a dry bath, so my little buddy doesn't have to suffer through cold baths anymore. That alone is worth $100 in my book!

I am loving David Archuletta's new song. Insert teeny-bopper moment here =)

Here are some lovely pictures from NYC!

[gallery]

Annnd I'll leave you with a quote of the day:
"The only limit to our realization of tomorrow will be our doubts of today. Let us move forward with strong and active faith." --Franklin D. Roosevelt

a little bit of this

I am too mentally exhausted to write anything substantial tonight. All I'll say is that today was really sad, and going to my Death and Dying class after eight hours of non-stop sadness, I'm sadnessed out today. So here's a happy survey, yay =)

1. You wake up in the morning. What time is it probably?
On a work/school day - between 6:30 and 7:00. I try to get up around 6:30 but that hardly ever happens.

2. You get yourself some breakfast. What do you make?
Sometimes a bowl of cereal with coffee, sometimes a bagel & peanut butter with coffee. If I'm feeling ambitious, I'll make oatmeal.

3. Someone calls you on the phone. Who do you want it to be?
No one ever calls me early in the morning!

4. You turn on the TV for a bit. What channel do you put it on?
If I watch TV in the morning, it would be the weather or the news. But I rarely, rarely watch TV.

5. You have some time to kill before you leave. What do you do?
Go online and check my email.

6. You go and have a shower. How long does it take you?
In the morning they are quick, I just wash my face and stuff. At night, I alternate one night with washing my hair and the other with shaving. Around 20 minutes though, probably.

7. You decide to get yourself ready for your day. How long does it take?
15 minutes? Not very long. Unless I dont know what I'm going to wear, that takes the longest.

8. You put on some makeup. What do you put on?
Mascara. Sometimes mineral foundation and eyeshadow if I've got time.

9. You’re ready to leave. What do you take out with you?
For work, I just take my purse and lunch. For school I take my backpack, purse, and some snacks.

10. How long does it take you to get to work?
Less than five minutes, walking or driving =)

11. What is the first thing you do when you get to work?
Punch in, check my desk and try to make a schedule for the day, and find out which residents were admitted/discharged/sent to the hospital.

12. Do you take part in office gossip/water cooler talk?
I listen to it, but I generally don't add to it.

13. Anything particularly annoying about each work day?
When I have meetings all the time.

14. What’s the best part of the day?
It's a tie between going home and listening to coversations some of my resident's have with each other. 'Cause they are funny =)

15. Do you usually leave on time or stay late? Take any work home with you?
I leave on time unless I have extra things to do. I don't take work home, because I wouldn't be able to do any of it away from work unless I took my sixty five residents with me.

16. The boss calls to tell you that don’t have to work, and you’re free for a whole day. What do you do?
Stay at home, in pjs, and get ahead on homework. Haha, no, I'd probably watch girly movies all day. Why do homework when I don't have to?

17. With whom would you want to spend the day?
John, but he works and hardly ever has days off.

18. You go to the store to get some snackage, but it turns out you can only buy one thing there. What do you buy?
Dark chocolate or a vitamin water.

19. You’re walking down the street and you find a magic lamp that grants you 3 wishes. What do you wish for?
Neverending supply of money, good health for myself and the people i love, and homes for all the abandoned kitties in the world.

20. You meet a man who says he will give you your dream job, what is it?
Full time mom =) but I wouldn't want that for several years anyway. And it's not like I'll ever be able to do that financially.

21. You can choose any concert of any singer/band in the world; whose do you go to?
Lifehouse, obviously.

22. You get home & there’s a check for $50,000 in the mail for you. On what would you spend it?
I'd put half of it in a savings account and use the other half towards a down payment for a house.

23. You get to bring back anyone from the dead, famous or not. Who would it be?
Heath Ledger, because he had many great movies ahead of him. And my great-grandfather, because he loved the fact that I am named after his mother.

24. You get to interview your favorite celebrity. Who is it, and what would you ask him/her?
Jason Wade, and I'd ask him all sorts of things about the music he writes.

25. You get to see into the future but you can only find out one thing about your future life. What would you want to find out?
If I'm happy at the end.

26. At the end of your perfect day, you go on a perfect date; describe it.
Well it's a surprise, because I love surprises. All of it would be a surprise, that's what would make it so perfect.

And...this makes me smile:

life and living

I got news tonight that my "big" boss, the owner of the company I work for, was found dead late this afternoon. I was shocked, and even though I didn't know him that well, I do know his wife and son well, and I was really sad to hear that he'd died. For his family, for his friends, for my company. There is no death that is not tragic.

You would think that working at a nursing home, and seeing death every single day would make me a little immune to it. You would think that my heart wouldn't sink each time I hear "So-and-so died last night." It doesn't work that way. It's also ironic that I'm taking Death and Dying this semester, and I've already had two people I know die in the two weeks that I've taken the course. I am in the process of researching grief, and I've sent interview questions to my good friend K about her own experience with death. I feel like death is all around me right now - at work, in school...it's as if I have to ask myself, "who is going to die next?"

In my class, my professor stresses the fact that we are not guaranteed tomorrow. And it's already changed my perspective, because I find myself being more careful with the words I choose to use and the situations that I choose to get upset over. I have had a lot of brushes with death in the last 3 years. I've had good friends lose parents and siblings. I've had aunts and uncles die. I've had two classmates die just in the last three months...not close classmates, but people that I knew and went to school with.

I guess Ben Folds was write, everybody knows it sucks to grow up. Life gets so much more complicated. Sure, there are bills to pay and classes to pass and work to get done...there are also relationships to maintain, crises that occur without warning, and people who die. I'm working a real job where people depend on me, trying to get through my last year of undergrad, trying my best to be a good girlfriend, daughter, sister, and friend, trying to maintain all of those relationships as best I can, trying to pay my bills, trying to stay on top of my health, and trying to make sense out of the horrible things that happen in this world.

What justifies a natural disaster that wipes out entire towns? What justifies putting an elderly woman into a nursing home, an institution, for the rest of her life? What justifies losing a child you didn't want to lose? What justifies someone dying? What justifies anything bad? There are days when I get home and I wonder what the point of all this is. Really, what's the point? Why am I here, why are you here?

And then I realize that the good things, the beautiful things in life are why we are here. We are here for love, compassion, goodness, and generosity. When someone dies, people band together and support each other in the grief. People find resilience and strength where they didn't think it existed. I have amazing, beautiful, strong people in my life. When I see my parents look at each other like they are still newlyweds, I realize what the point is. When I see J crack a genuine smile, I realize what the point is. When I see someone go out of their way to help someone, I realize what the point is. When I see the innocence in children, I realize what the point is.

I wish with my whole heart that bad things did not have to happen. I wish the world was full of peace, that people did not die, that natural disasters just did not happen. But without the grief, pain, and suffering, how would we truly appreciate love, happiness, and joy? Without struggle, how could we know what true peace is? It doesn't make losing someone any easier. It doesn't make a tragedy and less devastating. But I do find hope in the fact that love and compassion do still exist in this world. I find hope in the amazing people I have by my side. I find hope, period.

Poor Milo =(

I emailed M last night to find out about how to deal with kitty fleas. Apparently, it might take 3-4 months to get rid of them all. J said he is finding flea eggs everywhere, which is a bad sign. I feel so bad for Milo, the poor thing is so itchy and he's getting scabs now. My cats never had fleas, and never went outside, but neither does Milo. We've given him about four flea baths, which he hates, but it does help get them off him. It's only temporary, since there are so many eggs everywhere that they reattach to him as soon as they come off. My poor baby :( I wish I could just zap them away so he could stop being itchy.



It's just not fair that a kitty so cute has to be itchy!