hello, buddy the elf! what's your favorite color?!

With the new year coming up so quickly, I've been thinking about resolutions - I make them every year, and they last about three days before I've given in. I've seen a lot of people who do 101 in 1001 - where you set a list of 101 goals to complete in 1001 days, which is about 2.75 years. I've seen a lot of really great lists and I think that setting goals (real goals) could only make me feel better about myself. So, I've decided that I'm going to work on making a list, and hopefully by January 1st, I can start 101 in 1001. I would feel super good about myself if I actually did all 101 of them.

I have two finals tomorrow, I'm pretty nervous about the first one, it's 50 multiple choice (I'm really bad at multiple choice) and this professor is really hard (I am typically a straight A student and got a B- on the midterm...most of the class failed) so I don't really know what to expect. The second is my gender class, and we get to have a cheat sheet, so I spent 3 hours today making that. I'm sure it'll be easy enough. Wednesday I have my death and dying exam, then Thursday is math and immigration. Ahh I can't wait to be done so I can bake Christmas cookies and go shopping for gifts and other fabulous holiday things.

My first final is at 8am, which means I have to leave at 7am, which means I have to be up around 6am, which is going to be thoroughly painful, considering I hate getting out of bed. This means I should be going to bed soon...I'm sure I can skip one night of being a night owl, right? Right.

I need to go Christmas shopping this week. I've finished most of John's family, I just need to get him a couple more things and get my sister's gift since I drew her name. I want to see if I can get to that cute store in Kensington this weekend, I know she'd love some things from there. The building is decorated as a giant present - seriously, what's not to love about that? I also need to decide what I'm making for Christmas Eve...I'm thinking an appetizer, feel free to throw out suggestions.

Oh, and a side note - this is another reason why Milo is the best kitten in the world: John came home from work today and heard his TV on, which he thought was weird. He walked into his room and saw Milo sprawled out on his bed, watching TV. How he got the TV on is a mystery, but he sure is an awesome little guy.

(at least we know he's got some self-defense skills in case he's confronted with a big mean dog or something)

it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you ; )

I am most definitely in the Christmas spirit. I am most definitely not in the study-for-finals spirit.

Saturday night my family had our big annual dinner party at the Griswold Inn in Essex. It was a big deal this year because I was deemed old enough to go, and my grandfather was really looking forward to John and I going. It was a lot of fun and hopefully everyone had as good a time as John and I had. I ordered steak for the second time in my life and was thoroughly disappointed with the cosmopolitan I ordered, it was most definitely not work almost $9.00. The steak was good, but I'm still not a huge fan of red meat. The rolls, though? Oh man, I could have eaten them all night, being the carb-oholic that I am. I think bread is the only thing that hasn't been making me want to throw up lately.

Speaking of that, I need to get back into see that specialist. I have been nauseous ALL week, and I think the stress of finals is just making my stomach issue even worse. My stomach is paralyzed and when I eat, the food isn't pushed through like it should be, leaving me feeling sick. It's a side-effect of having an eating disorder for four/five years, and it will likely never go away. It's annoying, but if it's the worst side effect I get, then I'll take it. I am supposed to take these pills before each meal, but my problem is that I don't eat three main meals a day, I tend to snack on little stuff. So I need to go back and find out what else I can do, because it's not fun feeling like I'm going to throw up constantly.

I think I'm calling out of work in the morning, because I am exhausted and feel like I'm coming down with something. My body aches and I can feel a migraine coming on, so I'm figuring it will be better to stay home tomorrow and not feel worse on Tuesday for finals. Speaking of, I still have to finish my paper and study for ALL FIVE finals. My problem is that I can't concentrate with all the Christmas-ness going on around me; I would much rather bake cookies or decorate or sing along to massive amounts of Christmas music.

Also, I have a new love. She doesn't have a name yet, but she is still extremely fluffy and adorable and I just want to eat her up.

John & I at the Christmas dinner. We clean up pretty well =)

Erin and the unnamed puppy. HOW CUTE IS SHE?!

Oh, and I almost forgot! My "skinny" jeans are loose on me...as in, I need a belt to keep them from falling down.  I dont know if it's from me being back at the gym (probably) or God just decided to hand me this one little favor, but it has boosted my confidence significantly. Just in time for Florida, seeing as we leave in TWENTY days. I guess I can pack my bikini after all ; )

the broken clock is a comfort

If you haven't seen the music video for Black Balloon, I suggest you go youtube it, because Johnny Rzenik is absolutely mouth-watering in it. And it's one of the best songs of all time. In fact, I have been working on a top 20 list for the last year, of my favorite songs (mostly when I am procrastinating and do not want to do any school work - it's a fabulous distraction, you should try it sometime) and Black Balloon is on my list. Because it is finals, and I am procrastinating like never before, I finished my list today. It is a supercalafragalisticexpialadocious list, if I do say so myself.

1. Broken - Lifehouse. Clearly, they are my favorite band. Clearly, it wouldn't be fair for me to put all of their songs on my top 20 list, but I can't help but to put four and a half (one is a cover) of theirs up because they are so good. Sometimes I am convinced that Jason Wade writes these songs specifically for me, that's how close to home they feel. Watch the video and just look at his face! He is so passionate about his music. The lyrics, when you first hear them or read them, seem depressing, but I think they are inspiring - just hold on, and everything will work out in the end. Everyone has felt like their world is falling apart and for me, this song really hit home this past May. I held onto it like a lifeline, and it got a little bit easier everyday to deal with what was going on. I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing with a broken heart that's still beating; in the pain there is healing, in your name I find meaning, so I'm holding on, I'm still holding, I'm barely holding onto you. I felt like my life was spinning out of control at 90 miles per hour, and this song gave me stability, it gave me something to hold onto when nothing else was going the way I wanted it to. After everything that happened, I'm still here, I'm still breathing, and even though there are days when it stops me in my tracks and I feel like I can't go forward, I find a way to.


2. Everything - Lifehouse. Click the link, if you know what's good for you. It's my faaaavorite live performance of the song; it gives me chills every time, no fail. It's an old performance, in Amsterdam, but my god it is the most genius six and a half minutes you will ever lay eyes (and ears) on. If you are impatient, you can fast forward to 4 minutes and 21 seconds, when it gets REALLY good. This is another amazing version, it's from their DVD. This is the most amazing song ever written, hands down, in the history of ever and ever. It is even better when you see it performed live. It's such a raw song, it holds nothing back.


3. Iris - Goo Goo Dolls. I have never met someone who dislikes this song. It was overplayed on the radio, but if you really listen to the lyrics, you will see that it is also a genius song. "You can't fight the tears that ain't coming or the moment of truth in your lies; when everything feels like the movies you bleed just to know you're alive"...it hardly gets more genius than that. Hardly.


4. World Spins Madly On - The Weepies. Clearly, I love this song enough to name my blog after it. My favorite part? "The whole world is moving and I am standing still." It must have been written for me, because I swear I feel like that every day of my life.


5. Let it Be - The Beatles. Classic, timeless, and again, genius. When I'm having a bad day, this always cheers me up.


6. Hallelujah - Rufus Wainwright. Just listen to this, you'll know why it's so great.


7. Beast of Burden - Rolling Stones or Lifehouse. I love the original, but I obviously love Lifehouse's cover. The video I linked is seriously amazing, I freaking love that man. It's obvious when he sings that he gets really into it, which makes the music that much better.


8. Fast Car - Tracy Chapman. This song makes me sad. I think most people can relate to it at some point or another; you try so hard at something and no matter what you do it just doesn't work out. It's such a raw and honest song, anyone who has ever felt like they don't belong can relate to it somewhat.


9. Black Balloon - Goo Goo Dolls. Johnny Rzenik wrote this song for a friend of his who was a heroin addict, but it's pretty universal, I think. It's about overcoming, beating, and moving past something that got the best of you. I love the last line, "I'll become what you became to me." GENIUS!


10. Anna Begins - Counting Crows. I LOVE this acoustic version. It's such an emotional song and I give a TON of credit to people who can sing this and sing it well. "She can't stop shaking and I can't stop touching her and this time when kindness falls like rain it washes her away and Anna begins to change her mind, and these seconds where I'm shaking leave me shuddering for days, she says, I'm not ready for this sort of thing." I can't even begin to attempt to explain this song; its just one of those songs you have to get all on your own.


11. Crush - DMB. Its the ultimate love song, like, if a guy sang that to me I'd be sold. Who wouldn't want to hear all that?


12. Simon - Lifehouse. I know, I know. I can't help it, they are just that good. If you are ever questioning yourself, or your purpose, or why things happen to you, listen to this song. When you feel alone, betrayed, or broken, this song lets you know you're not alone. You're not the only one. Jason wrote this when he was 17 (I think - either 15 or 17) about a friend who was bullied - listen to these lyrics and let me know if you know anyone that young that could write something so profound. "Refuse to feel anything at all, refuse to slip, refuse to fall. You canan't be weak, can't stand still, watch your back cause no one will. You don't know why they had to go this far; traded your worth for the scars, for your only company. Don't believe the lies that they have told to you, not one word was true, you're alright." This is my favorite version; again it is from Amsterdam a while ago. But amazing.


13. Name - Goo Goo Dolls. This is a classic Goo's song, if not the most classic. I especially like the 'scars are souvenirs you never lose' part, because I have one of those. Ok, so that wasn't entirely serious, obviously he means emotional scars, but everyone has those. So it works. I love the guitar in this, it's so catchy and so perfect.


14. Georgia - Hanson. I LOVE LOVE LOVE the piano in this; it makes me want to learn piano even more than I did before I found this song. I like the actual music in this song more than the lyrics; I think Hanson is more talented with creating a melody than they are with writing lyrics. I know a lot of people don't like them, but you cannot deny that they are incredible musicians, and that is why I love them so much.


15. Come on Get Higher - Matt Nathanson. SUCH a good song. My sister thinks it's dirty, but it's not. You have to really listen to it to understand that its not dirty. It's about loving someone, real love, and it reminds me of the beginning of a relationship when everything is new and exciting. It's even better live =)


16. In Your Eyes - Peter Gabriel. I have loved this song for a long time. It's a classic, and it's brilliantly written.


17. Brick - Ben Folds. "Can't you see it's not me you're dying for"...really? Profound much? Honestly. I love this song.


18. Storm - Lifehouse. Yes, another. This is an OLD song, from before there was Lifehouse. It's from back when they were Blyss, but they redid this song for the most recent record. I've loved this song since the first time I heard it many years ago, and it never gets old. I love when an artist can sing with so few instruments, I think that shows the true caliber of his talent. "And I will get lost into your eyes, I know everything will be alright." Again, hit pretty close to home earlier this year. It always hits close to home because again, I'm convinced he writes his song specifically for me.


19. Far Away - Nickelback. I dont really have an emotional attachment to this song, I just really like it a lot. It's not a typical Nickelback song, but I think there is something really awesome when a band like Nickelback can sing a ballad. It kind of just makes me melt a little bit.


20. One - U2. This doesn't really need explaining. Everyone knows it is a brilliant song

So, there we have it. I'm sure the list will change, because I'm always discovering amazing music, but I think most of these songs have remained my favorites for several years. I couldn't live without music, I live for live shows, and I have SO MANY bands that I love, so many songs that I can't live without, and I absolutely love acoustic versions of songs. I couldn't even fit any Nirvana or Pearl Jam or Seether or Foo Fighters or Everly or Emerson Hart on my list. There is just way too much good music in this world =)

we know it's never simple, never easy.

I must be hormonal or something; I have gone from wanting to scream to wanting to cry to wanting to pull my hair out all day today. Everything is frustrating me to the umpteenth power. I have felt sick all day. ALL DAY. I think it is stress related, seeing as I have SO much to do in the next week. I've hardly eaten anything in almost three days. Just for that reason, I wish I got stressed more often.

And what makes today so much worse? I just saw an ASPCA commercial, and I can't freaking STAND when people abuse animals. Seriously. What is so bad in your life that you have to beat an innocent cat or dog to death? Who the fuck do you think you are to put your dog through caged fighting?? How is it fun to light a kitten on fire?? Who gives you the right to burn off a rabbit's fur just so you can see if your new product will hurt a human? My dream, if I could do anything at all with my life, is to open a non-profit animal shelter. My dog was going to be euthanized because people down south are so racist that they abandon black animals - they throw them on the street to fend for themselves, and the shelthers are so overloaded that they're forced to euthanize if homes can't be found within a couple weeks.  Anyone who has met Cooper knows he is the sweetest dog. He doesn't have a mean bone in his body. He loves everyone no matter what. There are days when he's my best friend because he's the only one who loves unconditionally. He was abused just because of the color of his fur, which is absolutely ridiculous. We may have physically rescued Cooper, but he's rescued me in so many other ways. I wish with every fiber of my being that I could stop animal abuse, and it makes me so sad that it will likely never go away.

i'm giving in

I love when a song says exactly what I'm feeling.

I want more, but I don't. I am happy, but I'm frustrated. I feel loved, but I don't feel wanted. I feel wicked insecure about myself and I don't know why.

I am so frustrated right now, with school, and my life being static, and being broke, and not being able to buy good Christmas gifts this year. I hate when I can't buy good gifts.

Some days, I'm really proud of myself for doing what I've done with my life. I've gotten through three major life catastrophes relatively unscathed, and I'm pretty proud of how I handled them. I could have not gotten help for my eating disorder, but I chose to ask for it. I almost died from a freaking deer, but I didn't let it slow me down. I handled a life changing surprise with relative ease, and dealt with the outcome as best I could. The latest has been hard, and it doesn't want to go away, but I still think I am handling it fairly well...if you consider skipping out on my cousin's baby shower because I was terrified of going handling it fairly well, that is.  I'm proud of myself for not letting this appear as traumatic as it feels most days. And some days, when I'm really proud of myself, I wonder if I'm doing enough to make myself truly happy. Because I deserve it.

I dont really know what the point of this is.

near the end

I only have two days of class left (yes, TWO) before finals start. This makes me very happy for a few reasons:

1. It means I will have a month long break from school. This makes me VERY happy.
2. It means it's almost Christmas, and I love Christmas.
3. It means it's also almost time to leave for Disney, which possibly makes me happiest of all.

I also dislike this time of year very much, because I have no time for ANYthing. This is what I have to get done by next Thursday: a 12 page paper on Swedish immigration and my grandpa, 8 page paper reflecting on three books assigned in one of my sociology classes (I've only read one of them so far), study for a math final (I have two of them for one class), a Gender final, a Race, Class & Gender final, a Death & Dying final, and an Immigration final. I haven't even STARTED my Christmas shopping, nor have I cleaned my car or room in weeks.

I'm pretty sure I wont be posting for at least a few days. =( Unless someone wants to do all this work for me!

christmas cards already??

Today, I wrote out almost all of my Christmas cards (if you got a message from me on Facebook asking for your address - that's why!) and all I have left to do is go to the post office to mail them...which is always what takes me forever.

That's the thing about the post office (just like the bank)...it is only open during business hours. I work 9-5:30, and on the days I go to school, I'm there from 8:00 - 4:30. By time I get home from school, it's usually after 5, and they are both closed already. On the weekends, I'm so busy that I forget to do these silly errands. And this is why it takes me days or weeks (or, in the case of Jen's Christmas gift last year, MONTHS) to mail things that require more than one stamp or something out of the ordinary.

I am putting the pieces together for my presentation on my family's Swedish immigration history. I'm hoping to find this dress that my great-grandfather got for me, it's a traditional Swedish dress that was made in his hometown (Nissafors) that I wore for as many Christmases as I could fit into it, and it's been worn by many of my cousins. I also have lots of pictures of my grandparents, my cousins in Sweden, and letters written between my grandparents as they 'courted.'  (Good old days, right?) Hopefully I do well, and I'm hoping that I do well enough on my paper that I can send it to my family to read...obviously I'm only sending it if I get an A. ; )

I have so much work to do and I am obviously procrastinating. Tomorrow is my long day. But then it's Thursday and the week will almost be over!