everyone stumbles sometimes

Well, I think this was one of the strangest weekends I've had in a long time. Not strange in a bad way, but definitely not typical at all. Saturday I went to Deep River with the family to see the parade. Lots and lots and lots of cute guys, and one of hit on me (of course it had to happen in front of the whole family so I didn't follow through haha) so that made it worth the four hours sitting in the beating sun and the funny shaped sunburn on my back. I passed out on the couch that afternoon for three hours and nobody bothered to wake me up or anything, so it was a completely unproductive day. That night I had free tickets to see Vince Gill and Amy Grant, both of whom I hadn't seen for probably ten years, so that was interesting. I don't typically like that sort of music, but it reminds me of my childhood because my mom played his music ALL the time.

Today I went to church because lately I've been feeling like I need some sort of guidance in my life - I know, sounds completely ridiculous but I don't know. I don't pay attention in church and I don't even participate in a majority of the service, but going almost gives me a strange sense of peace. And I think that's what I've needed lately, just a sense of peace, because I think it's so easy to get caught up and lost in everything else that goes on. I mean, I have my faith and I know what I believe in, but I've never felt like going to church makes any difference to me. I think it's almost hypocritical in a sense to say that you're only a good Christian if you go to church, because it's not like God only exists inside those four walls. Anyways.

Sometimes I feel like my age holds me back from so much. I've always felt like I'm years ahead of where I should be - at least mentally and emotionally. And in the last couple years I've dealt with so many things and I've grown up so much and I've learned so much about life and what kind of people I want to be around and what kind of person I want to be and blah blah blah. And I've had to completely turn my life around concerning my health and that has been the single hardest thing I've ever had to do. I can't even articulate exactly what I mean because it's so hard to comprehend, even for me. 18 months ago from right now I could have died at any time because of how bad it got and I didn't really understand how scary and serious that was until after the fact. Even when my parents sent me to the hospital in Boston, I had no idea how serious it was. And now in less than 2 years I've completely turned it around. I'm not saying I'm 100% better because I don't think I ever will be, but I have a handle on it. I can recognize triggers and I try so hard to stay on top of it. It's forced me to prioritize my life and really understand what matters. Dealing with it wasn't just dealing with the food or the body image. It was more dealing with the emotional crap that triggered it all and I think that is what has made me grow up so much. No one expects a 19 year old to think the way I do. My grandmother says I have an old soul but I don't necessarily think that's true. I just know exactly what I want and I know exactly who I am and I am a lot more mature than most other 19 year olds. And I think most people underestimate me just because of my age and it's frustrating at times. I feel like I have a lot more to offer the world and I'm just stuck here.

I really honestly 100% believe music holds me together. I'm seeing Lifehouse and Goo Goo Dolls on Wednesday night (!!!) Never in a million years did I think my two favorite bands would tour together. It's going to be absolutely amazing and I know it'll go by way too quickly and I'll wish that I could freeze those three hours forever and stay in them for eternity. It's funny - I've met some people who aren't that into music and I can't understand it at all. Music has always been such a big part of my life (ironic, considering I can't read music or sing to save my life). I always remember Mom having the radio on when we were kids and she started taking me to concerts with her when I was four. I can't imagine a life without music, it has gotten me through everything. I love when you hear a song that reminds you of a specific moment in time, even if it's a terrible song.

I feel like I need to write but I think I'm just babbling on now and that's pointless. I must be about to get my period because the stupidest things are making me want to cry, like the video for When You're Gone where the old man is looking at pictures of his wife and he takes her clothes out of the closet and starts crying. I never want to get old and lose someone I love like that. It breaks my heart now and I'm not even in love with anyone. It's like that saying from Winnie the Pooh, where he tells Piglet that he hopes he dies a day before Piglet does so he never has to live a day without him. How do you go on when you lose your other half? I think this is part of why I'm afraid of falling for anyone. I'm so afraid of getting hurt like that and going through all that pain, even though I know two minutes of pure happiness and love would be worth it. It still scares me. It's kind of like rejection, in a weird sense.

i'll wait for you

So maybe I'm just making all the wrong decisions. I've spent two years in school to be a teacher and have never really felt like it was what I wanted to do. So I'm not applying to the Ed program in September. I can't justify spending tons of money on the Praxis and wasting a ton of energy in a program that wont even benefit me. I almost feel like I've chosen education because it's what everyone has expected me to do. I don't have any amazing talents or abilities, so teaching just kind of fits, especially considering I love kids. I think that if I was really meant to be a teacher, I'd be a little more confident of it.

But then I also have to consider my complete lack of confidence in all areas of my life, which is no doubt contributing at least in part to my confusion right now. My new plan? Double major in history and sociology, which gives me a huuuuge array of career choices once I graduate. I think I'd like to do work with a non-profit organization, maybe event planning or PR work. This doesn't postpone my graduation plans at all, because a soc major is the same number of credits as the ed program would have. Plus, if ten years down the road I realize I do want to be a teacher, it's not like I'd have to start all over to get certified.

I think I underestimate myself a little too much. This pertains to all aspects of my life, but especially to my confidence. Today I bought a pair of shorts at NY&Co that were a size down from what I've been wearing. I don't know why I did this, especially because I left the store without trying them on (this is pretty much setting myself up for disaster because I know full well how I react to clothes not fitting me). I got home and tried them on right away and to my complete and utter shock, they fit me. They were not tight or snug or anything but perfect. Shocking, especially because I have not been in this size since before I went into the hospital last spring. The thing that really gets me is that I have not counted calories in probbaly, ohhhh at least a month. This is HUGE for me. I haven't starved myself in over a month and I haven't thrown up in about two months. I have weighed myself twice since the accident, which is definitely better than four times a day. These are huge accomplishments for me, and the thing that really makes me proud is that I've gone down a whole size without obessing about it. I even bought a shirt in a size small (!!!) and it fits everything but my boobs (of course - but that's okay). I'm not really sure what my point is, but I think I should stop underestimating myself. I can get better, I can be normal, and I can be okay with my body. Now, THAT day is way way way far away, but someday I know I'll get to that point.

I think this is also part of the reason why I can't be with anyone right now. I mean, I could be with someone, but only if they could deal with all my insecurities and I'm not sure I can expect anyone to do that. I can handle a relationship and I can handle the commitment and I can handle whatever someone else throws my way, but for some reason I feel like I shouldn't be in a relationship unless I can be perfect for him. Now, I know I will never be perfect, so I guess what I need to do is accept that. But I think it all comes full circle, because one of my biggest fears is having someone decide they can't be with me because of my flaws. Even though I know everyone has them - I guess I just make myself believe mine are worse than the next persons. Maybe I'm just afraid of rejection. I know how I react to it, it affects my eating because that's where my eating disorder stems from. And I've worked so SO hard in the last 18 months to undo years of starving my body - way too hard to just let it go. Maybe I'm afraid of losing control of my eating. I dont talk about it with anyone because no one gets it. Everyone just assumes an eating disoder is all vanity when it really isn't. I can't even handle rejection when I'm seeing someone casually, or even just rejection from anyone.

I still can't bend my index finger, even after surgery. I shouldn't complain because there are so many people suffering in this world, but I do anyway. That's something else I need to work on.