another year gone

2008 feels like it FLEW by - wasn't it just yesterday I was packing up for the last Disney trip? That was almost a year ago - crazy, I tell you. Here are some of my favorite memories of 2008:

January
>>Disney World with my family - minus getting sick halfway through the trip. I especially liked the night we ate at the Garden Grill and got visited by the Mouse himself.
>>Getting surprised on New Year's with a haircut and tickets to see PS I Love You. I wonder who did that? ; )
>>Seeing KEITH URBAN and Carrie Underwood at Mohegan with my friend Carey.
>>John & I having our pictures taken in a photobooth at the mall - you don't understand that I bugged him to do this for MONTHS, and I was so excited when he caved. He even has the picture hanging on the wall in his room.

February
>>Having a dozen roses and a teddy bear delivered to me by you-know-who on Valentine's Day.
>>Getting a new job - a steady and well-paying job (even if it didn't work out in the end).
>>Seeing my first Wolfpack game at the Civic center - and having front row seats! (They won, in case you were wondering).

March
>>LIFEHOUSE AT THE WEBSTER. Thanks to my fabulous friend Amanda, we were right in the front row. It was an amazing show, as they all are. Especially because they played From Where You Are. Swoooon.
>>Spring break...just because nothing else significant happened in March.
>>Taking the cutest picture EVER of Cooper.

April
>>Going to Disney with my grandma - she had so much fun, it was awesome to see her so happy. Clearly, it is magical there.
>>Seeing my brother and sister perform in Epcot - their band did an awesome job,  and it was just so cool so see them play in my favorite place in the world.
>>Breaking my elbow - it's the first broken bone for me! I guess rollerblading & me do not mix well.

May
>>Gillette's Castle - it was a rough day for John & me, but it was so nice to have that day together. We even carved our names into the bridge there.
>>Getting MILO! Possibly the best thing that happened all year. He kind of filled in the hole that was left, and he quickly stole both of our hearts.
>>Memorial Day - annual picnic at my house. I love watching the parade, this year we watched it at the nursing home with some of my residents. The picnic was a lot of fun, always good to see friends & family.
>>The start of BBQs for the residents at the nursing home - I really loved them all and it was great to see them outside and enjoying the sun and warm weather. They brightened many rough days for me, and I'll never forget them for it.
And, I just want to add, that despite this being the hardest and most emotionally draining month of my life, it was filled with some pretty awesome people.

June
>>Seeing Drew graduate from high school.
>>Buying my first brand new car! It's a great feeling knowing I can do that for myself.
>>Chopping ALL of my hair off - hey, it's what I do after traumatic events. ; )

July
>>One year with John - I'd never felt so lucky in my life and every day I find new things to be thankful for.
>>Going to Mystic for  a weekend with him. Seeing the Aquarium, Seaport, and giant striper fish that scared the crap out of me at the beach!
>>4th of July - one of my favorite days. Watching the fireworks, spending the day at the river with my family. I MISS SUMMER!

August
>>Seeing Backstreet Boys with the girls - it was a really fun concert and you can bet we sang our butts off!
>>Roasting marshmallow's with John's nephews - it was such a fun night and I got some awesome pictures of the boys.
>>Drew's going away party - off to college for him! We especially had fun learning gang signs from Aunt Sonia later in the night ; )

September
>>New York City! It was awesome spending the day with Amanda, Kirby and Alynda! We had the best time getting lost and wandering around the streets of NYC. I'll never forget that day.
>>Quitting my job at the nursing home! I loved the residents, but hated the way the place was run. I needed to get out of there just because it was so stressful, and was so relieved when I finally put in my notice.
>>Birthdays, birthdays, birthdays! My mom, John's mom, Jacob and Gabriel all had birthdays. It's fun seeing little kids on their birthdays, it makes me wish I was little again too.

October
>> Taking the kids hiking at Wadsworth Falls. We had so much fun that day, and it made me even more thankful to have John and his family in my life.
>>Making Milo a LOLCat. Enough said ; )
>>Starting my new job! Less stress = yay!

November
>>Thanksgiving/my birthday - this month was crazy busy/stressful with school, and the long weekend at the end of the month was a fabulous break from it all.
>>Being legal!
>>Going to Mohegan Sun with John and my grandparents - they had so much fun they didn't realize it was 2:30 in the morning. Silly grandpas =)

December
>>Massive snow storm! We shoveled for two days straight, and now I still have a sore back from it. Thanks, mother nature.
>>Griswold Inn with my family for an early Christmas dinner.
>>Christmas. For obvious reasons.
>>Meeting little Ursa, the newest (and temporary) member of my family.
>>Isabel Noel's birth. She's really cute. And has a lot of hair.

Things I'm thankful for this year? John. He is too good to me and sometimes I think I don't deserve it. And for Milo, for saving my heart when all I needed was something to love. This year was hard, but all I have to do is look at John or Milo and then I know how I got through it.

Bring on 2009!

christmas is over already?!

I'm going to try to make my Christmas story as short as possible because it lasted four days, and that could turn into a really long post.

Christmas Eve all of the Swedes went to the Riverdale as usual. My mom, cousin Caroline and I set up the entire hall that afternoon, which took about an hour. I rushed home, made a yummy broccoli dish in record time, got ready in even better record time, and headed back to the Riverdale with John for the party. Uncle Gary & Aunt Laura brought the puppy who now has a name (Ursa!) which was fun. She pretty much doubled in size since I saw her last - which was only a week ago. We did the Silly Swap as usual, but John, Erin & I gave our numbers to our little cousins Katie, Lia and Jill since they didn't have numbers. It's more fun to see the kids have fun, anyway. I chatted with little Maddie, who is the sweetest thing ever. After, my family went to the midnight service at church, where Jenny, Christy and I couldn't stop giggling and where Baby Jesus magically lit Andrew's candle fifteen minutes early.

Christmas Day we woke up around 9am, and had to wait until 10 before we were "allowed" downstairs. My dad made the traditional Christmas morning cinnamon buns and Grandma Keser came over to open gifts with us. Santa came and left us all stockings - apparently he thinks we smell, because we all got deoderant, razors, and shower gel in our stockings this year. ; ) John came over around 11:30 and he & I exchanged our gifts. He loved his miniature Mustang RC car (that looks just like his!) and his book from Milo. Around 1:00 the rest of my family arrived and we stayed for a little bit before heading over to his sister's house to eat Christmas dinner and do gifts with the boys. It was fun seeing the boys so excited - Ryan was so antsy to open gifts - it didnt matter if they were for him or not! He tore into a couple during dinner, but all was forgiven since it was Christmas. We went down to the playroom while the boys tried out their brand new Wii, and Jen and I played with Ryan and his Batman Cave. It was a really, really nice Christmas, maybe one of the best ever. That night, we went back to John's where he gave me a white gold ring and matching necklace with my birthstone - they are absolutely beautiful. Like I said, best Christmas ever : )

The day after, we woke up and made pancakes and eggs for his parents and ourselves- yum! We layed around in bed for a while enjoying the long weekend and then came to my house to play with Cooper for a while. My dad made pizza for dinner with his new pizza stone which was yummy. We stopped at his sister's to give them another gift that arrived a day late (stupid mail) and headed off to see Marley & Me which I definitely reccomend, but be ready to cry. It's really sad. Even John was sad after! Saturday we met his mom and sister for lunch at Chilis, and spent a couple hours shopping afterwards. I'm lucky that he has such a great mom & sister, I have so much fun with them. Later on, we made a gingerbread train - I haven't made a gingerbread anything since about second grade! It was fun - Milo helped us out a whole bunch. He's always got to be in the middle of everything : ) We watched Stepbrothers that night, twice,  and were very lazy again. I love being lazy. Especially with someone so cute.

Today we woke up and made waffles, played with Milo a whole bunch because we are going to miss him while we are in Disney next week. And I got a 20 minute backrub which was fabulous - my back hurts way less now. Which is good because we are going to Disney in less than a week! (!!!!!)

I have lots to do this week, like pack and clean and make sure I have enough change for the tolls. And AMANDA is coming to visit on Tuesday! Gonna be a busy week!

my sister and I on Christmas morning

with some of my little cousins on Christmas Eve

John and I on Christmas Eve

the fabulous gingerbread train

i sure am gonna miss this little guy next week!

the way i loved you

It's been kind of a strange day. I dont really know how to explain it.

I woke up this morning and decided to check my email before leaving for work. Usually I barely have time to brush my teeth before I leave and I still manage to be five minutes late, but today I had a half hour to kill before leaving. Sooo, I decided to see if I got an email from Snapfish (I've been waiting to hear if the gift for John's sister has been shipped) and - surprise! - it shipped yesterday.  Out of the corner of my eye I saw an email from Casey - I know a few Casey's so I didn't think anything of it, until I realized that my cousin's husband's name is Casey. My cousin who was due to have a baby on Christmas. Why would I be getting an email from him? Oh, because she had her baby this morning!

My first reaction was complete excitement - it's been three years since we've had a baby in my family, she's one of my favorite cousins, and she's basically going to be the coolest mom ever. I called my grandma and my mom to tell them - we've been playing the waiting game for two weeks to hear if anything happened. I have been nervous for this though, because of the timing of it all. I was surprised with myself, for being so excited and happy about it all. Babies are exciting, right?

Five minutes later, I was looking at the picture of the baby and starting uncontrollably crying - ten minutes before I had to leave for work. I feel jealous, and sad, and angry...and guilty for feeling anything but happiness for them. It came out of nowhere; happy and excited one second and BAM! uncontrollable tears the next.

I really truly am happy that Isabel is here; my crazy emotions are not related to her or my cousin - it just reminds me of my situation and how I still hide how hard it is to deal with on a daily basis. I haven't really talked about it with anyone - I know that keeping it to myself only makes it that much harder to deal with, but I do it anyway. I play it off like it's not a big deal, I even make jokes about it. But there is not a day that goes by that I don't think about it, or wish that it was different. Some days it's easier, and when I think about it, it's just 'ok, this is a part of my life, this is a part of who I am.' Then there are days when it drags me down, when it's all I can think about, when all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry for hours. There are days when I ache to talk to someone about it, but who? No one would understand it. I've told very few people about it - my family doesn't even really know. I think most of the time, I just want a hug and for someone to tell me it's ok. I desperately want to talk about it but I feel like I can't - or if I tried, I'd freeze because I'm afraid of falling apart.

I think, in all honesty, I really just need to let myself fall apart. I dont think I can move on until I do.

so baby drive slow til we run out of road

the mickey wreath looking very festive

my neighbor's giant pine tree

our fence. and pepper in the background looking quite dirty =(

we shoveled and cleared off cars all day = we were cold. especially my nose.

a tree. i thought it looked cool.

I finished my Christmas shopping today, at Target. I feel like I didn't do much this year, but it's because my family did Secret Santa, so I only had to get my sister something. Even then, we had a spending limit and the thing she wanted was over the limit so that's all I got her. I did a photo theme this year, and I hope Snapfish follows through on their promise for delivery by the 24th. I am making a broccoli dish for Christmas Eve which is the DAY AFTER TOMORROW. Which means I need to go shopping and buy broccoli!

Christmas Eve is my favorite day of the year. My Grandfather's side of the family (the Swedes - there are about fifty of us - not including in-laws) rents a hall for Christmas Eve and it's just fabulous. It's the only time we all get to see each other, and we do a pinata (we are Swedes that like to pretend to be Hispanic, apparently) and we do the Swedish tradition of St.Lucia, we do the "silly swap" (everyone wraps a funny gift and it's kind of like a grab bag with rules to make it even more fun) and Santa even makes an appearance. It's just the best night of the year. It makes me remember being little, and being SO excited that Santa was coming and getting to sit on his lap and tell him what I wanted. Years later, I don't know how I never realized "Santa" was my cousin, I suppose it is the blonde in me. Afterward, we go to the midnight service at church which is beautiful because it's all candle light. When I was little, we'd always get in trouble for making too much noise...but honestly, how can you expect three kids to be quiet in church when Santa is coming in a few hours!?

Disney is in twelve days. Yes, twelve. Twelve days until I will be basking in 85 degree weather, surrounded by all the most magical things in the world. It's the only thing getting me through this disaster of a winter we are having so far.

I also bought Taylor Swift's new album Fearless on iTunes tonight. I officially need to stop spending money otherwise I wont be able to afford my Minnie Mouse ears in Disney, which is clearly a priority in my life ; )

it's looking like a white christmas

If I didn't lose my camera at John's, I'd be able to post the pictures of the blizzard that hit the northeast this weekend. It basically lasted 48 hours and left parts of the state with 15+ inches of snow.

I spent the weekend shoveling, cleaning off cars, and curled up in bed with John & Milo, and it was fabulous, minus the shoveling and cleaning off cars part.

I almost finished my Christmas shopping, I just have one more thing to get John and I'll be all set.

PS - This is Cooper's first real experience with a lot of snow, and he took to hopping like a rabbit instead of walking. I'm going to try to get a video of it because it's pretty entertaining to see ; )

always

I love when I have a horrible day, when everything goes wrong and all I want to do is curl up in a ball and not wake up for days, he always makes me feel better.

nothing we say is gonna save us from the fallout

My back has been bothering me for the last two weeks, and the last three days it has been kiling me. I dont know what the deal is, but it's painful to do anything but lay flat on my bed. It's just my lower back, straight across the bottom. I'm hoping it's just because I should be getting my period soon, and that it'll go away soon after. Because if it's something else, I definitely don't have the pain tolerance for this. I can't even pick up Lucy, who is like five pounds and the smallest kitty ever. Ugh.

I bought a life insurance policy today. I'm proud of myself for being adult-like and responsible, even though I'm the most responsible out of my siblings. It gives me a sense of security, that when I'm married and have a house and kids, I wont have to worry about leaving behind a mortgage for my husband to deal with or about how secure my children's futures will be. It was quite annoying though - I was sitting in the dining room with the insurance agent and my parents were there (they'd been revising their insurance policy in the first place) and when I was naming my beneficiaries, my mother got all worked up because I didn't do what she wanted. Turns out, I couldn't do what I wanted anyway due to legal rules, but still. I cannot stand how she always sticks her nose into other people's business. I know I'm her daughter and she wants to know what's going on in my life, but there are boundaries, which is something she clearly lacks an understanding of.

My back really hurts : ( I would give anything for a massage right now.

hello, buddy the elf! what's your favorite color?!

With the new year coming up so quickly, I've been thinking about resolutions - I make them every year, and they last about three days before I've given in. I've seen a lot of people who do 101 in 1001 - where you set a list of 101 goals to complete in 1001 days, which is about 2.75 years. I've seen a lot of really great lists and I think that setting goals (real goals) could only make me feel better about myself. So, I've decided that I'm going to work on making a list, and hopefully by January 1st, I can start 101 in 1001. I would feel super good about myself if I actually did all 101 of them.

I have two finals tomorrow, I'm pretty nervous about the first one, it's 50 multiple choice (I'm really bad at multiple choice) and this professor is really hard (I am typically a straight A student and got a B- on the midterm...most of the class failed) so I don't really know what to expect. The second is my gender class, and we get to have a cheat sheet, so I spent 3 hours today making that. I'm sure it'll be easy enough. Wednesday I have my death and dying exam, then Thursday is math and immigration. Ahh I can't wait to be done so I can bake Christmas cookies and go shopping for gifts and other fabulous holiday things.

My first final is at 8am, which means I have to leave at 7am, which means I have to be up around 6am, which is going to be thoroughly painful, considering I hate getting out of bed. This means I should be going to bed soon...I'm sure I can skip one night of being a night owl, right? Right.

I need to go Christmas shopping this week. I've finished most of John's family, I just need to get him a couple more things and get my sister's gift since I drew her name. I want to see if I can get to that cute store in Kensington this weekend, I know she'd love some things from there. The building is decorated as a giant present - seriously, what's not to love about that? I also need to decide what I'm making for Christmas Eve...I'm thinking an appetizer, feel free to throw out suggestions.

Oh, and a side note - this is another reason why Milo is the best kitten in the world: John came home from work today and heard his TV on, which he thought was weird. He walked into his room and saw Milo sprawled out on his bed, watching TV. How he got the TV on is a mystery, but he sure is an awesome little guy.

(at least we know he's got some self-defense skills in case he's confronted with a big mean dog or something)

it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you ; )

I am most definitely in the Christmas spirit. I am most definitely not in the study-for-finals spirit.

Saturday night my family had our big annual dinner party at the Griswold Inn in Essex. It was a big deal this year because I was deemed old enough to go, and my grandfather was really looking forward to John and I going. It was a lot of fun and hopefully everyone had as good a time as John and I had. I ordered steak for the second time in my life and was thoroughly disappointed with the cosmopolitan I ordered, it was most definitely not work almost $9.00. The steak was good, but I'm still not a huge fan of red meat. The rolls, though? Oh man, I could have eaten them all night, being the carb-oholic that I am. I think bread is the only thing that hasn't been making me want to throw up lately.

Speaking of that, I need to get back into see that specialist. I have been nauseous ALL week, and I think the stress of finals is just making my stomach issue even worse. My stomach is paralyzed and when I eat, the food isn't pushed through like it should be, leaving me feeling sick. It's a side-effect of having an eating disorder for four/five years, and it will likely never go away. It's annoying, but if it's the worst side effect I get, then I'll take it. I am supposed to take these pills before each meal, but my problem is that I don't eat three main meals a day, I tend to snack on little stuff. So I need to go back and find out what else I can do, because it's not fun feeling like I'm going to throw up constantly.

I think I'm calling out of work in the morning, because I am exhausted and feel like I'm coming down with something. My body aches and I can feel a migraine coming on, so I'm figuring it will be better to stay home tomorrow and not feel worse on Tuesday for finals. Speaking of, I still have to finish my paper and study for ALL FIVE finals. My problem is that I can't concentrate with all the Christmas-ness going on around me; I would much rather bake cookies or decorate or sing along to massive amounts of Christmas music.

Also, I have a new love. She doesn't have a name yet, but she is still extremely fluffy and adorable and I just want to eat her up.

John & I at the Christmas dinner. We clean up pretty well =)

Erin and the unnamed puppy. HOW CUTE IS SHE?!

Oh, and I almost forgot! My "skinny" jeans are loose on me...as in, I need a belt to keep them from falling down.  I dont know if it's from me being back at the gym (probably) or God just decided to hand me this one little favor, but it has boosted my confidence significantly. Just in time for Florida, seeing as we leave in TWENTY days. I guess I can pack my bikini after all ; )

the broken clock is a comfort

If you haven't seen the music video for Black Balloon, I suggest you go youtube it, because Johnny Rzenik is absolutely mouth-watering in it. And it's one of the best songs of all time. In fact, I have been working on a top 20 list for the last year, of my favorite songs (mostly when I am procrastinating and do not want to do any school work - it's a fabulous distraction, you should try it sometime) and Black Balloon is on my list. Because it is finals, and I am procrastinating like never before, I finished my list today. It is a supercalafragalisticexpialadocious list, if I do say so myself.

1. Broken - Lifehouse. Clearly, they are my favorite band. Clearly, it wouldn't be fair for me to put all of their songs on my top 20 list, but I can't help but to put four and a half (one is a cover) of theirs up because they are so good. Sometimes I am convinced that Jason Wade writes these songs specifically for me, that's how close to home they feel. Watch the video and just look at his face! He is so passionate about his music. The lyrics, when you first hear them or read them, seem depressing, but I think they are inspiring - just hold on, and everything will work out in the end. Everyone has felt like their world is falling apart and for me, this song really hit home this past May. I held onto it like a lifeline, and it got a little bit easier everyday to deal with what was going on. I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing with a broken heart that's still beating; in the pain there is healing, in your name I find meaning, so I'm holding on, I'm still holding, I'm barely holding onto you. I felt like my life was spinning out of control at 90 miles per hour, and this song gave me stability, it gave me something to hold onto when nothing else was going the way I wanted it to. After everything that happened, I'm still here, I'm still breathing, and even though there are days when it stops me in my tracks and I feel like I can't go forward, I find a way to.


2. Everything - Lifehouse. Click the link, if you know what's good for you. It's my faaaavorite live performance of the song; it gives me chills every time, no fail. It's an old performance, in Amsterdam, but my god it is the most genius six and a half minutes you will ever lay eyes (and ears) on. If you are impatient, you can fast forward to 4 minutes and 21 seconds, when it gets REALLY good. This is another amazing version, it's from their DVD. This is the most amazing song ever written, hands down, in the history of ever and ever. It is even better when you see it performed live. It's such a raw song, it holds nothing back.


3. Iris - Goo Goo Dolls. I have never met someone who dislikes this song. It was overplayed on the radio, but if you really listen to the lyrics, you will see that it is also a genius song. "You can't fight the tears that ain't coming or the moment of truth in your lies; when everything feels like the movies you bleed just to know you're alive"...it hardly gets more genius than that. Hardly.


4. World Spins Madly On - The Weepies. Clearly, I love this song enough to name my blog after it. My favorite part? "The whole world is moving and I am standing still." It must have been written for me, because I swear I feel like that every day of my life.


5. Let it Be - The Beatles. Classic, timeless, and again, genius. When I'm having a bad day, this always cheers me up.


6. Hallelujah - Rufus Wainwright. Just listen to this, you'll know why it's so great.


7. Beast of Burden - Rolling Stones or Lifehouse. I love the original, but I obviously love Lifehouse's cover. The video I linked is seriously amazing, I freaking love that man. It's obvious when he sings that he gets really into it, which makes the music that much better.


8. Fast Car - Tracy Chapman. This song makes me sad. I think most people can relate to it at some point or another; you try so hard at something and no matter what you do it just doesn't work out. It's such a raw and honest song, anyone who has ever felt like they don't belong can relate to it somewhat.


9. Black Balloon - Goo Goo Dolls. Johnny Rzenik wrote this song for a friend of his who was a heroin addict, but it's pretty universal, I think. It's about overcoming, beating, and moving past something that got the best of you. I love the last line, "I'll become what you became to me." GENIUS!


10. Anna Begins - Counting Crows. I LOVE this acoustic version. It's such an emotional song and I give a TON of credit to people who can sing this and sing it well. "She can't stop shaking and I can't stop touching her and this time when kindness falls like rain it washes her away and Anna begins to change her mind, and these seconds where I'm shaking leave me shuddering for days, she says, I'm not ready for this sort of thing." I can't even begin to attempt to explain this song; its just one of those songs you have to get all on your own.


11. Crush - DMB. Its the ultimate love song, like, if a guy sang that to me I'd be sold. Who wouldn't want to hear all that?


12. Simon - Lifehouse. I know, I know. I can't help it, they are just that good. If you are ever questioning yourself, or your purpose, or why things happen to you, listen to this song. When you feel alone, betrayed, or broken, this song lets you know you're not alone. You're not the only one. Jason wrote this when he was 17 (I think - either 15 or 17) about a friend who was bullied - listen to these lyrics and let me know if you know anyone that young that could write something so profound. "Refuse to feel anything at all, refuse to slip, refuse to fall. You canan't be weak, can't stand still, watch your back cause no one will. You don't know why they had to go this far; traded your worth for the scars, for your only company. Don't believe the lies that they have told to you, not one word was true, you're alright." This is my favorite version; again it is from Amsterdam a while ago. But amazing.


13. Name - Goo Goo Dolls. This is a classic Goo's song, if not the most classic. I especially like the 'scars are souvenirs you never lose' part, because I have one of those. Ok, so that wasn't entirely serious, obviously he means emotional scars, but everyone has those. So it works. I love the guitar in this, it's so catchy and so perfect.


14. Georgia - Hanson. I LOVE LOVE LOVE the piano in this; it makes me want to learn piano even more than I did before I found this song. I like the actual music in this song more than the lyrics; I think Hanson is more talented with creating a melody than they are with writing lyrics. I know a lot of people don't like them, but you cannot deny that they are incredible musicians, and that is why I love them so much.


15. Come on Get Higher - Matt Nathanson. SUCH a good song. My sister thinks it's dirty, but it's not. You have to really listen to it to understand that its not dirty. It's about loving someone, real love, and it reminds me of the beginning of a relationship when everything is new and exciting. It's even better live =)


16. In Your Eyes - Peter Gabriel. I have loved this song for a long time. It's a classic, and it's brilliantly written.


17. Brick - Ben Folds. "Can't you see it's not me you're dying for"...really? Profound much? Honestly. I love this song.


18. Storm - Lifehouse. Yes, another. This is an OLD song, from before there was Lifehouse. It's from back when they were Blyss, but they redid this song for the most recent record. I've loved this song since the first time I heard it many years ago, and it never gets old. I love when an artist can sing with so few instruments, I think that shows the true caliber of his talent. "And I will get lost into your eyes, I know everything will be alright." Again, hit pretty close to home earlier this year. It always hits close to home because again, I'm convinced he writes his song specifically for me.


19. Far Away - Nickelback. I dont really have an emotional attachment to this song, I just really like it a lot. It's not a typical Nickelback song, but I think there is something really awesome when a band like Nickelback can sing a ballad. It kind of just makes me melt a little bit.


20. One - U2. This doesn't really need explaining. Everyone knows it is a brilliant song

So, there we have it. I'm sure the list will change, because I'm always discovering amazing music, but I think most of these songs have remained my favorites for several years. I couldn't live without music, I live for live shows, and I have SO MANY bands that I love, so many songs that I can't live without, and I absolutely love acoustic versions of songs. I couldn't even fit any Nirvana or Pearl Jam or Seether or Foo Fighters or Everly or Emerson Hart on my list. There is just way too much good music in this world =)

we know it's never simple, never easy.

I must be hormonal or something; I have gone from wanting to scream to wanting to cry to wanting to pull my hair out all day today. Everything is frustrating me to the umpteenth power. I have felt sick all day. ALL DAY. I think it is stress related, seeing as I have SO much to do in the next week. I've hardly eaten anything in almost three days. Just for that reason, I wish I got stressed more often.

And what makes today so much worse? I just saw an ASPCA commercial, and I can't freaking STAND when people abuse animals. Seriously. What is so bad in your life that you have to beat an innocent cat or dog to death? Who the fuck do you think you are to put your dog through caged fighting?? How is it fun to light a kitten on fire?? Who gives you the right to burn off a rabbit's fur just so you can see if your new product will hurt a human? My dream, if I could do anything at all with my life, is to open a non-profit animal shelter. My dog was going to be euthanized because people down south are so racist that they abandon black animals - they throw them on the street to fend for themselves, and the shelthers are so overloaded that they're forced to euthanize if homes can't be found within a couple weeks.  Anyone who has met Cooper knows he is the sweetest dog. He doesn't have a mean bone in his body. He loves everyone no matter what. There are days when he's my best friend because he's the only one who loves unconditionally. He was abused just because of the color of his fur, which is absolutely ridiculous. We may have physically rescued Cooper, but he's rescued me in so many other ways. I wish with every fiber of my being that I could stop animal abuse, and it makes me so sad that it will likely never go away.

i'm giving in

I love when a song says exactly what I'm feeling.

I want more, but I don't. I am happy, but I'm frustrated. I feel loved, but I don't feel wanted. I feel wicked insecure about myself and I don't know why.

I am so frustrated right now, with school, and my life being static, and being broke, and not being able to buy good Christmas gifts this year. I hate when I can't buy good gifts.

Some days, I'm really proud of myself for doing what I've done with my life. I've gotten through three major life catastrophes relatively unscathed, and I'm pretty proud of how I handled them. I could have not gotten help for my eating disorder, but I chose to ask for it. I almost died from a freaking deer, but I didn't let it slow me down. I handled a life changing surprise with relative ease, and dealt with the outcome as best I could. The latest has been hard, and it doesn't want to go away, but I still think I am handling it fairly well...if you consider skipping out on my cousin's baby shower because I was terrified of going handling it fairly well, that is.  I'm proud of myself for not letting this appear as traumatic as it feels most days. And some days, when I'm really proud of myself, I wonder if I'm doing enough to make myself truly happy. Because I deserve it.

I dont really know what the point of this is.

near the end

I only have two days of class left (yes, TWO) before finals start. This makes me very happy for a few reasons:

1. It means I will have a month long break from school. This makes me VERY happy.
2. It means it's almost Christmas, and I love Christmas.
3. It means it's also almost time to leave for Disney, which possibly makes me happiest of all.

I also dislike this time of year very much, because I have no time for ANYthing. This is what I have to get done by next Thursday: a 12 page paper on Swedish immigration and my grandpa, 8 page paper reflecting on three books assigned in one of my sociology classes (I've only read one of them so far), study for a math final (I have two of them for one class), a Gender final, a Race, Class & Gender final, a Death & Dying final, and an Immigration final. I haven't even STARTED my Christmas shopping, nor have I cleaned my car or room in weeks.

I'm pretty sure I wont be posting for at least a few days. =( Unless someone wants to do all this work for me!

christmas cards already??

Today, I wrote out almost all of my Christmas cards (if you got a message from me on Facebook asking for your address - that's why!) and all I have left to do is go to the post office to mail them...which is always what takes me forever.

That's the thing about the post office (just like the bank)...it is only open during business hours. I work 9-5:30, and on the days I go to school, I'm there from 8:00 - 4:30. By time I get home from school, it's usually after 5, and they are both closed already. On the weekends, I'm so busy that I forget to do these silly errands. And this is why it takes me days or weeks (or, in the case of Jen's Christmas gift last year, MONTHS) to mail things that require more than one stamp or something out of the ordinary.

I am putting the pieces together for my presentation on my family's Swedish immigration history. I'm hoping to find this dress that my great-grandfather got for me, it's a traditional Swedish dress that was made in his hometown (Nissafors) that I wore for as many Christmases as I could fit into it, and it's been worn by many of my cousins. I also have lots of pictures of my grandparents, my cousins in Sweden, and letters written between my grandparents as they 'courted.'  (Good old days, right?) Hopefully I do well, and I'm hoping that I do well enough on my paper that I can send it to my family to read...obviously I'm only sending it if I get an A. ; )

I have so much work to do and I am obviously procrastinating. Tomorrow is my long day. But then it's Thursday and the week will almost be over!

holiday recap

Thanksgiving was nice. I woke up to watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, ate chocolate chip birthday pancakes that my mom made, and took my time getting dressed since Thanksgiving is supposed to be a lazy holiday. I opened some gifts with my family (necklace and Swedish alcohol) while my mom took 45345 pictures of us. We (my family + John) went to my cousin Tommy's house for a little bit to visit with my family, where John and I played foosball and pool, and where he beat me at both. It was quieter than most holidays with my family, and we only stayed for a couple hours. Then we went to John's sister's for dinner, and we had fun playing with the kids, even if Ryan was a ball of endless energy all day long. We had yummy turkey and stuffing and mashed potatoes, and his sister's homemade apple pie. I opened some birthday gifts (a fabulous "I <3 Lifehouse" hoodie from John, Enchanted from Jen and the kids, and Wall-E from John's parents) and by that time it was almost 8pm so we left. That night we watched Wall-E but I barely stayed awake for it all.

Friday, I went to work with John. It was actually a lot of fun. He let me wear his FedEx jacket and even made me deliver some packages by myself to residential areas. We delivered 186 packages and made (I think) about 45 stops. I only got in the way once, which was good since his truck is kind of cramped. We went to a big building full of different offices in Meriden where there were two really sketchy old elevators, where you had to open the wooden doors & gates, and crank the elevator to where you wanted it to go and match up lines on the walls before getting out...it was quite terrifying to me, but I survived. We got done around 3pm, since a lot of his stops were closed for the holiday. That night we went out to Dakota's with two of his friends, had really slowwww service, expensive and not-worth-it food, but good drinks. It took an hour to get our food, twenty minutes just to get our drinks! We were all so annoyed that we ate and left as quickly as possible, but it was still fun.

Saturday we came to my house for a birthday dinner and ate really yummy taco salad that my mom made. We decorated the Christmas tree, spent fifteen minutes taking a Christmas card picture, and watched Wall-E with Dad and Aunt Sonia. I opened more gifts (a Wall-E snowglobe from John, liquor from Art & Sonia, Bath & Body Works stuff I've been wanting from Erin, a shotglass from Andrew, and a car payment from my grandparents) and ate birthday cake.

That night, we went to the Casino with my grandparents. It was an hour drive- we left at 9:30pm and got there around 10:30. John and I went to the bar and he ordered me a Sex on the Beach which was really yummy. We gambled a little, I was ahead at one point but ended up losing all my money (which was only 40 dollars). John did well and went home only losing $10. We were out til about 2:30 and didn't get back to his house until 4am, so needless to say we slept really late today. (Til 3pm). We went to Denny's for a late (really late) breakfast, and to Walmart to get some stuff. We watched some corny Lifetime Christmas movies and were lazy, since it was disgusting outside (rainy, cold, and wet all day long).

Definitely a good weekend and I am sad to have to go back to work and school.

on being thankful

I have a lot of things to be thankful for. My family, my amazing boyfriend, my health, my education, my happiness, my home, my car...and the list goes on. I like Thanksgiving, not because the Pilgrims made friends with the Indians (turns out they killed them and pushed them off their land, how nice), but because it's the one day where we stop and are thankful for what we do have. I am blessed with a close family that loves me, a man who treats me like gold, and way better health than in past years. It's so easy to get caught up in the day-to-day and forget about what we have, not necessarily in worldly or material possessions, but what we have in love, friendship, and happiness.

Tomorrow I am going to Thanksgiving dinner with John and his family. It will be strange to not be with my family, but I am going to stop and see my family in the afternoon, since we aren't eating at Jen's until 5pm. It will also be weird because it's my birthday and it wont feel like it, but that's ok, because we are celebrating this weekend with my family, and that will be fun. Again, more to be thankful for.

I hope all everyone enjoys their day tomorrow, and if you don't celebrate Thanksgiving, have a great day anyway!

the one where i post a lot of pictures

I skipped school today to work on my Swedish immigration paper. It was worth it; I got almost all of it done. It was so cool to read my grandfather's history, and about how my family came to be. I have three years worth of letters from my great-grandfather and great-grandmother during their "courtship" that are so interesting to read them, and I feel really privileged to have those.  It's amazing back then how intact families were, and how they helped each other out no matter what. My great-grandfather lived to be 99 and a half, and no doubt it was because of our amazing family. I don't remember him that much, I was only a year or so when he died, but my mom always tells me how he remembered my name even after he forgot everyone else's - I think it's because I'm named after his mother Emilie, but it makes me feel special anyway. He was such a handsome man, even up into his old age.

Handsome, right?! Not only that, he was a good man...and I'd give anything to be able to talk to him and know him now that I am older. I hope he would be proud that I am writing a paper about him.

While I spent 10 hours working on the project today, I also found time to procrastinate. What better way to procrastinate than take self portraits? I had good intentions (purposeful intentions, even). I was trying to decide what to wear on Thanksgiving, aka my birthday.I don't think I like my hair with side-bangs. But I usually hate my hair when it's up. I just plain old don't like my hair lately.

Hair up with bangs, hair down with bangs, hair off the face with headband?

I tried to get a picture of the bangs, and it came out kinda cool. My skin has been so red and blotchy lately; I hate this cold weather. I need a good non-pimple-creating moisturizer...as if I had the money to buy one.

Lucy was looking so cute this afternoon, I couldn't help myself.

Tomorrow is my last day of work before a glorious 4 day weekend - full of yummy food, turning 21, getting a Christmas tree, seeing my family, and taco salad. I might even go to church with my mom tomorrow night because I know it would make her happy, even though I detest going to church.

this and that

You know what is really frustrating? When my favorite show leaves a HUGE cliffhanger, and then says it wont be back until January 5. When I will be 1,000 miles away from home and unable to watch. Drives me insane.

My birthday is in three (almost two) days, I'm very excited. I love birthdays, even when they are not mine. I like that every single person gets a day that's all about them. It's one thing you can't take away, no matter what. Birthdays are always there.

I'm sore from the gym, I'm cold from the lack of heat, and I'm tired just because I'm tired.I got my Ipod tangled on a machine at the gym, luckily the only people around me were people I know so it wasn't as embarrassing as it could have been. I have the day off tomorrow, but I have to buckle down and start working on a paper and presentation that are due in December. I really want to try and get to the store to buy my Christmas cards, so I can write them out on Friday.

Oh, and because I am turning a magical 21, my car insurance company decided to lower my policy amount, so now I am saving an extra $400 a year! Thanks cavemen! Oh! And John said I could go to work with him Friday and help him...so watch out, all of you businesses on the Berlin turnpike and Research parkway, you're getting a new FedEx girl on Friday ;)

milo being adorable

Currently Stressing Over: Graduate school...where to go, how long it will last, how much it will cost.

My school does not offer a dual Masters & Certification program, which is what I want. Southern does offer one, so I emailed a few people to find out about it. I think I'll have to start applying fairly soon.

I will graduate with a BA in December 2009, and then depending on which program, it could be up to two years until I graduate with my MA and Certification, which means I may not be teaching until 2012. That seems way too far away. Ahhh information overload!

I took a lot of pictures of Milo this weekend because he was looking especially adorable. (When does he not??) I'll post a few on here.

Excited for this week - Tuesday I'm off from everything, Thursday is Thanksgiving AKA my birthday, and Friday we are getting our Christmas tree! It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas.... =)


Here we are on top of the shelf in John's closet. Still recovering from having his manhood taken away =)



Helloooo I'm really cute!

something about the way i love you

No school until Dec 2!

I'm house sitting at my uncle's this weekend. He and my grandparents are going to VT this weekend for a funeral, and they have to labradors that need attention, so John and I will be staying out there with them. It will be nice to get away and relax, but I feel bad that it's because of a funeral (of an 18 year old who committed suicide, no less).

Milo had his surgery yesterday which had me worried all day long. I went to check on him last night after class and my poor boy was so drugged up and sleepy! I felt so bad for him, but I went back over today and he was much better but still sleepy. I texted John this afternoon that I got out of class early and he texted back that I should go see Milo, which was cute, because he usually is too tired during the week to do anything with me. He said he doesn't know what to do with himself, being off all week. I guess he is bored ;)

Looking forward to the holidays too...I'm setting next Friday aside to do all my Christmas cards - so keep an eye out in the mail over the next few weeks!

Ricky is sitting on my desk next to the keyboard giving me an evil stare...I guess maybe he wants me to feed him? =)

Here is Milo a few weeks ago...John was cleaning out his closet to find things to donate to Goodwill, and Milo had to get in the dresser and check things out for himself:

a little splurge

Since my birthday is next week, and I have not bought myself much in the last year (besides Pepper, of course), I decided to splurge at my favorite store, New York and Company. Technically, I did not splurge - I used my credit card...and the fact that it was Tuesday (on Tuesdays gold card holders get an extra discount) I justified the $150 on clothes. I got a really nice little black dress for only $60 - obviously, a black dress is a staple (like potatoes or rice) as far as clothing goes. I got a pair of black pants for work, since my favorite pair that I've had since I was a sophomore in high school finally broke apart. I got a nice top for Thanksgiving (aka my birthday) and another top with a shell for work. Not a bad deal for all that stuff.

I have done no school work in the last two days. It's too close to Thanksgiving break...although I really do need to work on my two papers. Thursday night, that's the plan. Don't let me forget!

all that shimmers

Despite the rainy, damp, and cold weather, this weekend was pretty good. I spent all of Friday night cleaning out my closet, putting away summer clothes, and getting rid of stuff I don't wear anymore. My room is so clean, I love it.

Saturday we (my parents, Erin, John and I) braved the crowded mall and trekked through crowds of people to the Disney Store to buy our park tickets. I think I was the only one excited about getting them, but what are you gonna do? ;)Forty-six days until we leave!After that, John and I met Matt for lunch at Chili's, went back to his house, and we both fell asleep for a fabulous two hour nap. Then we went back to Chili's with Matt and we each got our own lava cake dessert - and do you know those things have 1300 calories in them?? Luckily I wasn't able to finish mine. Sunday was lazy, we slept in til after noon. John and I were just driving around that afternoon and we just happened to end up at this cute little gift store that he delivers to for work. He told me months ago that it is a store that I would like, and recently told me that it's going out of business. I've been dying to go, but I didn't know how to get there, or the address, or the name, or anything. My super-awesome boyfriend brought me there Sunday afternoon and we spent 45 minutes walking through the store (and I spent 45 minutes wishing I wasn't broke!) They had the cutest things, it reminded me of an Anthropologie store, minus clothing. I hope I get my sister for Secret Santa, so I have another excuse to go there before they close.

John and I started going to the gym last week, and it feels SO GOOD to be back. I forgot how much it de-stresses me, not to mention that I actually feel good about myself after. And it was a nice surprise to see that I didn't lose much of my endurance in the last 11 months that I have been without a membership.

Wall-E was released today and SOMEONE is very excited and hopeful that it will show up on November 27th as a birthday gift (hint hint) since I am obviously broke saving for Christmas and Disney. (Have I mentioned that I am broke?) Also on my list of Disney DVDs that I have not been able to afford in the last year: Sleeping Beauty, Enchanted, Robin Hood, Fox and the Hound, Mulan, etc. For anyone who doesn't know, I collect the animated classics and some of the newer movies, but they MUST be in the cardboard sleeve, otherwise I wont buy them. It's a collection, which is why they all have to match, duh. I am very excitd that Beauty and the Beast is re-releasing in 2010, and I'm pretty sure Snow White is in 2009. =)

It's cold, I have school tomorrow, and I am dying for Thanksgiving break. Next week I have two days of work and that's it. I'm skipping school on Tuesday, Thursday is my birthday (which is obviously why everyone has the day off, nevermind that it's Thanksgiving!), and Friday I have off work. And then the semester is pretty much over...hello Christmas break! Hello Disney!

Life is good. =)

is it only me?

Do you know what is really annoying? What I do not understand at all?

Why girls feel the need to talk on their cell phone while they are in a public bathroom. HONESTLY.

Public bathrooms are bad enough to begin with. Especially when you are not the only one in the bathroom. To me, it's awkward to have a communal place do to something that most people consider pretty personal. But to talk on your phone while either in a public bathroom or even worse, going to the bathroom, is just the weirdest and most annoying thing I can think of. And you know what? It's always the girls that wears supertight leggings, uggs, and those jackets with the fake fur on the hood, with too much makeup and a super obvious fake tan. The type of girl who can't be off her phone for more than a minute without having a panic attack.

So, I purposely try to run the water longer, or make a lot of noise when I get papertowels, or flush the toilet two or three extra times...because whenever someone makes noise and they can't hear the person on the other end of the line, they're all "What?? I can't hear you!" Well MAYBE if you didn't talk on your phone while you are in the bathroom you wouldnt have that problem!

Personally, I can't even stand to pee when someone is close enough to hear and I even turn the sink on half the time when I'm at John's. Half the time I can't pee unless water is running, I'm that weirded out by it. So you can understand my frustration when these strangers are having in-depth conversations about who hooked up with who last night or who wore the wrong color shoes with those pants WHILE I'M TRYING TO PEE.

Reason # 34875 why I HATE GIRLS.

lucky

Last night, not even an hour after I wrote about how the gym thing didn't work out, guess what happened?

.

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That's right, John was on my porch holding two gym passes, one for my sister and one for me. He went to the gym and convinced the owner to not only let us join without paying the $100 down payment, but for a cheaper price than the original advertisement. My sister and I are now on a plan for $15.90 a month - for both of us.  Not only that, but we got gold passes, which means half off drinks and stuff, and so many tanning sessions. What really made me melt, was that he said he did it because he doesn't want me to worry about calories and starving myself (yeah, I was heading down that road for a little bit, but all is well now). He said that if he couldn't get the gym to give us the deal, he still would have paid all that extra money, just so I could work out and not worry about what I eat so much. That I love that boy to pieces, I really do. I am so lucky to have someone like him in my life.

The three of us went tonight and it was SO good to finally work out again.

Also, today is Veteran's Day, and if you haven't done it yet, thank the veteran's you know. (hint, hint: - John is a veteran!) So thank you babe, for giving up two and a half years of your life to serve this country, plus countless drill weekends, trainings, and everything else you've done. I love you!

ARGH.

Last week, I got a flier in the mail from the gym I used to go to, saying that they were offering memberships for $10 a month. I told my sister, because we've been wanting to join a gym again - only we are broke and can't afford it. This got us really excited, because anyone can afford $10 a month.

Tonight we drove over to sign up and found out that in order to get that deal, we have to put down $100 before we can actually sign up. She obviously does not have that money just lying around...and I barely have that much money left over each month after I pay all my bills. Now that Christmas is so soon, and our vacation is literally right after Christmas, I have no extra money.

So we are mad. Really mad. I'm probably going to have to wait until February or March to sign up, cause I just wont have that extra money until then.
Argh. =(

how long do we have to wait

I hate these days. I feel so blah all day, come home, and do nothing.

Every night this week I've gone to bed telling myself that tomorrow will be better, that I'll get more accomplished and feel good about the day. And everyday I have barely had the energy to get out of bed, let alone make myself feel useful during the day.

I feel so alone in this house. It's like coming home to an empty house. My mom only asks me about my day to see if there's anyone she can gossip about in town, and when I try to tell her how my day really was, she does that half-listening thing and says "ok" every few minutes because she thinks it will make her seem interested. My sister is so self-absorbed and trying to talk to her is pointless because she get gets irritated...unless, of course, she wants something, and then it's a totally different story.

The house is disgusting, there is so much clutter everywhere. My parents have stacks of thier clothes sitting on our family room floor waiting to be ironed, and they leave their dishes in the sink for days. My parent's mail accumulates on the kitchen table for weeks at a time until there is no more room for mail. My sister is so self-absorbed that she doesn't notice any of this, let alone the messes she makes and leaves behind. The upstairs bathroom is disgusting and everyone leaves wet towels just laying on the floor. I seriously wish I didn't have to live here. I try to keep my areas clean and I do, but it makes no difference when the rest of the house is a mess. I clean up after myself but you would never know it.

I know I sound selfish and unappreciative. My parents let me live here rent-free, and thank god, because I can barely afford to get by right now while I'm in school. It is just SO frustrating, coming home to this everyday. I can't even go to sleep when I want to because my mom is so loud and runs around upstairs, slamming doors and talking on the phone. My house is small, and cramped, and old, and is never quiet. I never get to bed before midnight even when I try.

Some days I just want someone to talk to, about anything. Talking to John isn't easy because we're apart during the week and I really don't feel like talking online is really talking.

I feel like I'm stuck in this rut of school and work, and I'm not actually getting anywhere. I'll graduate, but I still wont be able to get a job until I finish grad school. I feel like my life is going to be static until then...I wont get anywhere financially, I wont be able to start a career...it's like I'm just stuck indefinitely. Is it even worth it?

I just really hate feeling so helpless.

blahh

I am having a really off week and I can't figure out why.

Things are bothering me that don't normally bother me. I have zero motivation.

I want to fast forward my life to when I don't have to live here anymore.

VOTE

I get really angry when people don't vote. Or don't take a stand on issues.

This is the most historic election ever, and in the midst of the worst economic crisis since the Great Depression...and STILL, people are apathetic.

I wont' tell you who to vote for, since I don't particularly like either one. Just vote!

november 2

I do not like Sunday nights.

Army Wives season finale was tonight. That show, as much as I love it, makes me so happy that John is out for good on February 23rd. And, the season finale didn't leave much of a cliffhanger...not like last year, anyway. I hope the third season starts sooner than it usually does...waiting until June will be way too painful ;)

Halloween was disappointing this year, I didn't see any good costumes. Kids don't even want to stay in theirs anymore...when I was ten I never wanted to take mine off! Where has the Halloween spirit gone??

I hope everyone remembers to vote on Tuesday. And anyone who hasn't seen this week's SNL with John McCain should definitely go YouTube it. Right now.

My birthday is in twenty five days, almost twenty four. =)

when i feel you i forget to breathe

I decided tonight that I'm going to write down all the little things John does that make me fall for him all over again.

Someday, I'd love to be able to tell my children about the man who stole my heart over and over again - the little things he did that meant so much to me.

For example...it's October. My favorite month. Why is it my favorite month? The leaves are pretty, the air is crisp, everything smells good, I get to wear sweaters, and it's Halloween. You knew that was coming, right? Of course you did. I love Halloween, mostly because I love to dress up. For one night, my inner five year old is allowed to come out, and no one will make fun of me. So, since October 1st, I've been bugging John to do all sorts of October-y things with me - hike under the leaves, carve pumpkins...and dress up with me on Halloween. I don't even really ask him to dress up, I just ask him what we're dressing up as - as if he has no choice. He always replies that he's not dressing up. I pout, and ten minutes later we go through it all over a gain. Quite frustrating when you love Halloween, no? Anyway, I wasn't expecting him to dress up with me - he didn't last year and it was fine. I just like busting him about it ; )

Today, when he came home from work, he says to me, guess what! My guess? What!! (Original, I know). I got a Halloween costume, he said. YOU DID!? Yes - I really was that excited. He stopped during his route and got a Joker mask - so I am going to be Cat Woman (because we have to match, of course). Tomorrow night we are off in search of cat ears.

Tonight, before he went to bed, I thanked him for getting a costume and told him that it made my day. His reply? I knew it would.

THAT is why I want to write all of these moments down.

i love you and that's all i really know

I lost five pounds last week, the right way. Yay for me, for once.

It's really cold in this house, my fingers are frozen. Not really, but they are the kind of cold where I have to sit on them to warm them up. Same with my feet, but its harder to sit on those. ;)

I need to get motivated. For what, I don't know. I just know I need to get my butt in gear and feel productive. Which is odd, considering I've been more productive with school this semester than I have in the last two years. I want to start working out again but I don't know where I'd possible squeeze that in. I want to clean out my dresser and closet but that requires lots of hours of my time that I'm not willing to give up on the weekend. Speaking of, I already miss John and want the weekend to be here now...JUST so we can have another pillow fight. =)

It's quarter to 12 and I am not in bed yet. I'm so going to be mad at myself in the morning. I'm too busy downloading music, obviously far more important than sleep. We'll see what I think about that at 6:30 when the alarm goes off.

weekend recap

John carving our pumpkin, who I have yet to name.

Us with our pumpkin. It only took about half an hour to carve him. Yes, it's a him.

Christy and I at the party. We never get to see each other anymore.

Milo, standing guard. No one is allowed to enter his house.

Our pumpkin, lit up. Boo!

We lost cable, phone, and TV last Saturday from a bad storm. A tree limb fell into the wires outside, and ended up just chillin in the wires for a day. Luckily, that wire prevented the limb from falling into my dad's windshield. Everything happens for a reason! The tree people came and cut the limb out so that we could at least leave the driveway, and the cable company came today to restore our phone/TV/internet.

Tonight I asked John a question. It went something like this:

Me: What do you want for Christmas?
John: I have you, I don't need anything else.
Me: -melt-

=)

lucy

Things to be happy about:

1. Tomorrow is Friday - thank goodness for weekends, they keep me sane.
2. My grandparent's inherited a good chunk of money from a relative, and should be able to go to Sweden like they've always wanted to.
3. I cleaned the cats box and scrubbed their food bowls and vacuumed out their food area, which I've been meaning to do all week.
4. I officially have only six and a half weeks of classes left.
5. Lucy has a new routine of sleeping on my belly while I read before bed and it makes me love her even more for being so cute.
6. I get to see Milo tomorrow!
7. I ate PERFECT all week.
8. My car is still clean, after nearly five months of owning her. Impressive, considering I used to let cars get so cluttered that you couldn't tell them apart from a trash can if you tried.
9. Did I mention it's almost the weekend?

i'll hold my breath

My family got some sad news that our neighbor of 18 years passed away unexpectedly in a car accident Monday afternoon. Life is just not fair...I don't understand why these things don't happen to the bad people in the world. Why don't the murderers, child molesters, rapists, and arsonists ever get in car accidents and die? Why is it always the good people?

These kinds of things make me feel so guilty. I truly feel so bad for the family; I wish I could do something to ease their pain. Yet at the same time, I feel so lucky to have what I have...and I feel guilty for feeling so happy amidst this sadness. It feels wrong to feel joy and love and all these good things that I have, but I can't help it - I just feel it. This situation terrifies the absolute shit out of me - that someone just like me could have something like this happen to them and that the good things I do have could be torn away at a moment's notice.  I don't know, these things just suck. I never know what to make of them, or what to say, or what to do. I guess there isn't much you can do for people who are in this situation, because nothing will bring him back. Can you imagine that? What it feels like? I'm doing research on this topic for a class, and none of it makes me understand this any better than I do now. The textbooks say that you can't understand death until you've experienced it yourself, and I suppose that has a lot of truth to it. And if that's the case, I never want to understand death.

And while we're on the topic of death, I took my Death and Dying midterm tonight and I think I did pretty well. We'll see next week. I'm doing really well this semester, I have nothing below a 95. Shocking, considering my lack of effort concerning school for the last year and a half. I hope I can keep it up through December, I'd love to get my GPA back above 3.65.

I have pictures of my new haircut. I guess it doesn't look that different, it's cut a bit different but unless you really studied my hair before you wouldn't notice the difference. I can't believe the election is so soon. I still don't like any of the candidates very much. Especially Palin. Amanda has an glorious captioned picture of her in an astronaut suit with "I can see the moon from my house!" bubbled in. AMAZING.

I am still looking forward to Saturday, despite having to go to the funeral. We are taking Milo for his shots at 11:30, and later in the afternoon we have the pumpkin carving party. Have I mentioned that I LOVE AUTUMN??

New Haircut:

(I HATE my cheeks. Why couldn't I have been born with skinny cheeks?!)

i'm a girl with the best intentions

If you can, you should download a song by Grace Potter & Bethany Joy Galeotti - "I Want Something That I Want." I got mine on iTunes for $0.99 and it's a glorious two minutes and three seconds.

Today I got my Immigration midterm back. I don't remember if I wrote about this, but I took this midterm last Tuesday. It was six short answers and two essays, and it had to be done in one hour and fifteen minutes. No problem, right? No. I took the entire 75 minutes and I had to write the last essay in the last five minutes of the exam - it should have been a five paragraph, cohesive essay proving a point. I pieced together what I could in five minutes, hoping I fit all the main ideas into the argument in a way that made sense to someone besides just me. I was sure I'd lose a lot of points on that essay - it wasn't that logical, or legible, or lengthy. I even told John how upset I was when I got home that night - that I studied so hard for it and KNEW the answer, but simply ran out of time. When she handed them back today, I opened mine up and much to my surprise, I got a 100. It made my entire headache filled day worthwhile.

John and I are going to a pumpkin carving party on Saturday, which I am ridiculously excited for. I love this time of year, and carving pumpkins, and apple cider, and being in good company. Totally looking forward to this.

Oh, and this is what I woke up to on Sunday morning. Be Jealous.

Yes, he cooked me pancakes. They were oh so yummy. He's the best. =)

productive-ness

Today was productive. I love productive days. I wrote my entire Literature Review for Immigration that's due tomorrow, did a bunch of old math homework, cleaned the kitchen, and managed to fit in One Tree Hill.

Tomorrow night I have to be productive and study for my Death and Dying exam on Wednesday, and continue to be productive until I get that paper finished. Shouldn't be too hard, I just need to actually do some legit research on it. I already did my interview, I just have to piece it together with academic proof.

Then I have to be productive and study for my Gender exam and Math exam, both of which are on October 30th.

Then I have to be productive and do my immigration paper, which will be fun because the assignment is to tell my family's immigration story. Totally easy, since my family is oh-so-awesome and keeping all that stuff around. Speaking of, last week I was going through some of my great-grandfather's things with my mom, and she gave me an entire box of love letters that he sent to my great-grandmother, and the ones that she sent to him. How cool is that? My uncles have some of his bank books, and one of them has the original saw that he brought over with him from Sweden. (Kinda crazy that if anyone tried to bring a power tool across the ocean today, they'd be a terrorist). I already know most of my history, so it will be easy to write. Even if it has to be at least 12 pages.

Then I have to write an 8 page reflective analysis of what I learned over 16 weeks in my Race, Class, Gender course. That's not till December, but since I'm making a list of what I have to do before the semester is over, I figured I'd include it.

On a brighter note, I'm getting my hair cut tomorrow. Not dyed, yet.  I'm still debating that one. ;)

nobody wants to go it on their own, everyone wants to know they're not alone

I'm loving Nickelback's new single. They are the only band on my top five list that I have not seen live yet. Someday...

But anyway. I heard it on the radio today on my way home. Nickelback is a special band to me, their music meant a lot during a pretty crappy time and whenever I heard their music, it reminds me of that time. Of being heartbroken, missing someone so bad I thought it was the worst pain imaginable, and not even knowing how to put my life together. I listen them, and they remind me of this one person, and this time period, and it makes me feel nostalgic. It reminds me of how naive and young I was. And usually, I don't like listening to the band for that very reason, even though I love their music.

This song is about yearning for that person, that one person who will make your heart beat a million beats per second, that person whose smile can melt your heart. It's about waiting for that person and having faith that he or she will find you and make you whole. It's about how we all want the same thing, how we all need our other half to go on the big, scary, unknown journey of life with. Today, I listened to this song and it just made me so insanely happy... jumping up and down-grinning ear to ear-so happy I could explode-happy. Why? Because I have my person.

The song is about yearning, wanting, waiting, hoping, praying for your person. I have mine. The song makes me feel so good, so thankful, so blessed to have something so powerful and strong that so many people don't have.

My mom told me a month after John and I started seeing each other that she knew something was different this time. After about a year, she told my sister (who then told me) that she thinks I will marry John. And you know what? I never really thought about it that much until recently. I'm not saying I want to get married anytime soon...but I can see myself with John for the long haul. I can see myself marrying him. I knew when I met him that there was something different about him. He chose to stick by my side during some really hard times. He is everything I ever wanted in somebody...and he makes me feel whole.

January 2008

today, i am a slug.

I got my period today. I hate it, for many reasons:

-I get insanely tired. I overslept through my alarm today and missed my first class. And I was just about falling asleep during the classes I actually made it to, and ended up leaving early.  If I could, I'd be able to sleep for 20 hours on the first day of my period, THAT'S how wiped out I get.
-I get cravings. For chocolate. For three days before I actually get my period. And especially bad on the first day. Case in point? Today when I brought Erin to work at the bakery, I caved into my overzealous estrogen levels and bought a giant homemade chocolate chunk cookie. Yes, they are as bad for you as they sound. But ohhh so tempting when chocolate is on your mind. Luckily, it was about as big as Cooper's frisbee and I couldn't eat more than two or three bites.
-I pee, a lot. Which gets to be quite annoying when I try to sleep, you know, because I get so tired.
-Cramps. I feel like someone stuck a knife into my uterus and is pretending to cut up a loaf of bread. OW.
-Migraine. Irritable. Over-sensitive. Sore boobs. Yep. All of this.
-Oh, and did I mention that I always gain about five pounds? Yep. For three days, I feel like I need to be wearing a bigger size jeans just to accommodate the extra five pounds of water taking up space in my body. Thanks, water weight.

This is why guys should be thankful for their testosterone.

My new plan is to start watching what I eat - not necessarily counting calories, because I don't want to go back down that road, but just plain eating healthier. And drinking more water. And making sure I do those dreaded pilates DVDs during the week. Why? Because I've read and heard that eating well and getting enough exercise and regularly drinking a lot of water helps minimize the pain of getting your period. For real. It's suppose to make cramps better, irritability better, all of it. I just feel like a giant chocolate chip cookie eating, extra five pounds, overtired slug today. And if I can NOT feel like that next month, well that'd be just awesome.

do you have a something?

Still working on the hair thing! I have an apointment to get it cut next Tuesday...so maybe I'll attempt dying it on my own, instead of paying a hundred dollars? Cheap = GOOD.

I am tired, cold, and braindead tonight. I need a vacation, or just a day off from everything. My room is a disaster, I have to catch up on so much school work, and I'm just plain tired. I can't wait to sleep in on Saturday!

Here's a thought for you, from Frank Zappa - "Everybody believes in something and everybody, by virtue of the fact that they believe in something, use that something to support their own existence."  I think love is that something, for me, for right now. The past year and a half, the right now, the future...it's what gets me through the day in one piece. It's what makes me believe I can do anything, it's what makes me feel good about myself. It makes me smile, and laugh, and want to burst happiness out everywhere for everyone to experience.

What is your something?

brunette or blonde?

I'm recruiting everyone I know to tell me if they think I should go back to a dark brunette or stay blonde.

If it helps, I'm chopping my hair short again. I know it's short now, but I'm gonna take off a couple inches and layer it like it was four months ago.

So leave a comment and let me know what you think...I'm leaning towards dark, but my parents are insiting I should stay blonde.

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I had my Immigration midterm today...I knew everything, I just ran out of time and my second essay is kind of mish-mashed, but still has all the main ideas, so time will tell. I hope I did well, because I studied my butt off. I handed in my Race, Class & Gender midterm too...I'll be happy with a C, I didn't put much effort into it. I have a math quiz on Thursday and still have that big paper to write. I feel like I'll never get caught up. I can't freaking wait to graduate.

I miss Milo. And John. There are 80 days until Disney. I ate PMS cake tonight. Yum. I wish it was Friday.

it's a love story

Reasons why I love John THIS MUCH tonight:

-He finally told me he thinks my hair would look good darker for the winter.
-He let a surprise slip tonight, but the surprise was so cute and reminded me how sweet he is.
-He told me I'd get a 112 on my midterm
-He sent me a Happy Columbus Day text this morning.
-He's just so good looking!


Us, last Christmas. I heart him, lots and lots.

It's been a LONG day of studying for two midterms and ugly math homework that I don't understand. And that's just since 5:30! I had a whole day of boring, tedious work before that. I plan on doing nothing tomorrow afternoon until after dinner, and then I'll make myself do some research. I obviously need to catch up on Grey's from last week, Army Wives and One Tree Hill from this week. What a nerd.

a little piece of fall for you

This weekend was the perfect fall weekend, even if it was a little warm.

Friday night we didn't do much of anything, besides go to dinner and watch tv. Saturday we rolled out of bed around 1pm, which was fabulous. We met John's friend for a late lunch at the diner and I got the best chocolate chip pancakes EVER, second only to my mom's. Then we played frisbee with Cooper for a while, which he loooved.

That night, we went to the Portland Fair with two of John's friends. I love the fair, even though it's really small and boring. We saw my uncle's giant pumpkin (497.5 pounds!) and visited my parents at the coffee booth, and split the firemen's french fries. Later, John and I drove my brother back to Qunnipiac and got to see the campus and Andrew's dorm room.

Today we woke up and about a half hour later, John's sister showed up at the apartment. We left from there to go to her house for lunch on the grill with her and the boys. Then we took the two older boys to Wadsworth Falls in Middlefield, which was gorgeous! We hiked around the waterfall with them for about an hour, which was a lot of fun, especially because it was perfect weather.

[gallery]

1. The boys, running.
2. Gorgeous day, gorgeous picture =)
3. Waterfalllll!
4. The boys with Uncle Johnny
5. Gabriel in front of the waterfall
6. My love<3
7. Posing literally ten feet from the waterfall
8. Heading up the stairs
9. With Gabriel
10. With Jacob
11. John took this one of the stream =)

if they can't see you...

I wish I had more time in the day to eat better and exercise more. I have had so much homework recently that has to get done - take home exams, lit review, two research papers, and tons of reading - that I barely have time to shower and do laundry. My newest thing is that I want a recumbent bike so I can multi-task: read and bike at the same time. They only cost about $200 on amazon.com, so maybe my parents will feel generous on my birthday? =) Which, by the way, is in 48 days!

This week went by quickly - it's already almost Friday! The Portland Fair is this weekend and hopefully the weather is nice so John and I can go one night...if only for the hot apple cider and silly midway games. My brother is coming home tonight until Sunday, so hopefully we can do something with him too.

This made me laugh tonight:



...because Milo now recognizes the flea-spray bottle and runs like a mad-kitty when he sees John take it out ;)

its my favorite time of the year

First, to answer Jen's question: Starting around April, I began feeling nauseous ALL the time. I went to see lots of doctors, who couldn't explain why I felt sick constantly. I had procedures done, and still nothing was found out. In September they sent me to a stomach-emptying-study. This required me to fast for one day, and then go to the hospital for a 2-hour test. They fed me scrambled eggs that had radioactive ions in them, and they I laid under a big x-ray machine for 2 hours while it took pictures of how my stomach emptied its contents.

Come to find out, I have gastroparesis, which essentially means my stomach muscles cannot push food out (hence my term "paralyzed stomach"). They tell me it is a result of years of starving myself and throwing up. (Figures, right? After being healthy for a year, and on top of it all, THIS happens!) So now, I have to take a little pill thirty minutes before each meal, and it stimulates my stomach to contract and effectively digest food. Annoying, but so far it's working.  And it kicked my metabolism into gear and I've lost eight pounds. Yay!

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Today I realized that I never let myself live in the moment. I am always focused on some kind of agenda. Get work done, get homework done, get to class on time, pay my bills on time, do this, do that. Today was such a beautiful day and I realized an hour ago, once it was dark and too cold, that I missed out on a gorgeous fall day.

I was outside a lot today, walking between classes, but I never noticed the day. I knew it was sunny; I knew it was nice out. But I didn't stop to appreciate it. I think I should start doing that more - appreciating things while I have them, and not wishing differently or being too busy to really notice.



I love autumn. I love the leaves, the cool air, the cinnamon smell, the pumpkin carving, the mums, the crisp blue sky. So far, the weekends have all been rainy and I really hope that I get at least one good weekend this month. To go pick pumpkins, or go for a walk in the leaves, or just enjoy how GORGEOUS it is this time of year. And wear a sweater! A new sweater, preferably ;)

And I'll just repeat this, because it makes me happy to repeat it a million times: I am so lucky to have someone like John in my life. I love him so much I could burst and shoot happiness out everywhere. He's the best <3