I haven't written in a long time. I've been working between 25-30 hours a week and going to school full time, so things have been a little busy. Overall though, things are great. I am so happy, so it kind of makes any stress not matter as much. I haven't been going to the gym much, so that's my new focus. I love going, it's just been a matter of finding the time to get there. And eating better too, which pretty much translates into making sure I eat enough. I've done good so far this week.
I'm almost done Christmas shopping; I've finished Mom, Dad, and Nanny & Bumpie. I know what I'm getting Erin and John, but I'm stuck on Andrew. The one thing about finishing this early is that I get really anxious to give people their gifts. I also have to send out my cards soon before it's too late.
I am so ready for this semester to be over with. I've got the rest of this week and then Monday & Wednesday next week. Soo looking forward to five weeks with no school. Speaking of, I have to go to the library today and do research on a theologian for my religion class. Not going to be fun.
It's cold and windy and gray outside. That's got to be why so many people hate winter, it's always so sad looking.
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
Friday, November 9, 2007
Friday, October 26, 2007
i believe
-I believe that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And, just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.
-I believe that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.
-I believe that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
-I believe that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.
-I believe that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.
-I believe that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.
-I believe that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.
-I believe that you can keep going long after you think you can't.
-I believe that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
-I believe that either you control your attitude or it controls you.
-I believe that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.
-I believe that money is a lousy way of keeping score.
-I believe that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones to help you get back up.
-I believe that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.
-I believe that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.
-I believe that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.
-I believe that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.
-I believe that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
-I believe that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.
-I believe two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.
-I believe that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.
-I believe that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you - you will find the strength to help.
-I believe that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.
-I believe that the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.
-I believe that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.
-I believe that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
-I believe that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.
-I believe that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.
-I believe that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.
-I believe that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.
-I believe that you can keep going long after you think you can't.
-I believe that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
-I believe that either you control your attitude or it controls you.
-I believe that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.
-I believe that money is a lousy way of keeping score.
-I believe that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones to help you get back up.
-I believe that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.
-I believe that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.
-I believe that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.
-I believe that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.
-I believe that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
-I believe that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.
-I believe two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.
-I believe that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.
-I believe that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you - you will find the strength to help.
-I believe that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.
-I believe that the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.
Sunday, October 21, 2007
baby why don't you stay
The stupidest things have been getting to me today. Sometimes I have days where I feel so inadequate when it comes to everything. Like...no matter how much effort I put into something, the situation still doesn't change that much. Not that it's all within my control, but still, should I even bother if it goes unnoticed? Or maybe it is noticed and just not acknowledged. Either way, I shouldn't be concerned with it because I don't go out of my way to do the things I do just so I get acknowledged for it...I do it because I want to and because I want to make things better. Sometimes it's just frustrating. And then when I need something in return, or when I'm having a hard time, I have to deal with everything on my own. I don't even know if this makes sense.
I'm not focused on school at all this semester. I'm fine with that too - it's just one semester. I've come to realize that life doesn't come down to the grades I get in school. In 10 years, people wont remember whether I got an A or a B in political science, so why bother stressing myself out over it when there are more important things to worry about? Right now I'm concerned with work because my store is in a tough position and I'm trying to prove my worth there, especially because I could really use a raise. And my personal life is really important to me too right now, which usually has been on the back burner, at least for the past few years. But I want to make that a priority right now, especially because I know I will pass my classes no matter what this semester. I don't care if I pass with a C, B or A as long as I pass. So focusing on my family and on John are more important to me.
Sometimes I worry that it might bother John knowing how important he is in my life especially because its not reciprocal, but I completely understand where he is right now and why he needs to focus all his energy on his job and getting his life together. And I want to be able to help him in whatever way I can, and I know that part of that means that our relationship isn't his focus right now, and it wont be for a while. Strangely enough, I'm ok with that. And I think maybe it's because I feel like I love him for real. It sounds weird when you say it like that, but I get what it means. I've said that I've loved another person before and I don't think I was lying, but I do think it was a different kind of love...not necessarily unmerited love, but just not as real as this. Sometimes I question whether John really does love me even though he says he does, but I think maybe it ties in with how stressful things are for him right now.
It's late and I'm babbling, I guess just trying to de-stress myself about this coming week. Sooo much to do, so little free time. Eww =(
I'm not focused on school at all this semester. I'm fine with that too - it's just one semester. I've come to realize that life doesn't come down to the grades I get in school. In 10 years, people wont remember whether I got an A or a B in political science, so why bother stressing myself out over it when there are more important things to worry about? Right now I'm concerned with work because my store is in a tough position and I'm trying to prove my worth there, especially because I could really use a raise. And my personal life is really important to me too right now, which usually has been on the back burner, at least for the past few years. But I want to make that a priority right now, especially because I know I will pass my classes no matter what this semester. I don't care if I pass with a C, B or A as long as I pass. So focusing on my family and on John are more important to me.
Sometimes I worry that it might bother John knowing how important he is in my life especially because its not reciprocal, but I completely understand where he is right now and why he needs to focus all his energy on his job and getting his life together. And I want to be able to help him in whatever way I can, and I know that part of that means that our relationship isn't his focus right now, and it wont be for a while. Strangely enough, I'm ok with that. And I think maybe it's because I feel like I love him for real. It sounds weird when you say it like that, but I get what it means. I've said that I've loved another person before and I don't think I was lying, but I do think it was a different kind of love...not necessarily unmerited love, but just not as real as this. Sometimes I question whether John really does love me even though he says he does, but I think maybe it ties in with how stressful things are for him right now.
It's late and I'm babbling, I guess just trying to de-stress myself about this coming week. Sooo much to do, so little free time. Eww =(
Friday, October 19, 2007
it's windy
So it's been a while. Maybe that's good, maybe it means that I've been sane enough to deal with things without the help of a random place on the internet. Which would then mean that since I'm writing now, I'm not sane enough to deal with things on my own. I am not sure exactly what is going on with me, but something is definitely up. I haven't been eating normally...over the last few weeks I've been gradually lowering the amount of food I eat and I've been making myself throw up again which is clearly not good. Especially considering my throat has barely had enough time to heal so I'm basically undoing all the hard work I've done over the last four months to get here. My parents know something is going on and so does John but I haven't told anyone that I've been throwing up whatever I do eat. And I know what I'm doing is wrong but I'm at that point where I don't even care. I am fully aware of it all but I feel like I can't control it. I feel so helpless too, like this will never fully go away.
Lately though, I've been so happy. Things at home are good, things with John are perfect, school's not so bad, work is good and I'm finally getting some recognition there. I can't figure out what is causing me to start this again. Maybe a month or so ago I got a message on myspace that had actually been messages sent back and forth between John and some girl named Christina, and she forwarded them to me. Basically, something happened that really upset me, but what upset me the most was that he denied it when I obviously know that it really did happen. I haven't brought it up since because people are human and make mistakes and I don't need to go around reminding him of that, but it has been in the back of my mind ever since. I trust him, I really do, but sometimes I get paranoid. Honestly, I don't care anymore about what he did, it just bothers me that he wont tell me the truth. The only thing that would change between us would be that I would be relieved to know that he trusts me with the truth. And maybe that is why I'm having such a hard time really opening up to him about my eating. Talking about why I dont eat and why I make myself sick puts me in a really vulnerable position, and it's just about as open as I can get with him, and I guess I'm just afraid of letting my guard down when I know that he hasn't been completely open with me. And I can't bring myself to admit that to him because I dont want him to feel like I am still holding onto that incident, even though in the back of my mind I am. All I know is that I love him so much and I hope all of this doesn't turn him away.
Lately though, I've been so happy. Things at home are good, things with John are perfect, school's not so bad, work is good and I'm finally getting some recognition there. I can't figure out what is causing me to start this again. Maybe a month or so ago I got a message on myspace that had actually been messages sent back and forth between John and some girl named Christina, and she forwarded them to me. Basically, something happened that really upset me, but what upset me the most was that he denied it when I obviously know that it really did happen. I haven't brought it up since because people are human and make mistakes and I don't need to go around reminding him of that, but it has been in the back of my mind ever since. I trust him, I really do, but sometimes I get paranoid. Honestly, I don't care anymore about what he did, it just bothers me that he wont tell me the truth. The only thing that would change between us would be that I would be relieved to know that he trusts me with the truth. And maybe that is why I'm having such a hard time really opening up to him about my eating. Talking about why I dont eat and why I make myself sick puts me in a really vulnerable position, and it's just about as open as I can get with him, and I guess I'm just afraid of letting my guard down when I know that he hasn't been completely open with me. And I can't bring myself to admit that to him because I dont want him to feel like I am still holding onto that incident, even though in the back of my mind I am. All I know is that I love him so much and I hope all of this doesn't turn him away.
Saturday, September 8, 2007
So Lifehuse is coming back to CT on September 28th and I thought I was going to have a heart attack when I found out yesterday. I am sosososososososossoso excited AND (!!) Amanda and I might go to the Vermont show the next night, depending on if I can get enough money in time. That would be amazing. It already is amazing because they were just here less than two months ago and I am insanely excited times 47 for this show because it's a full set. !!!!!!!!!
My parents are away for the weekend with Andrew and Erin so I've had the house to myself, which has been nice. Not that I've been home all that much anyways. I don't have any other news, except that I started school again. Yay. (not really).
My parents are away for the weekend with Andrew and Erin so I've had the house to myself, which has been nice. Not that I've been home all that much anyways. I don't have any other news, except that I started school again. Yay. (not really).
Sunday, September 2, 2007
It's 12:30 a.m. and I'm sitting here drinking a hot chocolate that my super amazing boyfriend just brought for me. I was talking to him online about an hour ago telling him how cold I was and he told me to hold on because he had to go do something. 20 minutes later he's on my porch with a hot chocolate in his hand. How sweet is that?
I. am. so. happy.
I. am. so. happy.
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
say you'll be mine
Today is the 2nd anniversary of Katrina. I get so mad at myself sometimes because I take so much for granted and I complain about so many things that don't really matter at all. Like the fact that I'm broke. So what? There are people who are still homeless, two years after the fact, and I'm complaining that I can't afford books this semester. I should be thankful that I can go to school and get an education but instead I just find things to dislike about it. Maybe that's what's wrong with this country as a whole, we take way too many things for granted. We're so self-centered and vain that we lose sight of the real issues. I know I sound like a liberal here (have no fear - that's not happening anytime soon) but I just think that if people took a little time to help other people, the world might be a better place.
John and I went to the beach yesterday and both of us got sunburned. He found a starfish in the water and a huge crab that was still alive, which sent me straight out of the water. I really dont know how I got so lucky. He makes it so easy for me to talk to him, which is huge because I am not the type of person to talk about things when I'm upset. He makes me laugh all the time and he gets along with my family which is really important to me. And we can both have our own lives, which is something that I really need right now. With Steven, we alllllways had to be together and alllllways had to be doing the same things, which is why it didnt work with him. I have to be able to have my alone time and time to do things on my own. And same with him, he's pefectly fine if we go and do our own thing. That's what makes this feel so real I think. I used to have this whole list of things I wanted in someone, and he's totally the opposite of all of that. Maybe the fact that he's not perfect is what makes him so perfect. But the fact that I am so so so so insanely, ridiculously happy with him scares me because it makes me that much more afraid of rejection.
I promised Erin I'd take her to IHOP the last day of summer, so after we hit the gym we're going to drive up there for a late lunch. I can't believe Andrew is a senior this year, or that Erin is a freaking sophomore. It makes me sad that we're all growing up and that in a year Andrew will be out of here. I think I just have to stop thinking about these things.
John and I went to the beach yesterday and both of us got sunburned. He found a starfish in the water and a huge crab that was still alive, which sent me straight out of the water. I really dont know how I got so lucky. He makes it so easy for me to talk to him, which is huge because I am not the type of person to talk about things when I'm upset. He makes me laugh all the time and he gets along with my family which is really important to me. And we can both have our own lives, which is something that I really need right now. With Steven, we alllllways had to be together and alllllways had to be doing the same things, which is why it didnt work with him. I have to be able to have my alone time and time to do things on my own. And same with him, he's pefectly fine if we go and do our own thing. That's what makes this feel so real I think. I used to have this whole list of things I wanted in someone, and he's totally the opposite of all of that. Maybe the fact that he's not perfect is what makes him so perfect. But the fact that I am so so so so insanely, ridiculously happy with him scares me because it makes me that much more afraid of rejection.
I promised Erin I'd take her to IHOP the last day of summer, so after we hit the gym we're going to drive up there for a late lunch. I can't believe Andrew is a senior this year, or that Erin is a freaking sophomore. It makes me sad that we're all growing up and that in a year Andrew will be out of here. I think I just have to stop thinking about these things.
Thursday, August 23, 2007
...
Adsdgjkg, it's one of those days. I think I'm in a writing phase again...the kind where I feel the need to pour out my soul every five minutes. It's frustrating in a sense because my mind is constantly moving and worrying and thinking and I wish for just five minutes it would stop. Really, I think right now it boils down to me being a big baby.
I don't know why I'm so insecure about everything. I knew this would happen because it always does. I get involved with someone and I start picking myself apart and convincing myself I'm not good enough. And it's not just my body either...I pick apart my personality too. I should think before I say things, I shouldn't be so quiet, I should stop worrying, I should be more reserved, pretty much be someone I'm not. So... sometimes I blurt things out without thinking. Sometimes I'm just quiet. Sometimes I laugh at dumb things. Sometimes I just want to be held. That's just who I am. I know this is partly due to the fact that this has all happened so quickly, but what I am I supposed to do - pass up someone this amazing? I'm not going to hold back and miss out on him just because I can't get myself together. I've never felt like this before. I miss him so much when I'm not with him and he gives me the butterfly feeling whenever I see him. I just feel different with him. Maybe I need to talk to him about this but I really dont want to. I have a feeling it would freak him out that I'm so weird.
I've been so tired lately. I've had headaches constantly too, but those should go away by next week when I get onto my new birth control. It'll be the 7th one in three years, you'd think that there would be at least one pill out there that doesn't give me headaches but nooo..it's like clockwork. After 3-4 months on any given pill I start getting headaches. My boobs have been killing me for the last week too, and that's probably related to the pill issues too.
I just need to go to bed and sleep for a while. Hopefully I'll sleep too late and accidentally miss work becuase I am so sick of all the drama going on there. Disney of all places should be drama free but noooo, it's not.
I don't know why I'm so insecure about everything. I knew this would happen because it always does. I get involved with someone and I start picking myself apart and convincing myself I'm not good enough. And it's not just my body either...I pick apart my personality too. I should think before I say things, I shouldn't be so quiet, I should stop worrying, I should be more reserved, pretty much be someone I'm not. So... sometimes I blurt things out without thinking. Sometimes I'm just quiet. Sometimes I laugh at dumb things. Sometimes I just want to be held. That's just who I am. I know this is partly due to the fact that this has all happened so quickly, but what I am I supposed to do - pass up someone this amazing? I'm not going to hold back and miss out on him just because I can't get myself together. I've never felt like this before. I miss him so much when I'm not with him and he gives me the butterfly feeling whenever I see him. I just feel different with him. Maybe I need to talk to him about this but I really dont want to. I have a feeling it would freak him out that I'm so weird.
I've been so tired lately. I've had headaches constantly too, but those should go away by next week when I get onto my new birth control. It'll be the 7th one in three years, you'd think that there would be at least one pill out there that doesn't give me headaches but nooo..it's like clockwork. After 3-4 months on any given pill I start getting headaches. My boobs have been killing me for the last week too, and that's probably related to the pill issues too.
I just need to go to bed and sleep for a while. Hopefully I'll sleep too late and accidentally miss work becuase I am so sick of all the drama going on there. Disney of all places should be drama free but noooo, it's not.
free and easy down the road i go
hellllloooo, where has the time gone?? school starts in less than two weeks, that's so crazy. usually i dont mind school but i have to take poli sci and bio this semester which wont be fun, plus two history classes which will be a toonnnnn of work with the professors i'm taking. plus i miss being at providence so much and i still wish i could be back there instead of at ccsu.
i can't really think of anything exciting that's happened lately. aunt helen died, but i wouldn't exactly consider that exciting. the funeral sucked, my grandpa had such a hard time. it's hard when you see someone who's always been so tough and guarded break down like that and i just wanted to make it all go away for him. in a way, i hate getting older because life gets so much more complicated. the funeral was just a huge reminder that my grandparents wont be around forever. i know how lucky i am that nanny and bumpie are both healthy, especially considering how close i am to them, but at the same time i know they wont be around forever. i've always been really close to them and i always go to them before my own parents when something is wrong and i cant imagine life without them. it scares me because i've never really had to deal with death before. i mean, people in my family have died, but no one that i have been really close to. i was really close to aunt helen when i was younger, but she's been sick for so many years that it sort of distanced me from all of it. as much as nanny drives me up a wall sometimes, i know i'll be lost without her.
i applied for a job at the hospital because disney just isnt cutting it anymore. i'm so broke, that month and a half of not being able to work after the accident drained my savings and the new car didnt help either. i dont even know how i'm going to buy books this semester. i have $100 still on my barnes and noble card but i'm sure that wont even cover my bio book. john's got to start looking for a job too because his unemployment runs out in november. money sucks. see, it would be so much better to be 10 years old.
but its ok because i'm happy, really happy, and its such a nice change.
i can't really think of anything exciting that's happened lately. aunt helen died, but i wouldn't exactly consider that exciting. the funeral sucked, my grandpa had such a hard time. it's hard when you see someone who's always been so tough and guarded break down like that and i just wanted to make it all go away for him. in a way, i hate getting older because life gets so much more complicated. the funeral was just a huge reminder that my grandparents wont be around forever. i know how lucky i am that nanny and bumpie are both healthy, especially considering how close i am to them, but at the same time i know they wont be around forever. i've always been really close to them and i always go to them before my own parents when something is wrong and i cant imagine life without them. it scares me because i've never really had to deal with death before. i mean, people in my family have died, but no one that i have been really close to. i was really close to aunt helen when i was younger, but she's been sick for so many years that it sort of distanced me from all of it. as much as nanny drives me up a wall sometimes, i know i'll be lost without her.
i applied for a job at the hospital because disney just isnt cutting it anymore. i'm so broke, that month and a half of not being able to work after the accident drained my savings and the new car didnt help either. i dont even know how i'm going to buy books this semester. i have $100 still on my barnes and noble card but i'm sure that wont even cover my bio book. john's got to start looking for a job too because his unemployment runs out in november. money sucks. see, it would be so much better to be 10 years old.
but its ok because i'm happy, really happy, and its such a nice change.
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
hello august
Crazy couple of weeks? Pretty much.
This doesn't mean my life hasn't been exciting, because how can anything be exciting around here? Ok, so maybe (maybe?) I can get excited about this. I met someone. Yes, at the gym of all places, where I'm stinky, sweaty, and totally not put together. It was Monday July 23rd. Actually, I recognized him because in January of 2006 we'd been talking on myspace (retarded, I know - he friended in December right after Christmas and we talked for a few weeks, but then he was deployed to Afghanistan with the Guard, so we pretty much lost touch after that). Annnyways, I recognized him but figured that after 18 months deployment and everything that was going on in his life, he wouldn't remember me. So I went home, found him on myspace, and sent him a message. Surprise, he'd recognized me at the gym (from the scars on my arm of all things) and that night we met up and hung out at his place till 3 am. Yes, three o'clock in the morning. We hung out the next night too, and sat on the curb in front of my house until 3 am again. Both nights we talked the entire time, mostly about his deployment and a lot of random stuff. The next night I was at the concert (of course details to come later) and then Thursday night I stayed at his place for the night, completely accidentally, but we ended up "officially together" by the end of the night.
We've been together a lot since then, he's met my family and such, and everything feels so right. It's so easy for me to talk to him which is totally new for me. And he's so open with me about everything, and I think that's why it feels so right. That and he treats me better than anyone I've ever been with. He's the first guy to not try to get in my pants the first few nights together, and he's so considerate about the little things that you wouldn't normally think about. He makes me laugh constantly, and he makes me feel so important and worthwhile. I told him about my eating too, and surprisingly it went well and it doesn't bother him. This is the first time I've been so relaxed with someone, and not worrying about the future. It's all happening perfectly and I am so so so so so happy.
The concert, of course, was amazing. I can't wait for Lifehouse to headline later this year and next summer. It'll be fabulous x47. Not much else has been going on. Aunt Helen died last week, I'm still broke, and still haven't finished my stuff from the spring semester but I have until October. My brother and I haven't been getting along at all. He's been mad at me because I havent been spending a ton of money on him like he wants me to, and I haven't been home to cart him around everyday. So that translates into him being an ass to me and giving me a hard time about everything, but I really don't care. I'm not going to get all bent out of shape about it because it's not worth it, and I'm not going to do whatever he wants just so he's nice to me, even though that would be the easier thing to do.
I don't want school to start back up especially because I dont know what the hell I want to do with my life AND I'm broke and all that. I wish I could win the lottery or something, it'd make life a lot easier.
And that's it.
This doesn't mean my life hasn't been exciting, because how can anything be exciting around here? Ok, so maybe (maybe?) I can get excited about this. I met someone. Yes, at the gym of all places, where I'm stinky, sweaty, and totally not put together. It was Monday July 23rd. Actually, I recognized him because in January of 2006 we'd been talking on myspace (retarded, I know - he friended in December right after Christmas and we talked for a few weeks, but then he was deployed to Afghanistan with the Guard, so we pretty much lost touch after that). Annnyways, I recognized him but figured that after 18 months deployment and everything that was going on in his life, he wouldn't remember me. So I went home, found him on myspace, and sent him a message. Surprise, he'd recognized me at the gym (from the scars on my arm of all things) and that night we met up and hung out at his place till 3 am. Yes, three o'clock in the morning. We hung out the next night too, and sat on the curb in front of my house until 3 am again. Both nights we talked the entire time, mostly about his deployment and a lot of random stuff. The next night I was at the concert (of course details to come later) and then Thursday night I stayed at his place for the night, completely accidentally, but we ended up "officially together" by the end of the night.
We've been together a lot since then, he's met my family and such, and everything feels so right. It's so easy for me to talk to him which is totally new for me. And he's so open with me about everything, and I think that's why it feels so right. That and he treats me better than anyone I've ever been with. He's the first guy to not try to get in my pants the first few nights together, and he's so considerate about the little things that you wouldn't normally think about. He makes me laugh constantly, and he makes me feel so important and worthwhile. I told him about my eating too, and surprisingly it went well and it doesn't bother him. This is the first time I've been so relaxed with someone, and not worrying about the future. It's all happening perfectly and I am so so so so so happy.
The concert, of course, was amazing. I can't wait for Lifehouse to headline later this year and next summer. It'll be fabulous x47. Not much else has been going on. Aunt Helen died last week, I'm still broke, and still haven't finished my stuff from the spring semester but I have until October. My brother and I haven't been getting along at all. He's been mad at me because I havent been spending a ton of money on him like he wants me to, and I haven't been home to cart him around everyday. So that translates into him being an ass to me and giving me a hard time about everything, but I really don't care. I'm not going to get all bent out of shape about it because it's not worth it, and I'm not going to do whatever he wants just so he's nice to me, even though that would be the easier thing to do.
I don't want school to start back up especially because I dont know what the hell I want to do with my life AND I'm broke and all that. I wish I could win the lottery or something, it'd make life a lot easier.
And that's it.
Sunday, July 22, 2007
everyone stumbles sometimes
Well, I think this was one of the strangest weekends I've had in a long time. Not strange in a bad way, but definitely not typical at all. Saturday I went to Deep River with the family to see the parade. Lots and lots and lots of cute guys, and one of hit on me (of course it had to happen in front of the whole family so I didn't follow through haha) so that made it worth the four hours sitting in the beating sun and the funny shaped sunburn on my back. I passed out on the couch that afternoon for three hours and nobody bothered to wake me up or anything, so it was a completely unproductive day. That night I had free tickets to see Vince Gill and Amy Grant, both of whom I hadn't seen for probably ten years, so that was interesting. I don't typically like that sort of music, but it reminds me of my childhood because my mom played his music ALL the time.
Today I went to church because lately I've been feeling like I need some sort of guidance in my life - I know, sounds completely ridiculous but I don't know. I don't pay attention in church and I don't even participate in a majority of the service, but going almost gives me a strange sense of peace. And I think that's what I've needed lately, just a sense of peace, because I think it's so easy to get caught up and lost in everything else that goes on. I mean, I have my faith and I know what I believe in, but I've never felt like going to church makes any difference to me. I think it's almost hypocritical in a sense to say that you're only a good Christian if you go to church, because it's not like God only exists inside those four walls. Anyways.
Sometimes I feel like my age holds me back from so much. I've always felt like I'm years ahead of where I should be - at least mentally and emotionally. And in the last couple years I've dealt with so many things and I've grown up so much and I've learned so much about life and what kind of people I want to be around and what kind of person I want to be and blah blah blah. And I've had to completely turn my life around concerning my health and that has been the single hardest thing I've ever had to do. I can't even articulate exactly what I mean because it's so hard to comprehend, even for me. 18 months ago from right now I could have died at any time because of how bad it got and I didn't really understand how scary and serious that was until after the fact. Even when my parents sent me to the hospital in Boston, I had no idea how serious it was. And now in less than 2 years I've completely turned it around. I'm not saying I'm 100% better because I don't think I ever will be, but I have a handle on it. I can recognize triggers and I try so hard to stay on top of it. It's forced me to prioritize my life and really understand what matters. Dealing with it wasn't just dealing with the food or the body image. It was more dealing with the emotional crap that triggered it all and I think that is what has made me grow up so much. No one expects a 19 year old to think the way I do. My grandmother says I have an old soul but I don't necessarily think that's true. I just know exactly what I want and I know exactly who I am and I am a lot more mature than most other 19 year olds. And I think most people underestimate me just because of my age and it's frustrating at times. I feel like I have a lot more to offer the world and I'm just stuck here.
I really honestly 100% believe music holds me together. I'm seeing Lifehouse and Goo Goo Dolls on Wednesday night (!!!) Never in a million years did I think my two favorite bands would tour together. It's going to be absolutely amazing and I know it'll go by way too quickly and I'll wish that I could freeze those three hours forever and stay in them for eternity. It's funny - I've met some people who aren't that into music and I can't understand it at all. Music has always been such a big part of my life (ironic, considering I can't read music or sing to save my life). I always remember Mom having the radio on when we were kids and she started taking me to concerts with her when I was four. I can't imagine a life without music, it has gotten me through everything. I love when you hear a song that reminds you of a specific moment in time, even if it's a terrible song.
I feel like I need to write but I think I'm just babbling on now and that's pointless. I must be about to get my period because the stupidest things are making me want to cry, like the video for When You're Gone where the old man is looking at pictures of his wife and he takes her clothes out of the closet and starts crying. I never want to get old and lose someone I love like that. It breaks my heart now and I'm not even in love with anyone. It's like that saying from Winnie the Pooh, where he tells Piglet that he hopes he dies a day before Piglet does so he never has to live a day without him. How do you go on when you lose your other half? I think this is part of why I'm afraid of falling for anyone. I'm so afraid of getting hurt like that and going through all that pain, even though I know two minutes of pure happiness and love would be worth it. It still scares me. It's kind of like rejection, in a weird sense.
Today I went to church because lately I've been feeling like I need some sort of guidance in my life - I know, sounds completely ridiculous but I don't know. I don't pay attention in church and I don't even participate in a majority of the service, but going almost gives me a strange sense of peace. And I think that's what I've needed lately, just a sense of peace, because I think it's so easy to get caught up and lost in everything else that goes on. I mean, I have my faith and I know what I believe in, but I've never felt like going to church makes any difference to me. I think it's almost hypocritical in a sense to say that you're only a good Christian if you go to church, because it's not like God only exists inside those four walls. Anyways.
Sometimes I feel like my age holds me back from so much. I've always felt like I'm years ahead of where I should be - at least mentally and emotionally. And in the last couple years I've dealt with so many things and I've grown up so much and I've learned so much about life and what kind of people I want to be around and what kind of person I want to be and blah blah blah. And I've had to completely turn my life around concerning my health and that has been the single hardest thing I've ever had to do. I can't even articulate exactly what I mean because it's so hard to comprehend, even for me. 18 months ago from right now I could have died at any time because of how bad it got and I didn't really understand how scary and serious that was until after the fact. Even when my parents sent me to the hospital in Boston, I had no idea how serious it was. And now in less than 2 years I've completely turned it around. I'm not saying I'm 100% better because I don't think I ever will be, but I have a handle on it. I can recognize triggers and I try so hard to stay on top of it. It's forced me to prioritize my life and really understand what matters. Dealing with it wasn't just dealing with the food or the body image. It was more dealing with the emotional crap that triggered it all and I think that is what has made me grow up so much. No one expects a 19 year old to think the way I do. My grandmother says I have an old soul but I don't necessarily think that's true. I just know exactly what I want and I know exactly who I am and I am a lot more mature than most other 19 year olds. And I think most people underestimate me just because of my age and it's frustrating at times. I feel like I have a lot more to offer the world and I'm just stuck here.
I really honestly 100% believe music holds me together. I'm seeing Lifehouse and Goo Goo Dolls on Wednesday night (!!!) Never in a million years did I think my two favorite bands would tour together. It's going to be absolutely amazing and I know it'll go by way too quickly and I'll wish that I could freeze those three hours forever and stay in them for eternity. It's funny - I've met some people who aren't that into music and I can't understand it at all. Music has always been such a big part of my life (ironic, considering I can't read music or sing to save my life). I always remember Mom having the radio on when we were kids and she started taking me to concerts with her when I was four. I can't imagine a life without music, it has gotten me through everything. I love when you hear a song that reminds you of a specific moment in time, even if it's a terrible song.
I feel like I need to write but I think I'm just babbling on now and that's pointless. I must be about to get my period because the stupidest things are making me want to cry, like the video for When You're Gone where the old man is looking at pictures of his wife and he takes her clothes out of the closet and starts crying. I never want to get old and lose someone I love like that. It breaks my heart now and I'm not even in love with anyone. It's like that saying from Winnie the Pooh, where he tells Piglet that he hopes he dies a day before Piglet does so he never has to live a day without him. How do you go on when you lose your other half? I think this is part of why I'm afraid of falling for anyone. I'm so afraid of getting hurt like that and going through all that pain, even though I know two minutes of pure happiness and love would be worth it. It still scares me. It's kind of like rejection, in a weird sense.
Friday, July 20, 2007
i'll wait for you
So maybe I'm just making all the wrong decisions. I've spent two years in school to be a teacher and have never really felt like it was what I wanted to do. So I'm not applying to the Ed program in September. I can't justify spending tons of money on the Praxis and wasting a ton of energy in a program that wont even benefit me. I almost feel like I've chosen education because it's what everyone has expected me to do. I don't have any amazing talents or abilities, so teaching just kind of fits, especially considering I love kids. I think that if I was really meant to be a teacher, I'd be a little more confident of it.
But then I also have to consider my complete lack of confidence in all areas of my life, which is no doubt contributing at least in part to my confusion right now. My new plan? Double major in history and sociology, which gives me a huuuuge array of career choices once I graduate. I think I'd like to do work with a non-profit organization, maybe event planning or PR work. This doesn't postpone my graduation plans at all, because a soc major is the same number of credits as the ed program would have. Plus, if ten years down the road I realize I do want to be a teacher, it's not like I'd have to start all over to get certified.
I think I underestimate myself a little too much. This pertains to all aspects of my life, but especially to my confidence. Today I bought a pair of shorts at NY&Co that were a size down from what I've been wearing. I don't know why I did this, especially because I left the store without trying them on (this is pretty much setting myself up for disaster because I know full well how I react to clothes not fitting me). I got home and tried them on right away and to my complete and utter shock, they fit me. They were not tight or snug or anything but perfect. Shocking, especially because I have not been in this size since before I went into the hospital last spring. The thing that really gets me is that I have not counted calories in probbaly, ohhhh at least a month. This is HUGE for me. I haven't starved myself in over a month and I haven't thrown up in about two months. I have weighed myself twice since the accident, which is definitely better than four times a day. These are huge accomplishments for me, and the thing that really makes me proud is that I've gone down a whole size without obessing about it. I even bought a shirt in a size small (!!!) and it fits everything but my boobs (of course - but that's okay). I'm not really sure what my point is, but I think I should stop underestimating myself. I can get better, I can be normal, and I can be okay with my body. Now, THAT day is way way way far away, but someday I know I'll get to that point.
I think this is also part of the reason why I can't be with anyone right now. I mean, I could be with someone, but only if they could deal with all my insecurities and I'm not sure I can expect anyone to do that. I can handle a relationship and I can handle the commitment and I can handle whatever someone else throws my way, but for some reason I feel like I shouldn't be in a relationship unless I can be perfect for him. Now, I know I will never be perfect, so I guess what I need to do is accept that. But I think it all comes full circle, because one of my biggest fears is having someone decide they can't be with me because of my flaws. Even though I know everyone has them - I guess I just make myself believe mine are worse than the next persons. Maybe I'm just afraid of rejection. I know how I react to it, it affects my eating because that's where my eating disorder stems from. And I've worked so SO hard in the last 18 months to undo years of starving my body - way too hard to just let it go. Maybe I'm afraid of losing control of my eating. I dont talk about it with anyone because no one gets it. Everyone just assumes an eating disoder is all vanity when it really isn't. I can't even handle rejection when I'm seeing someone casually, or even just rejection from anyone.
I still can't bend my index finger, even after surgery. I shouldn't complain because there are so many people suffering in this world, but I do anyway. That's something else I need to work on.
But then I also have to consider my complete lack of confidence in all areas of my life, which is no doubt contributing at least in part to my confusion right now. My new plan? Double major in history and sociology, which gives me a huuuuge array of career choices once I graduate. I think I'd like to do work with a non-profit organization, maybe event planning or PR work. This doesn't postpone my graduation plans at all, because a soc major is the same number of credits as the ed program would have. Plus, if ten years down the road I realize I do want to be a teacher, it's not like I'd have to start all over to get certified.
I think I underestimate myself a little too much. This pertains to all aspects of my life, but especially to my confidence. Today I bought a pair of shorts at NY&Co that were a size down from what I've been wearing. I don't know why I did this, especially because I left the store without trying them on (this is pretty much setting myself up for disaster because I know full well how I react to clothes not fitting me). I got home and tried them on right away and to my complete and utter shock, they fit me. They were not tight or snug or anything but perfect. Shocking, especially because I have not been in this size since before I went into the hospital last spring. The thing that really gets me is that I have not counted calories in probbaly, ohhhh at least a month. This is HUGE for me. I haven't starved myself in over a month and I haven't thrown up in about two months. I have weighed myself twice since the accident, which is definitely better than four times a day. These are huge accomplishments for me, and the thing that really makes me proud is that I've gone down a whole size without obessing about it. I even bought a shirt in a size small (!!!) and it fits everything but my boobs (of course - but that's okay). I'm not really sure what my point is, but I think I should stop underestimating myself. I can get better, I can be normal, and I can be okay with my body. Now, THAT day is way way way far away, but someday I know I'll get to that point.
I think this is also part of the reason why I can't be with anyone right now. I mean, I could be with someone, but only if they could deal with all my insecurities and I'm not sure I can expect anyone to do that. I can handle a relationship and I can handle the commitment and I can handle whatever someone else throws my way, but for some reason I feel like I shouldn't be in a relationship unless I can be perfect for him. Now, I know I will never be perfect, so I guess what I need to do is accept that. But I think it all comes full circle, because one of my biggest fears is having someone decide they can't be with me because of my flaws. Even though I know everyone has them - I guess I just make myself believe mine are worse than the next persons. Maybe I'm just afraid of rejection. I know how I react to it, it affects my eating because that's where my eating disorder stems from. And I've worked so SO hard in the last 18 months to undo years of starving my body - way too hard to just let it go. Maybe I'm afraid of losing control of my eating. I dont talk about it with anyone because no one gets it. Everyone just assumes an eating disoder is all vanity when it really isn't. I can't even handle rejection when I'm seeing someone casually, or even just rejection from anyone.
I still can't bend my index finger, even after surgery. I shouldn't complain because there are so many people suffering in this world, but I do anyway. That's something else I need to work on.
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