baby why don't you stay

The stupidest things have been getting to me today. Sometimes I have days where I feel so inadequate when it comes to everything. Like...no matter how much effort I put into something, the situation still doesn't change that much. Not that it's all within my control, but still, should I even bother if it goes unnoticed? Or maybe it is noticed and just not acknowledged. Either way, I shouldn't be concerned with it because I don't go out of my way to do the things I do just so I get acknowledged for it...I do it because I want to and because I want to make things better. Sometimes it's just frustrating. And then when I need something in return, or when I'm having a hard time, I have to deal with everything on my own. I don't even know if this makes sense.

I'm not focused on school at all this semester. I'm fine with that too - it's just one semester. I've come to realize that life doesn't come down to the grades I get in school. In 10 years, people wont remember whether I got an A or a B in political science, so why bother stressing myself out over it when there are more important things to worry about? Right now I'm concerned with work because my store is in a tough position and I'm trying to prove my worth there, especially because I could really use a raise. And my personal life is really important to me too right now, which usually has been on the back burner, at least for the past few years. But I want to make that a priority right now, especially because I know I will pass my classes no matter what this semester. I don't care if I pass with a C, B or A as long as I pass. So focusing on my family and on John are more important to me.

Sometimes I worry that it might bother John knowing how important he is in my life especially because its not reciprocal, but I completely understand where he is right now and why he needs to focus all his energy on his job and getting his life together. And I want to be able to help him in whatever way I can, and I know that part of that means that our relationship isn't his focus right now, and it wont be for a while. Strangely enough, I'm ok with that. And I think maybe it's because I feel like I love him for real. It sounds weird when you say it like that, but I get what it means. I've said that I've loved another person before and I don't think I was lying, but I do think it was a different kind of love...not necessarily unmerited love, but just not as real as this. Sometimes I question whether John really does love me even though he says he does, but I think maybe it ties in with how stressful things are for him right now.

It's late and I'm babbling, I guess just trying to de-stress myself about this coming week. Sooo much to do, so little free time. Eww =(