Ahhhhhhh!

Living at home can be so frustrating.

I'm honestly trying to stay out of most things, and ignore the stupid things that go on. Something snapped tonight though, and I couldn't deal with it anymore.

I hate being treated like I do nothing for myself. I work, I go to school, and I spend hours a week doing homework. I pay my bills, I have about $800 in bills each month at LEAST, and I'm paying them off of a measly check that I get for 25 hours of work at $12 an hour. That comes to $1200 a month BEFORE taxes, plus I also have to pay for gas and groceries, clothes, and anything else that comes up. I think I'm doing a good job, and I never ask my parents for money. Don't fucking tell me I don't pay for things on my own.

ARGSHGK. That's my mood right now.

physical exercise involving stretches and breathing that focus on strengthening the abdominal core

I did Pilates today.

I'm willing to bet my abs, butt, and thighs will be killing me tomorrow.

I used to do pilates. I used to be pretty good at it. But I haven't done it in at least two years. Every muscle was well aware of that today.

In a good way, of course.

i just wanna love you

It's Sunday night, my least favorite night of the week. BUT, it is the last Sunday night that I will be dreading work on Monday morning. I suppose this is a good thing. This weekend was pretty low key. J and I relaxed most of the weekend, rented Baby Mama (which I was too tired to stay awake for), went to see The Lucky Ones, slept a lot, and visited with my family. We were going to go to the Durham Fair but the rain held off those plans all weekend. On Saturday I went to see my favorite cousin try on her wedding dress. She looked stunning and I'm sure her wedding will be fabulous.

It's pretty hot in my house right now, which is really unfair considering it's almost October. Why does the weather have to tease us with super awesome fall days, and then go right back to being stinkin humid? Not fair.

I'm too hot to say anything substantial, so I'll just list the things I'm looking forward to:

-Cooler weather (SOON, I hope)
-Changing leaves, one of my favorite things about fall.
-Halloween! I will be more creative this year and dress up as something other than a princess.
-My 21st birthday, finally. And Thanksgiving, since it's the same day this year.
-Family birthday dinner next week for my mom, grandpa, and J.
-Christmas. Even though I wont be able to buy too much, I still love Christmas. I'm determined to make Christmas cookies this year.
-Disney World in 96 days.
-The rest of this semester, minus the work, because I love my classes.
-Getting my hair trimmed, but I'm not sure when.
-HOPEFULLY getting the scar on my arm taken care of over winter break.

And my goal for the week is to eat healthy all day for five days straight. And get ahead on some research this week, since I will have all of Tuesday afternoon to sequester away in the library. We shall see!

I love this picture:

T minus 97 days!

I just realized there are only like, 97 days until Disney World.

Time to make a countdown for the fridge, as is tradition.

life is too short

A really hard part of growing up is accepting that life is not a fairytale. As a child, I couldn't wait to grow up, go to college, get a great job, fall in love like the movies, have a Cinderella wedding, and have 2.6 children. The American Dream right?

Well, college is expensive, good jobs are hard to come by, real love isn't like in the movies, I'll never have the money for a Cinderella wedding, and kids are even more expensive than that.

The hard part is still wanting all of those things. I still want that living-at-college experience, I still want to impact lives and be a teacher. I still wish J and I could have a hollywood romance, and that he told me everyday that I'm his world. I still want a Cinderella wedding, minus the pumpkin of course. I still want 2.6 children, but we'll round to 3 for the last one's sake.

Commuting to school is what I can afford, and I'm still getting a good education. I will find a teaching job somewhere, someday. I love J, and I know he loves me. I'll get married someday, and someday I'll have children.

I shouldn't complain, right?

But I do. I still want my fairytale life, and I feel guilty for not appreciating what I do have. I have a good education that will get me a good job. I have a good man, an honest, hardworking, wonderful man who treats me so good - even when I get crabby and moody, and I love him. I have a good family that loves me and supports me always. I have good friends who are there when I need them.

I think the next thing on my to-do list is going to be to start appreciating what I have, and not taking anything for granted. Life is too short.

can i come home with you?

I quit my job today.

I start my new job on October 6th.

I'm really sad, and excited, and I don't know what else.

I'm going to miss my residents SO much. I will miss my kisses from C every morning and my Red Sox updates from F. And the hilarious things M says: "Where's your head? Oh no, I think I saw it in the microwave..." and "Hey, need a boyfriend? I got one for ya right here!" (while pointing to another resident) and "Well would ya look at THAT rear end!" I will miss G's "Where should I go...can I come home with you?" questions every day.

I will not miss the gossip that goes on there. Or the disorganized chaotic-ness. I will not miss trying to cram 40 hours worth of work into 24 hours. I will not miss dealing with families who want nothing to do with their parents and expect us to be their new "children."

I will definitely miss my old people.

happy birthday momma

J came over for dinner tonight. He wore jeans, which I love, because he looks wicked cute in them.

And I pretty much just love him a lot. A LOOOOTTTT.



How could I not love a face like his? He makes me so happy. Even when I'm moody and he can't tell, he means the world to me.

PS, happy birthday to my momma!

always be my baby

Anyone who knows me will attest to the fact that I Love Babies. So much so, that it requires all capital letters. Really, I love them that much. As long as I can remember, I've felt like someday, my real purpose in life will be being a mother. I just feel like that's what I am meant to do. And I like to think that I will be a good one.

Lately, I can't stand them. It is so freaking frustrating, because I can't really talk about it (literally-- can't, as in I start crying uncontrollably), nor do I really want to because I am the master of pretending like things don't bother me, but AGHDSG I cannot stand it! People know I love babies, so when someone has one, they tell me all about it. Or when someone finds out they are pregnant, they tell me about it. IDONTWANTTOHEARIT, OK? Just for now, can we pretend like I hate babies?

You don't understand why this is hard for me, I get that. I wouldn't expect you to get it. Part of the problem is not having anyone who understands it.

Someday I'll want to hear about them again. And in the meantime, I'll pretend like I still do, because that is who I am. I love babies. Everyone knows that.

september 21

I don't want it to be Monday tomorrow. I really don't like Sunday nights, especially this week because I have two wakes and a funeral to go to this week, plus a big exam on Thursday. Ick.

J and I watched Crash tonight. It was really good, and depressing. Makes you think twice about how you treat people. It reminded me of Mitch Albom's book The 5 People You Meet in Heaven, in the sense that people you don't even know can drastically alter your life.

Yesterday we had dinner at J's sister's house for Nephew#1's birthday, and his mom's birthday too. I love those kids, they're so freakin cute. Today we went to my cousin's for her belated wedding reception, which turned out to be ALL my old aunts and uncles, but it was worth it just to see her, and to make my grandpa happy. I've had a really bad headache all day, most likely because today was Day 1 on my birth control and I always get headaches after not taking them during the off-week. :/

i always turn the car around

I just spent an hour reading an old journal from high school. I was a huge tard.

Here's my day:
+Friday, always a good day.
-Stayed late at work for no reason at all.
-My paycheck is not nearly as glorious as it should be, now that I'm down to 25 hours instead of 40.
+I saw my grandparents today and they make me laugh.
+I saw J, and Milo, and got kisses from both =)
-I have been cold the majority of the day
+My medication for my paralyzed stomach is working and I have not been sick in two weeks.
-I have a lot of homework and have gotten hardly any done.
+It was absolutely BEAUTIFUL today.
-I didn't eat as healthy as I wanted to.
+I didn't get insecure tonight.

I think I read into things too much. Right? Right.

do you catch a breath when i look at you?

After I got out of class today, I drove all around Berlin and Newington looking for a pet store to get flea killers. I ended up buying Advantage Topical Solution at Petco for $78, plus a powder to put on the carpet before vacuuming, and spray to get all his bedding clean. Hopefully this does the trick. The powder can also be used as a dry bath, so my little buddy doesn't have to suffer through cold baths anymore. That alone is worth $100 in my book!

I am loving David Archuletta's new song. Insert teeny-bopper moment here =)

Here are some lovely pictures from NYC!

[gallery]

Annnd I'll leave you with a quote of the day:
"The only limit to our realization of tomorrow will be our doubts of today. Let us move forward with strong and active faith." --Franklin D. Roosevelt

a little bit of this

I am too mentally exhausted to write anything substantial tonight. All I'll say is that today was really sad, and going to my Death and Dying class after eight hours of non-stop sadness, I'm sadnessed out today. So here's a happy survey, yay =)

1. You wake up in the morning. What time is it probably?
On a work/school day - between 6:30 and 7:00. I try to get up around 6:30 but that hardly ever happens.

2. You get yourself some breakfast. What do you make?
Sometimes a bowl of cereal with coffee, sometimes a bagel & peanut butter with coffee. If I'm feeling ambitious, I'll make oatmeal.

3. Someone calls you on the phone. Who do you want it to be?
No one ever calls me early in the morning!

4. You turn on the TV for a bit. What channel do you put it on?
If I watch TV in the morning, it would be the weather or the news. But I rarely, rarely watch TV.

5. You have some time to kill before you leave. What do you do?
Go online and check my email.

6. You go and have a shower. How long does it take you?
In the morning they are quick, I just wash my face and stuff. At night, I alternate one night with washing my hair and the other with shaving. Around 20 minutes though, probably.

7. You decide to get yourself ready for your day. How long does it take?
15 minutes? Not very long. Unless I dont know what I'm going to wear, that takes the longest.

8. You put on some makeup. What do you put on?
Mascara. Sometimes mineral foundation and eyeshadow if I've got time.

9. You’re ready to leave. What do you take out with you?
For work, I just take my purse and lunch. For school I take my backpack, purse, and some snacks.

10. How long does it take you to get to work?
Less than five minutes, walking or driving =)

11. What is the first thing you do when you get to work?
Punch in, check my desk and try to make a schedule for the day, and find out which residents were admitted/discharged/sent to the hospital.

12. Do you take part in office gossip/water cooler talk?
I listen to it, but I generally don't add to it.

13. Anything particularly annoying about each work day?
When I have meetings all the time.

14. What’s the best part of the day?
It's a tie between going home and listening to coversations some of my resident's have with each other. 'Cause they are funny =)

15. Do you usually leave on time or stay late? Take any work home with you?
I leave on time unless I have extra things to do. I don't take work home, because I wouldn't be able to do any of it away from work unless I took my sixty five residents with me.

16. The boss calls to tell you that don’t have to work, and you’re free for a whole day. What do you do?
Stay at home, in pjs, and get ahead on homework. Haha, no, I'd probably watch girly movies all day. Why do homework when I don't have to?

17. With whom would you want to spend the day?
John, but he works and hardly ever has days off.

18. You go to the store to get some snackage, but it turns out you can only buy one thing there. What do you buy?
Dark chocolate or a vitamin water.

19. You’re walking down the street and you find a magic lamp that grants you 3 wishes. What do you wish for?
Neverending supply of money, good health for myself and the people i love, and homes for all the abandoned kitties in the world.

20. You meet a man who says he will give you your dream job, what is it?
Full time mom =) but I wouldn't want that for several years anyway. And it's not like I'll ever be able to do that financially.

21. You can choose any concert of any singer/band in the world; whose do you go to?
Lifehouse, obviously.

22. You get home & there’s a check for $50,000 in the mail for you. On what would you spend it?
I'd put half of it in a savings account and use the other half towards a down payment for a house.

23. You get to bring back anyone from the dead, famous or not. Who would it be?
Heath Ledger, because he had many great movies ahead of him. And my great-grandfather, because he loved the fact that I am named after his mother.

24. You get to interview your favorite celebrity. Who is it, and what would you ask him/her?
Jason Wade, and I'd ask him all sorts of things about the music he writes.

25. You get to see into the future but you can only find out one thing about your future life. What would you want to find out?
If I'm happy at the end.

26. At the end of your perfect day, you go on a perfect date; describe it.
Well it's a surprise, because I love surprises. All of it would be a surprise, that's what would make it so perfect.

And...this makes me smile:

life and living

I got news tonight that my "big" boss, the owner of the company I work for, was found dead late this afternoon. I was shocked, and even though I didn't know him that well, I do know his wife and son well, and I was really sad to hear that he'd died. For his family, for his friends, for my company. There is no death that is not tragic.

You would think that working at a nursing home, and seeing death every single day would make me a little immune to it. You would think that my heart wouldn't sink each time I hear "So-and-so died last night." It doesn't work that way. It's also ironic that I'm taking Death and Dying this semester, and I've already had two people I know die in the two weeks that I've taken the course. I am in the process of researching grief, and I've sent interview questions to my good friend K about her own experience with death. I feel like death is all around me right now - at work, in school...it's as if I have to ask myself, "who is going to die next?"

In my class, my professor stresses the fact that we are not guaranteed tomorrow. And it's already changed my perspective, because I find myself being more careful with the words I choose to use and the situations that I choose to get upset over. I have had a lot of brushes with death in the last 3 years. I've had good friends lose parents and siblings. I've had aunts and uncles die. I've had two classmates die just in the last three months...not close classmates, but people that I knew and went to school with.

I guess Ben Folds was write, everybody knows it sucks to grow up. Life gets so much more complicated. Sure, there are bills to pay and classes to pass and work to get done...there are also relationships to maintain, crises that occur without warning, and people who die. I'm working a real job where people depend on me, trying to get through my last year of undergrad, trying my best to be a good girlfriend, daughter, sister, and friend, trying to maintain all of those relationships as best I can, trying to pay my bills, trying to stay on top of my health, and trying to make sense out of the horrible things that happen in this world.

What justifies a natural disaster that wipes out entire towns? What justifies putting an elderly woman into a nursing home, an institution, for the rest of her life? What justifies losing a child you didn't want to lose? What justifies someone dying? What justifies anything bad? There are days when I get home and I wonder what the point of all this is. Really, what's the point? Why am I here, why are you here?

And then I realize that the good things, the beautiful things in life are why we are here. We are here for love, compassion, goodness, and generosity. When someone dies, people band together and support each other in the grief. People find resilience and strength where they didn't think it existed. I have amazing, beautiful, strong people in my life. When I see my parents look at each other like they are still newlyweds, I realize what the point is. When I see J crack a genuine smile, I realize what the point is. When I see someone go out of their way to help someone, I realize what the point is. When I see the innocence in children, I realize what the point is.

I wish with my whole heart that bad things did not have to happen. I wish the world was full of peace, that people did not die, that natural disasters just did not happen. But without the grief, pain, and suffering, how would we truly appreciate love, happiness, and joy? Without struggle, how could we know what true peace is? It doesn't make losing someone any easier. It doesn't make a tragedy and less devastating. But I do find hope in the fact that love and compassion do still exist in this world. I find hope in the amazing people I have by my side. I find hope, period.

Poor Milo =(

I emailed M last night to find out about how to deal with kitty fleas. Apparently, it might take 3-4 months to get rid of them all. J said he is finding flea eggs everywhere, which is a bad sign. I feel so bad for Milo, the poor thing is so itchy and he's getting scabs now. My cats never had fleas, and never went outside, but neither does Milo. We've given him about four flea baths, which he hates, but it does help get them off him. It's only temporary, since there are so many eggs everywhere that they reattach to him as soon as they come off. My poor baby :( I wish I could just zap them away so he could stop being itchy.



It's just not fair that a kitty so cute has to be itchy!

NYC recap!

Home from the city! It was such a great time, Alynda and Kirby are the NICEST people ever and I am very sad that we live so far away from each other. Seriously, why are all of my friends at least an hour away? It makes me feel very anti-social.

Anyway, J and I got to Union Station in Hartford around 6:30 in the morning, and stuffed 16 dollar bills into a box in the parking lot that was supposedly going to pay for us to park there all day. Very sketchy, we were wondering all day if the car would actually be there when we got back! We met A in the station, got our coffee and slept for two hours on the train ride. We got to NYC around 10, and walked around Penn Station for a while trying to find a bathroom because we were both freaked out by the one on the train. We got outside and went to Macy's to meet Alynda and Kirby. They were running a little late, so we went through Macy's for a while and found hundreds of ties in one room - seriously, in every color and texture. What would guys need that many ties for?!

Around 10:30 we met them at Macy's, and from there we walked (a lot) and nearly got sprayed at by a sidewalk-washer, saw lots (LOTS) of pigeons, bargain-shopped in souvenir stores and talked about all of our pets, toured each floor of the World of Disney, and searched for lunch that wouldn't cost $20 for a sandwich. Which ended up with us eating at McDonald's and it STILL cost us like twice what it would have at home. J felt better after eating and perked up, poor thing was dragged through stores all morning and half the afternoon, but he's a trooper and told me on the way home that it was quite as horrible as he thought it would be. (But was sure to still make it clear that a day of shopping in NYC wasn't his idea of a great day, haha). We did some more shopping, and had to leave Aly and Kirby outside of a shop on Broadway, so we took lots of pictures and said goodbye until the next roadtrip.

When they had to leave, Kirby generously dontated her map of NYC to ensure we wouldn't get lost. Sure enough, A and I screwed up reading the map about 56 times, so J was appointed the job of Official Map Reader. We started to walk toward the Natural Museum of History, and stopped along the way at a Starbucks to make a game plan and to recharge with some coffee and Amanda's super cool smoothie. When we finally got to the museum, we made it through one exhibit of North American Mammals and then spent an hour in the gift shop looking at globes and reading books about NYC. From there, we stopped to get dinner at Uno's and then headed to the subway to get back to Penn Station. We just barely missed the rain, it started coming down right as we got to the station. We were an hour early, so we hit up some sketchy souvenir shops and Amanda and I got ice cream. Right before we boarded the train I decided to go to the bathroom because I knew that ten minutes into the ride home I'd have to go, and inside the bathroom at the train station there were signs everywhere saying "please do not bathe in the sinks" and "please do not engage in sex inside the bathroom stalls." That thoroughly creeped me out so I booked it out of there and waited for the train.

We got home around 11, and luckily our car was still in the lot across from Union Station. A and I said goodbye, which was sad because we dont have another adventure planned right now. I'm sure one will come up though, and if not we will create one for over Christmas break!

I was so exhausted this morning though, and felt like I had 100 bricks on top of me this morning (or afternoon, I should say, since J and I rolled out of bed around 1pm) and it literally hurt to move for about an hour. We kept it low key today, all we did was lay around, watch tv, and play with Milo, who STILL has fleas! Next weekend's goal: to get rid of them for good!

I will post pictures soon!

new york, new york

Off to NYC tomorrow! Really excited, to see the girls and just go to the city in general. Hopefully we beat the rain, but I'm sure it will be fun either way. Here's to hoping I don't spend too much at World of Disney =)

hello goodbye

I have a new home!

http://emiliemarie.wordpress.com

9/11

I find it sort of strange, that every year people seem to go on like normal on 9/11. Especially here in the north, where we could see the smoke in parts of Connecticut, where our hospitals prepared for victims of the attacks, where it literally hit closer to home. All we do is a measly moment of silence, and that is supposed to sufficiently commemorate and remember the attacks?

My mom's best friend, her boyfriend was a firefighter in NYC in 2001. He is the only surviving member of his company. I wonder how he feels when he drives down the street and sees that most flags are not at half-mast, or when he sees that there are no vigils, no ceremonies, nothing. Maybe most people did feel that sting every time they wrote the date today, like I did, but no one acts like it.

I know that in fifty years, this wont be as big of a deal as it should be right now. But we are still at war with the country that did this to us - and we all act like today isn't a significant date. My family members are still over in the Middle East risking their lives to defend this country. Whatever your stance on the war - the troops should be supported no matter what. The troops don't say "Well, I don't really support this war so I'm going to sit this tour out." I'm posting the link to my brothers tribute video for 9/11, because I feel like I should do something to remember the victims and families and businesses and churches and schools and strangers who were affected by 9/11, and the troops who are overseas fighting for our country right now.

9/11 Tribute

new home

I've found a new home. This site is way easier to navigate and use and whatnot. So yay!

I am getting very excited about NYC on Saturday. I've never been, and have heard so many great stories from people who have been. So much happens there; it seems spontaneous, exciting, and foreign. I think it's so strange that I can consider a city that is two hours from my house foreign! It's definitely a completely different world than my middle-class small suburban town.

We are planning on going to World of Disney (of course...I've been bugging J to go with me for the last year), Times Square, Rockafellar Center, and Central Park. I really don't know how much you can do in just a day trip, but we'll find out. I can't wait to see A again, we haven't hung out since March. And we will be meeting the oh-so-kind Aly and witty Kirby! Especially exciting, for sure. It will definitely be worth the 7am train ride!

And this is why I am more and more disappointed with Americans each and every day:



Someone keyed J's Mustang in the middle of the night on Monday. Most likely, he says, they were after his rims and got pissed when they couldn't get the lock off. Really, what benefit do you get from keying this car? You still end up with nothing!

inspiration

I've decided to start writing again. It helps me, I think, to have someone (or something, I suppose, in the case of a blog) to just be able to say things to, without any criticism, or opinions, or advice. That kind of implies that I've got only negative things to say, which isn't true, but I also kind of like the idea of 5, 10, 15 years from now, being able to go back and see what my life was like right now.

Speaking of the future, lately I've been wondering what my life will be like 5, 10, 15 years from now. Not for any specific reason...but it seems like so many things are changing right now. Politically, who knows where we will be in even a year's time, maybe in ten years I will be living in Canada. I'm almost done with school (almost meaning 1 year of undergrad and 1 year of grad school away) and it gets me to thinking about my future...what am I going to do, where will I work, where will I live, who will I live with?

I really think, that in 15 years, I'll look back and wish I could return to where I am right now. What can I complain about? I make decent money, I live rent free, I am learning, I am young, and I am in love with a really good, honest person. I know that I've struggled a little lately with some things that have gone on in my personal life, which is part of why I stopped writing, but really - all of that yucky stuff aside, I am really lucky to be me right now.

If I look back even just 2 years and compare who I am now to who I was then...I am immensely proud of what I've done in those two years. I've learned a lot about myself, who I am, and what I want. I've taken control of my health, I've fallen in love, I've decided on a career path, and I've purchased my very own brand new car.

What I need the most right now, is to slow down and really look at what is important. I am so quick to react to things without really letting them sink in. I tend have a one-track-mind when something is thrown at me, and I want to be able to look at things in a broader light.