life and living

I got news tonight that my "big" boss, the owner of the company I work for, was found dead late this afternoon. I was shocked, and even though I didn't know him that well, I do know his wife and son well, and I was really sad to hear that he'd died. For his family, for his friends, for my company. There is no death that is not tragic.

You would think that working at a nursing home, and seeing death every single day would make me a little immune to it. You would think that my heart wouldn't sink each time I hear "So-and-so died last night." It doesn't work that way. It's also ironic that I'm taking Death and Dying this semester, and I've already had two people I know die in the two weeks that I've taken the course. I am in the process of researching grief, and I've sent interview questions to my good friend K about her own experience with death. I feel like death is all around me right now - at work, in school...it's as if I have to ask myself, "who is going to die next?"

In my class, my professor stresses the fact that we are not guaranteed tomorrow. And it's already changed my perspective, because I find myself being more careful with the words I choose to use and the situations that I choose to get upset over. I have had a lot of brushes with death in the last 3 years. I've had good friends lose parents and siblings. I've had aunts and uncles die. I've had two classmates die just in the last three months...not close classmates, but people that I knew and went to school with.

I guess Ben Folds was write, everybody knows it sucks to grow up. Life gets so much more complicated. Sure, there are bills to pay and classes to pass and work to get done...there are also relationships to maintain, crises that occur without warning, and people who die. I'm working a real job where people depend on me, trying to get through my last year of undergrad, trying my best to be a good girlfriend, daughter, sister, and friend, trying to maintain all of those relationships as best I can, trying to pay my bills, trying to stay on top of my health, and trying to make sense out of the horrible things that happen in this world.

What justifies a natural disaster that wipes out entire towns? What justifies putting an elderly woman into a nursing home, an institution, for the rest of her life? What justifies losing a child you didn't want to lose? What justifies someone dying? What justifies anything bad? There are days when I get home and I wonder what the point of all this is. Really, what's the point? Why am I here, why are you here?

And then I realize that the good things, the beautiful things in life are why we are here. We are here for love, compassion, goodness, and generosity. When someone dies, people band together and support each other in the grief. People find resilience and strength where they didn't think it existed. I have amazing, beautiful, strong people in my life. When I see my parents look at each other like they are still newlyweds, I realize what the point is. When I see J crack a genuine smile, I realize what the point is. When I see someone go out of their way to help someone, I realize what the point is. When I see the innocence in children, I realize what the point is.

I wish with my whole heart that bad things did not have to happen. I wish the world was full of peace, that people did not die, that natural disasters just did not happen. But without the grief, pain, and suffering, how would we truly appreciate love, happiness, and joy? Without struggle, how could we know what true peace is? It doesn't make losing someone any easier. It doesn't make a tragedy and less devastating. But I do find hope in the fact that love and compassion do still exist in this world. I find hope in the amazing people I have by my side. I find hope, period.