Only kindness matters

There was a story in the news this week about a man who committed suicide and published a seven page suicide note on the Internet explaining why he took his own life. He was from my area, and actually went to school with John. It has made national headlines because he was a grad student at Princeton, but it has shaken up quite a few people locally who knew him, his family, or bits and pieces of information surrounding the story.

I read the article, the suicide note and the comments that were posted beneath the article. It's been on my mind all day - I've never read a suicide note before, nor do I personally know anyone who has taken their own life. If you take a few minutes to read the article and/or his note, you'll see that he was raped as a young child, but never received help for what he went through. His parents are Christian Fundamentalists that kicked him out of their home when he was 19 years old because he did not follow their beliefs. [Side note: His parents actually belong to the same church that a family very close to me belongs to. I do not agree with the church, and I have had my own opinions that this church is very much like an occult ever since meeting This Family, and this story 150% confirms those opinions]. The suicide note and some of the comments under the article imply that the church is partially responsible for the suicide - particularly the pastor of the church and the children's minister (who is also the principal of the school that this man attended as a young child). I am not saying that either of these men are responsible for the child molestation that led to this suicide, but I do not think it is out of the realm of possibility. I also think that the brainwashing that goes on in this church is responsible for the parent's disowning their son because his beliefs did not agree with theirs.

I thought that a church was supposed to be a safe haven, a place you can go to for love and forgiveness. I do not believe church should be places where you are judged, condemned, and made to feel worthless. I believe that "Christians" can be some of the most hateful and judgmental people on this earth. It makes me so sad that this man was exposed to such a cult-like group and was not able to lean on his family or his church for support during his difficult times. It makes me so angry that this church is trying to put this in the past so quickly. This Family I know attended church this past Wednesday night, and the pastor brought up this suicide towards the end of the service. He explained to his congregation that this event has brought the church a bad image and it would be best to put it in the past. If that does not scream "guilty" then I don't know what does. What does it teach other children and young adults that belong to this church? Does it teach them that the church will be there to support them in their time of need, or does it teach them that the church will only be there if it does not create a poor image of the church? I asked the mom in This Family how she would feel if this were her son, and she said it would make her want to leave the church. Okay. But how is this any different? It may not be her son that committed suicide this time, but what about next time? Is it really safe to continue to be a member of this church and expose her children to this kind of hatred and judgment? Is it right to expose them to an institution that tells that life is black and white with no room for gray? I believe we should treat other people with kindness, compassion, and understanding. I believe parents need to be responsible and take care of their children. In this case, the parents of this man did not do what they should have after their son was raped as a young child, all because of this church.

It's hard for me to articulate everything I want to say about this issue. Knowing This Family attends the same church is difficult because I've long suspected something was not right with this church. Reading the suicide note has confirmed my beliefs and it makes me sad and scared at the same time that This Family will most likely continue to go to this church and fall into the brainwashed trap that is being laid out for them. I know everyone has freedom of religion, but at what point do we say "this has gone too far?"

making an effort.

I am tired, my eyes feel heavy, and all I want to do is curl up on the couch with a bowl of ice cream and watch TV. (Maybe not the TV part. There is a hockey game on tonight so that's what will be on our TV. Hockey on TV = boring!)

Instead, I am going to get my butt into my gym clothes and head out into the freezing cold air and drag myself into the gym.

I've done awesome this week as far as eating goes. I've been to the gym twice. I made it a goal to go at least four times a week. It's going to snow tomorrow night. If I have any chance at meeting my goal, I have to go tonight and Saturday.

Soooo, to the gym I go.



Post Edit: Really glad I went!

Ever, Ever After

There are so many aspects of our upcoming wedding that are important to me. Photography, videography, the ceremony, invitations, programs, etc. Just about the only thing that I completely left in John's hands was the cake. I am not a huge fan of cake - it all tastes the same to me. Picking out our cake was something John could actually get excited about because he was able to taste all the different cake flavors and their prospective fillings. He chose marble cake with amaretto filling for our bottom tier (the bigger one) and almond cake with raspberry filling for our top tier. Moving on...

Music is really important to me in my non-wedding planning life. My mom always had the radio on or a CD playing when I was growing up. One of my favorite childhood memories is of the day my mom was standing on the kitchen table singing into a wooden soup ladle when the neighbors spotted her - and stopped dead in their tracks. She brought me to my first concert when I was five years old and that is when my love for live music was born. I love all different genres of music, but my heart belongs to Country music. It has been really difficult for me to choose various songs for different parts of our day - I could leave most of them up to the DJ but it makes me really sad that he could potentially pick songs that mean nothing to me. That's the biggest thing - songs have so much meaning to me. I don't want my wedding to be generic wedding songs, but at the same time I don't want to play songs that are so obscure my guests don't recognize them. I need to choose songs for:

Prelude - I'm thinking I will let the organist play a compilation of Disney songs. This is the easy route, otherwise I need to come up with a few songs to play, but I won't actually be around to hear any of them so does it really matter?
Parent/Grandparent Processional - I'm leaving this decision in my mom's hands. She has a couple songs picked out, but as long as she is happy then I am happy.
Groom/Groomsmen Processional - I'm leaning towards Yellowcard's Three Flights Up. I feel funny using modern songs with words during the ceremony so I've been hunting for instrumental-only versions of songs that mean something to us, but I haven't had much luck. I found this about a year ago and fell in love.
Bridesmaid Processional - I'm 95% sure that we're going to use the Vitamin String Quartet version of Taylor Swift's Love Story. It's fun and playful, it's an instrumental version of a song I love, and I get teary when I listen to it. Good sign, right?
Bride's Processional - Canon in D Major on the organ. I don't want any traditional "here comes the bride" music - but at the same time I want something that really screams "here comes the bride!" Does that make sense??
Unity Candle - For The Beauty of the Earth on the organ. This song is in my favorite movie of all time, Little Women. It's during the scene where Meg gets married and I've loved it since I was a little girl. It sticks with my theme of non-word songs during the ceremony and I just think it's beautiful.
Recessional - here is where I have some fun! I want an upbeat, happy song to leave the chapel as husband and wife. I thought about using Welcome by Phil Collins (it's in the Disney movie Brother Bear). I thought about using What I Like About You by The Romantics, Beautiful Day by Lee DeWyze, Forever by Chris Brown, This Will Be an Everlasting Love by Natalie Cole, and so many others. But, I was watching a commercial for the Disney movie Enchanted over the weekend and was inspired by Carrie Underwood's Ever Ever After. It is perfect because our theme is Happily Ever After! I don't care how cheesy it is, I love it.

Moving onto the reception...
Entrance into reception - I'm thinking about Michael Franti's Say Hey I Love You. It's fun and upbeat and the lyrics are pretty cute. Also in the running are Beautiful Day and Forever, leftover from the Recessional slot. Any other ideas??
First Dance - AHHHH! I can't find one to save my life. We were going to use Lifehouse. We both love them. I thought about You Can Shake the Mountains, but I am having some doubts. John wants You and Me, but I think that is such an overplayed song that I'd feel like a teenybopper using it. Everything is too long. I like this one song that came out on Country radio last spring - Whatever It Is by Zac Brown Band. I really love it. When I first heard it I immediately thought it would be a great first dance song. John is okay with it and prefers it over some of my more girly suggestions. My problem here is that I want us both to LOVE the song we pick. Help??
Cake Cutting - Sugar Sugar by the Archies. Done deal! From another favorite movie of mine, Now and Then, and I think it's is perfect for the amount of sugar we will be ingesting ;)
The Father/Daughter song is in my dad's hands, and Mother/Son is in John's mom's hands. I'm working on finding a song for our last dance and I've been toying with Taylor Swift's Today Was a Fairytale just because, well, I'm hoping that the day IS a fairytale!

I know some of them probably seem cheesy, but I'm also kind of a cheesy person. I cry during ASPCA & Disney commercials and I love chic lit. Some of my favorite music is either inappropriate for the ceremony or too country for John. I'd love any suggestions I can get!

2011

I am getting married this year!!!

Okay, now that we've gotten that out of the way...

Hello 2011, where did you come from? 2010 flew by so fast. I say that every year but this year it really flew by. When we got engaged in the summer of 2009 so many people told us that our engagement would go by very quickly and I remember thinking "yeah, right." It's amazing how right they were. I was going to do a re-cap of 2010, but I didn't really blog enough during the year. Instead, I think I'll post my resolutions for 2011. Maybe putting them out there will help me stick to them??

1. Focus on my health. This has always been a resolution of mine and it's gotten me in trouble before. I am not overweight but I am at the top of my healthy weight range and I'd like to be more in the middle...so part of this goal is to lose between 10 and 15 pounds. I struggled with an eating disorder for several years during high school and college and even though I no longer severely restrict my calorie intake or throw up everything I do eat, it's really difficult for me to "go on a diet." When I was hospitalized in 2006 I gained a lot of weight and I have not been able to lose it in a healthy way since then. Part of the reason is due to the eating disorder... I have several problems with my digestive system as a result of all the purging. Erosions in my esophagus and stomach make it really difficult to eat certain foods. I have gastroparesis - my stomach muscles don't work to push food out the way they should, so food sits in my stomach a lot longer than it's supposed to. I've also developed lactose intolerance and soy intolerance. And obviously there are still the emotional reasons to deal with - restricting my food intake is really difficult because it's very easy for me to go back to counting every single calorie, which leads to restricting them even more, which leads to behaviors that I worked so hard to avoid. I can't just see food as something that I consume to give me energy, it is so much more than that to me. It symbolizes every failure, every mistake, every wrong decision. It is something to control. In all reality, it controls me and that it why I have to work so hard to be aware of my behaviors when I "diet." My goal for 2011 is to make healthy choices, to see food as something to fuel my beautiful life, to respect my body, to move my body, to cook more dinners at home, and to continue to work on keeping those dangerous ED behaviors at bay.

2. Be more open minded. I am very stubborn. I see things in black and white - either something is good or it is bad. There's no middle ground. I really want to try to see the gray in life. There have been so many times where someone says something and I have an immediate reaction without really thinking about the situation. I want to learn to see things from other perspectives.

3. Keep my house cleaner. My lack of organization around the house drives John up a wall. I leave dirty clothes in a pile in the bathroom or bedroom when I should just throw them in the laundry basket. I leave mail and wedding papers all over the dining room. Empty glasses on the coffee table. Pieces of paper and wrappers on the sofa. Clean laundry sits in the basket it was folded in. It drives him crazy - me, not so much. I'm not sure if I am just absentminded or lazy, but I want to try to keep things neater for him. I think it will be easier when we own a house and everything has it's own place but for now we have to make do with what we've got.

4. Blog more. I slacked on blogging this year. Big time. My goal is 10 posts each month, except for May since we'll be away for almost 2 weeks. I don't care what I write about, I just want to chronicle my life. This year is a huge year for us and I really want to remember the little things.