It seems like my life lately is consumed with counting down the days until classes end.
John and I bought rollerblades this weekend and now he's attempting to teach me how to use them. I actually skated a little bit on my own, which I wasn't expecting. I feel like I'll never get the hang of it, but I did have fun. I think once I figure out stopping and turning I'll be ok, but I'm too afraid of falling, lol.
I need to wash my hair and go to bed, I've been so tired lately. I had a really bad headache earlier today and slept it off while John watched a movie, and I've gotten really tired on and off all day. I realized at dinner that I'm going to miss my brother so much when he goes away to school in August. It's going to be so quiet and lonely at home. OH and I cannot believe gas prices over the last week! We're almost at $4 a gallon, which is completely ridiculous.
It's Sunday night :( Weekends go by too quickly.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Thursday, April 17, 2008
bouncy
Home from Disney! It was an exhausting trip because we did. not. stop. moving. for. three. days.
I was under the impression that it would be a relaxing trip since I was going with my grandmother who doesn't move around all that well - but good Lord did she find energy from somewhere! We didn't stop for the entire vacation. And trucking around parks crowded with thousands of people for three days during peak season is not my idea of a fun time. Don't get me wrong, I did have fun but I just much prefer going in January when the crowds are at a bare minimum. We had a great time and maybe I'll post pictures in a couple days.
I'm glad to be home with my babies and I am LOVING the weather here! 80 degrees, sunny, no humidity - absolutely perfect. I only have like three weeks left of classes and then I'm done for three months which is the best news ever. And my boss' mom is talking about making me the director of the theraputic recreation department - which is what I eventually want to get into for a career, so that is exciting.
I'm in such a good mood today, it must be this weather!
I was under the impression that it would be a relaxing trip since I was going with my grandmother who doesn't move around all that well - but good Lord did she find energy from somewhere! We didn't stop for the entire vacation. And trucking around parks crowded with thousands of people for three days during peak season is not my idea of a fun time. Don't get me wrong, I did have fun but I just much prefer going in January when the crowds are at a bare minimum. We had a great time and maybe I'll post pictures in a couple days.
I'm glad to be home with my babies and I am LOVING the weather here! 80 degrees, sunny, no humidity - absolutely perfect. I only have like three weeks left of classes and then I'm done for three months which is the best news ever. And my boss' mom is talking about making me the director of the theraputic recreation department - which is what I eventually want to get into for a career, so that is exciting.
I'm in such a good mood today, it must be this weather!
Thursday, April 10, 2008
memory lane
I just was reading through old journals I had when I was really sick. I wrote all the time then, it kind of got my mind off of being sick even though all I ever wrote about was being sick - if that makes sense.
Sometimes I forget just how bad it was. How close I came to actually dying, how miserably low I felt all the time, how physically exhausted I was, how lonely I was. I mean, my life has completely turned around. COMPLETELY. I've gone from starving myself five days in a row, throwing up so much that I almost tore a hole in my throat, burning thousands of calories a day at the gym, causing so much damage to my heart and spending two months in a hospital...to being for the most part, really healthy - physically and emotionally. I still have a lot of damage in my throat and I still bleed sometimes and I still get heart palpitations, but those things are never going to go away. I still feel bad about how I look and I still criticize myself every day. I still wish I was thinner and feel insecure eating in front of people - but I can deal with it now.
I can manage my fears and my resentment and I know when to ask for help. I never thought I'd be able to say that I haven't thrown up in six months, but now I can. SIX MONTHS. I used to throw up over six times a day, and I haven't done it in SIX MONTHS. That's amazing to me, and I'm so proud of myself. I havent purposely starved myself in four months. I haven't purposely overdone it at the gym in four months. I haven't counted calories in two months. I realize now that I need to stay on my medication...it really helps me stay focused in all this. And I think it's worth it, to be able to feel somewhat normal is just a really, really good thing.
I know I'll never be completley over it. I'll always have the physical affects - the tear in my throat and the heart issues - but they're manageable and wont affect me that much. I'll always have an eating disorder because I've accepted the fact that I'll always have to work at staying "sober" from it, just like any other addictive disease, but I can be in control of it. I've learned to trust people again and to love who I am because it's who I am that matters, not what I look like.
I don't know where all of this is coming from, apparently reliving the my my life of the last two years made me realize just how far I've really come. And I'm really proud of myself, what I've done, and who I am right now. I don't really tell people about this part of my life because I don't want it to define me anymore, but it's always going to be a part of me. Just not all of me.
Sometimes I forget just how bad it was. How close I came to actually dying, how miserably low I felt all the time, how physically exhausted I was, how lonely I was. I mean, my life has completely turned around. COMPLETELY. I've gone from starving myself five days in a row, throwing up so much that I almost tore a hole in my throat, burning thousands of calories a day at the gym, causing so much damage to my heart and spending two months in a hospital...to being for the most part, really healthy - physically and emotionally. I still have a lot of damage in my throat and I still bleed sometimes and I still get heart palpitations, but those things are never going to go away. I still feel bad about how I look and I still criticize myself every day. I still wish I was thinner and feel insecure eating in front of people - but I can deal with it now.
I can manage my fears and my resentment and I know when to ask for help. I never thought I'd be able to say that I haven't thrown up in six months, but now I can. SIX MONTHS. I used to throw up over six times a day, and I haven't done it in SIX MONTHS. That's amazing to me, and I'm so proud of myself. I havent purposely starved myself in four months. I haven't purposely overdone it at the gym in four months. I haven't counted calories in two months. I realize now that I need to stay on my medication...it really helps me stay focused in all this. And I think it's worth it, to be able to feel somewhat normal is just a really, really good thing.
I know I'll never be completley over it. I'll always have the physical affects - the tear in my throat and the heart issues - but they're manageable and wont affect me that much. I'll always have an eating disorder because I've accepted the fact that I'll always have to work at staying "sober" from it, just like any other addictive disease, but I can be in control of it. I've learned to trust people again and to love who I am because it's who I am that matters, not what I look like.
I don't know where all of this is coming from, apparently reliving the my my life of the last two years made me realize just how far I've really come. And I'm really proud of myself, what I've done, and who I am right now. I don't really tell people about this part of my life because I don't want it to define me anymore, but it's always going to be a part of me. Just not all of me.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
hero or not i'm still taking my shot
Today I was walking Cooper and he's very curious and has to check out everything we walk by. We crossed Spring St and came to a yellow house where two kids playing in the front yard. I didn't think anything of it because I walk by people all the time with Cooper and for the most part, it's never an issue. BUT, these kids have to be different. The older girl, who had to be at least ten years old, came straight over to Cooper and started petting him.
And then he jumped on her.
When I was a kid my mom drilled into my head that you don't ever go near a strange animal because it might rip your head off and chew it to pieces. Yes, my mom was a little TOO protective of us. I was never allowed to watch Beavis & Butthead or Ren & Stimpy and MTV was off-limits when Mom was close enough to hear what I had on the TV. I always had to wear a coat to school even in June and was never allowed to buy school lunches because - what if there was a band-aid or contagious disease mixed into the vegetables??
So anyway, when I was a kid, I had this ridiculous fear of every dog I ever saw. My grandma's neighbor had a GIANT dog (picture Beethoven when he stopped being the cute furry puppy and turned into a huge slobbering mess) named Fritzi that I was terrified of. Of course, whenever we were over her house the dog would be out in his yard and I would hide behind my mom because I was afraid that he would rip my head off and chew it to pieces.
So, fast forward a few years, and all of my cousins are at Grandma's and we're all playing out on the swingset. Out of nowhere Fritzi comes running down the hill separating my grandma's yard from Fritzi's yard...and everyone is all excited because they were normal and not afraid of the dog. I, on the other hand, freaked out and started screaming for my mom and ran away from the dog. The dog, being a normal dog, started running after me because well, that's what dogs do. I circled around a big oak tree in the yard, trying to outrun the dog who had a good forty pounds on me. My mom eventually heard my cries of bloody murder and came out and rescued me from Frizti, but I will forever be embarassed that I was so terrified of a goofball dog when I was eight years old.
I'm leaving for Disney in three days and a.) am terrified of getting on a plane and b.) will miss Cooper like crazy and c.) have to find my phone charger before I leave or else I'm fucked.
And then he jumped on her.
When I was a kid my mom drilled into my head that you don't ever go near a strange animal because it might rip your head off and chew it to pieces. Yes, my mom was a little TOO protective of us. I was never allowed to watch Beavis & Butthead or Ren & Stimpy and MTV was off-limits when Mom was close enough to hear what I had on the TV. I always had to wear a coat to school even in June and was never allowed to buy school lunches because - what if there was a band-aid or contagious disease mixed into the vegetables??
So anyway, when I was a kid, I had this ridiculous fear of every dog I ever saw. My grandma's neighbor had a GIANT dog (picture Beethoven when he stopped being the cute furry puppy and turned into a huge slobbering mess) named Fritzi that I was terrified of. Of course, whenever we were over her house the dog would be out in his yard and I would hide behind my mom because I was afraid that he would rip my head off and chew it to pieces.
So, fast forward a few years, and all of my cousins are at Grandma's and we're all playing out on the swingset. Out of nowhere Fritzi comes running down the hill separating my grandma's yard from Fritzi's yard...and everyone is all excited because they were normal and not afraid of the dog. I, on the other hand, freaked out and started screaming for my mom and ran away from the dog. The dog, being a normal dog, started running after me because well, that's what dogs do. I circled around a big oak tree in the yard, trying to outrun the dog who had a good forty pounds on me. My mom eventually heard my cries of bloody murder and came out and rescued me from Frizti, but I will forever be embarassed that I was so terrified of a goofball dog when I was eight years old.
I'm leaving for Disney in three days and a.) am terrified of getting on a plane and b.) will miss Cooper like crazy and c.) have to find my phone charger before I leave or else I'm fucked.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
i'm losing myself just to find a place in your mind
Today has been such a weird day. Lately I've wanted nothing to do with school, which completely makes sense in my head. I've been going to school since I was four and I've pretty much just had it. I'm so sick of it. I just want to be working full time. Thank GOD I have only three semesters left, but it feels like an eternity. I hate school. I have to convince myself everyday to not skip any classes, and lately I haven't been winning those battles. But you know, I'm not going to stress about it because it's not the end of the world.
I had a mental breakdown on John tonight. I feel so bad when I do this to him, because I am fully aware of how insane I seem. Most of the time, I'm pretty level-headed and reasonable, unlike most girls my age. But I just have these moments sometimes when I feel like I'm really dumb and stupid and a pain in the butt to everyone around me. Normal, right? I think so, I'm pretty sure most people have these days. But still, I get so mad at myself when I let it affect people around me. I was fine all day and then out of nowhere I just started feeling ridiculous, which makes me so mad. I obviously can't help the way I feel but I can't stand when it affects other people because usually I'm so careful about not letting my mood affect other people. I went nuts tonight venting to John about everything that annoys me - seriously, everything. And that just makes me feel bad about myself because I should be thankful for all that I have, not angry because stupid things bother me. And I feel lazy and stupid because I could be so much smarter and so much more organized and so much more put together. I could be so many things that I'm not and most days, I'm fine with that. Most days I like who I am. Tonight though, man, I have no idea why I started feeling like such a piece of crap. It's nights like these that make me appreciate him even more. I can't really explain how he does it, but somehow he calms me down and helps me realize that things really are OK. He just knows exactly what to say to make me feel better and I'm just constantly grateful that he's a part of my life. And I feel so so so lucky to have him.
I am freezing and have been almost all day. It's driving me crazy, I absolutely hate being so cold. I think I'm going to go take a super hot shower and go to bed because I have another headache and I'm still as nauseaus as I was when I got up this morning. I have had the weirdest appetite lately, but I think it has more to do with the fact that I just dont want to cook anything. I swear, if I didnt have to take this medicine I'm on I wouldn't, because it makes me have no desire to eat. Which, considering my lack-of-eating history, is not good, even though the whole point of the medicine is to make me NOT think about what I'm eating. I guess its doing its job because I dont really care what I eat...so I dont know why I'm complaining. Maybe if I didn't have to go get fuckin anorexic when I was 16 I wouldn't always be so cold and/or obsessive about what I eat. I think I just need to go to bed.
I had a mental breakdown on John tonight. I feel so bad when I do this to him, because I am fully aware of how insane I seem. Most of the time, I'm pretty level-headed and reasonable, unlike most girls my age. But I just have these moments sometimes when I feel like I'm really dumb and stupid and a pain in the butt to everyone around me. Normal, right? I think so, I'm pretty sure most people have these days. But still, I get so mad at myself when I let it affect people around me. I was fine all day and then out of nowhere I just started feeling ridiculous, which makes me so mad. I obviously can't help the way I feel but I can't stand when it affects other people because usually I'm so careful about not letting my mood affect other people. I went nuts tonight venting to John about everything that annoys me - seriously, everything. And that just makes me feel bad about myself because I should be thankful for all that I have, not angry because stupid things bother me. And I feel lazy and stupid because I could be so much smarter and so much more organized and so much more put together. I could be so many things that I'm not and most days, I'm fine with that. Most days I like who I am. Tonight though, man, I have no idea why I started feeling like such a piece of crap. It's nights like these that make me appreciate him even more. I can't really explain how he does it, but somehow he calms me down and helps me realize that things really are OK. He just knows exactly what to say to make me feel better and I'm just constantly grateful that he's a part of my life. And I feel so so so lucky to have him.
I am freezing and have been almost all day. It's driving me crazy, I absolutely hate being so cold. I think I'm going to go take a super hot shower and go to bed because I have another headache and I'm still as nauseaus as I was when I got up this morning. I have had the weirdest appetite lately, but I think it has more to do with the fact that I just dont want to cook anything. I swear, if I didnt have to take this medicine I'm on I wouldn't, because it makes me have no desire to eat. Which, considering my lack-of-eating history, is not good, even though the whole point of the medicine is to make me NOT think about what I'm eating. I guess its doing its job because I dont really care what I eat...so I dont know why I'm complaining. Maybe if I didn't have to go get fuckin anorexic when I was 16 I wouldn't always be so cold and/or obsessive about what I eat. I think I just need to go to bed.
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
i hope that you can find your way back to the place where you belong
Lifehouse was amaaaaaazing. A mini roadtrip is in the works for the end of the month to see them again. This picture is perfect to show how close we were, it was incredible. I'm really bored with school and skipping too many classes again, but I've only got like five weeks left.
Oh, and I love old people. A lot.
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