i believe

-I believe that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And, just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.
-I believe that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.
-I believe that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
-I believe that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.
-I believe that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.
-I believe that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.
-I believe that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.
-I believe that you can keep going long after you think you can't.
-I believe that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
-I believe that either you control your attitude or it controls you.
-I believe that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.
-I believe that money is a lousy way of keeping score.
-I believe that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones to help you get back up.
-I believe that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.
-I believe that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.
-I believe that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.
-I believe that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.
-I believe that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
-I believe that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.
-I believe two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.
-I believe that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.
-I believe that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you - you will find the strength to help.
-I believe that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.
-I believe that the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.

baby why don't you stay

The stupidest things have been getting to me today. Sometimes I have days where I feel so inadequate when it comes to everything. Like...no matter how much effort I put into something, the situation still doesn't change that much. Not that it's all within my control, but still, should I even bother if it goes unnoticed? Or maybe it is noticed and just not acknowledged. Either way, I shouldn't be concerned with it because I don't go out of my way to do the things I do just so I get acknowledged for it...I do it because I want to and because I want to make things better. Sometimes it's just frustrating. And then when I need something in return, or when I'm having a hard time, I have to deal with everything on my own. I don't even know if this makes sense.

I'm not focused on school at all this semester. I'm fine with that too - it's just one semester. I've come to realize that life doesn't come down to the grades I get in school. In 10 years, people wont remember whether I got an A or a B in political science, so why bother stressing myself out over it when there are more important things to worry about? Right now I'm concerned with work because my store is in a tough position and I'm trying to prove my worth there, especially because I could really use a raise. And my personal life is really important to me too right now, which usually has been on the back burner, at least for the past few years. But I want to make that a priority right now, especially because I know I will pass my classes no matter what this semester. I don't care if I pass with a C, B or A as long as I pass. So focusing on my family and on John are more important to me.

Sometimes I worry that it might bother John knowing how important he is in my life especially because its not reciprocal, but I completely understand where he is right now and why he needs to focus all his energy on his job and getting his life together. And I want to be able to help him in whatever way I can, and I know that part of that means that our relationship isn't his focus right now, and it wont be for a while. Strangely enough, I'm ok with that. And I think maybe it's because I feel like I love him for real. It sounds weird when you say it like that, but I get what it means. I've said that I've loved another person before and I don't think I was lying, but I do think it was a different kind of love...not necessarily unmerited love, but just not as real as this. Sometimes I question whether John really does love me even though he says he does, but I think maybe it ties in with how stressful things are for him right now.

It's late and I'm babbling, I guess just trying to de-stress myself about this coming week. Sooo much to do, so little free time. Eww =(

it's windy

So it's been a while. Maybe that's good, maybe it means that I've been sane enough to deal with things without the help of a random place on the internet. Which would then mean that since I'm writing now, I'm not sane enough to deal with things on my own. I am not sure exactly what is going on with me, but something is definitely up. I haven't been eating normally...over the last few weeks I've been gradually lowering the amount of food I eat and I've been making myself throw up again which is clearly not good. Especially considering my throat has barely had enough time to heal so I'm basically undoing all the hard work I've done over the last four months to get here. My parents know something is going on and so does John but I haven't told anyone that I've been throwing up whatever I do eat. And I know what I'm doing is wrong but I'm at that point where I don't even care. I am fully aware of it all but I feel like I can't control it. I feel so helpless too, like this will never fully go away.

Lately though, I've been so happy. Things at home are good, things with John are perfect, school's not so bad, work is good and I'm finally getting some recognition there. I can't figure out what is causing me to start this again. Maybe a month or so ago I got a message on myspace that had actually been messages sent back and forth between John and some girl named Christina, and she forwarded them to me. Basically, something happened that really upset me, but what upset me the most was that he denied it when I obviously know that it really did happen. I haven't brought it up since because people are human and make mistakes and I don't need to go around reminding him of that, but it has been in the back of my mind ever since. I trust him, I really do, but sometimes I get paranoid. Honestly, I don't care anymore about what he did, it just bothers me that he wont tell me the truth. The only thing that would change between us would be that I would be relieved to know that he trusts me with the truth. And maybe that is why I'm having such a hard time really opening up to him about my eating. Talking about why I dont eat and why I make myself sick puts me in a really vulnerable position, and it's just about as open as I can get with him, and I guess I'm just afraid of letting my guard down when I know that he hasn't been completely open with me. And I can't bring myself to admit that to him because I dont want him to feel like I am still holding onto that incident, even though in the back of my mind I am. All I know is that I love him so much and I hope all of this doesn't turn him away.