So it's been a while. Maybe that's good, maybe it means that I've been sane enough to deal with things without the help of a random place on the internet. Which would then mean that since I'm writing now, I'm not sane enough to deal with things on my own. I am not sure exactly what is going on with me, but something is definitely up. I haven't been eating normally...over the last few weeks I've been gradually lowering the amount of food I eat and I've been making myself throw up again which is clearly not good. Especially considering my throat has barely had enough time to heal so I'm basically undoing all the hard work I've done over the last four months to get here. My parents know something is going on and so does John but I haven't told anyone that I've been throwing up whatever I do eat. And I know what I'm doing is wrong but I'm at that point where I don't even care. I am fully aware of it all but I feel like I can't control it. I feel so helpless too, like this will never fully go away.
Lately though, I've been so happy. Things at home are good, things with John are perfect, school's not so bad, work is good and I'm finally getting some recognition there. I can't figure out what is causing me to start this again. Maybe a month or so ago I got a message on myspace that had actually been messages sent back and forth between John and some girl named Christina, and she forwarded them to me. Basically, something happened that really upset me, but what upset me the most was that he denied it when I obviously know that it really did happen. I haven't brought it up since because people are human and make mistakes and I don't need to go around reminding him of that, but it has been in the back of my mind ever since. I trust him, I really do, but sometimes I get paranoid. Honestly, I don't care anymore about what he did, it just bothers me that he wont tell me the truth. The only thing that would change between us would be that I would be relieved to know that he trusts me with the truth. And maybe that is why I'm having such a hard time really opening up to him about my eating. Talking about why I dont eat and why I make myself sick puts me in a really vulnerable position, and it's just about as open as I can get with him, and I guess I'm just afraid of letting my guard down when I know that he hasn't been completely open with me. And I can't bring myself to admit that to him because I dont want him to feel like I am still holding onto that incident, even though in the back of my mind I am. All I know is that I love him so much and I hope all of this doesn't turn him away.
1 comment:
I won't go through and comment on every entry, especially since some are a few months old.
Oh and this is Jen (the Australian version) but since I logged in with my gmail account it calls me Jennifer.
Anyway... this had me curious about what you found out through myspace. Not that it is any of my business, but you still seem bothered by it. I don't let go of things easily, and I don't keep it to myself very well either. I just don't know how. I don't look on it as rationally as you, I'm like "oh, another person has hurt me". Anyway, I get the part about making yourself vulnerable by talking about things, when the other person doesn't do the same. It's like that with me and Cam. While it is my choice to talk about my issues, I wish he wouldn't hide his so much.
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