another year gone

2008 feels like it FLEW by - wasn't it just yesterday I was packing up for the last Disney trip? That was almost a year ago - crazy, I tell you. Here are some of my favorite memories of 2008:

January
>>Disney World with my family - minus getting sick halfway through the trip. I especially liked the night we ate at the Garden Grill and got visited by the Mouse himself.
>>Getting surprised on New Year's with a haircut and tickets to see PS I Love You. I wonder who did that? ; )
>>Seeing KEITH URBAN and Carrie Underwood at Mohegan with my friend Carey.
>>John & I having our pictures taken in a photobooth at the mall - you don't understand that I bugged him to do this for MONTHS, and I was so excited when he caved. He even has the picture hanging on the wall in his room.

February
>>Having a dozen roses and a teddy bear delivered to me by you-know-who on Valentine's Day.
>>Getting a new job - a steady and well-paying job (even if it didn't work out in the end).
>>Seeing my first Wolfpack game at the Civic center - and having front row seats! (They won, in case you were wondering).

March
>>LIFEHOUSE AT THE WEBSTER. Thanks to my fabulous friend Amanda, we were right in the front row. It was an amazing show, as they all are. Especially because they played From Where You Are. Swoooon.
>>Spring break...just because nothing else significant happened in March.
>>Taking the cutest picture EVER of Cooper.

April
>>Going to Disney with my grandma - she had so much fun, it was awesome to see her so happy. Clearly, it is magical there.
>>Seeing my brother and sister perform in Epcot - their band did an awesome job,  and it was just so cool so see them play in my favorite place in the world.
>>Breaking my elbow - it's the first broken bone for me! I guess rollerblading & me do not mix well.

May
>>Gillette's Castle - it was a rough day for John & me, but it was so nice to have that day together. We even carved our names into the bridge there.
>>Getting MILO! Possibly the best thing that happened all year. He kind of filled in the hole that was left, and he quickly stole both of our hearts.
>>Memorial Day - annual picnic at my house. I love watching the parade, this year we watched it at the nursing home with some of my residents. The picnic was a lot of fun, always good to see friends & family.
>>The start of BBQs for the residents at the nursing home - I really loved them all and it was great to see them outside and enjoying the sun and warm weather. They brightened many rough days for me, and I'll never forget them for it.
And, I just want to add, that despite this being the hardest and most emotionally draining month of my life, it was filled with some pretty awesome people.

June
>>Seeing Drew graduate from high school.
>>Buying my first brand new car! It's a great feeling knowing I can do that for myself.
>>Chopping ALL of my hair off - hey, it's what I do after traumatic events. ; )

July
>>One year with John - I'd never felt so lucky in my life and every day I find new things to be thankful for.
>>Going to Mystic for  a weekend with him. Seeing the Aquarium, Seaport, and giant striper fish that scared the crap out of me at the beach!
>>4th of July - one of my favorite days. Watching the fireworks, spending the day at the river with my family. I MISS SUMMER!

August
>>Seeing Backstreet Boys with the girls - it was a really fun concert and you can bet we sang our butts off!
>>Roasting marshmallow's with John's nephews - it was such a fun night and I got some awesome pictures of the boys.
>>Drew's going away party - off to college for him! We especially had fun learning gang signs from Aunt Sonia later in the night ; )

September
>>New York City! It was awesome spending the day with Amanda, Kirby and Alynda! We had the best time getting lost and wandering around the streets of NYC. I'll never forget that day.
>>Quitting my job at the nursing home! I loved the residents, but hated the way the place was run. I needed to get out of there just because it was so stressful, and was so relieved when I finally put in my notice.
>>Birthdays, birthdays, birthdays! My mom, John's mom, Jacob and Gabriel all had birthdays. It's fun seeing little kids on their birthdays, it makes me wish I was little again too.

October
>> Taking the kids hiking at Wadsworth Falls. We had so much fun that day, and it made me even more thankful to have John and his family in my life.
>>Making Milo a LOLCat. Enough said ; )
>>Starting my new job! Less stress = yay!

November
>>Thanksgiving/my birthday - this month was crazy busy/stressful with school, and the long weekend at the end of the month was a fabulous break from it all.
>>Being legal!
>>Going to Mohegan Sun with John and my grandparents - they had so much fun they didn't realize it was 2:30 in the morning. Silly grandpas =)

December
>>Massive snow storm! We shoveled for two days straight, and now I still have a sore back from it. Thanks, mother nature.
>>Griswold Inn with my family for an early Christmas dinner.
>>Christmas. For obvious reasons.
>>Meeting little Ursa, the newest (and temporary) member of my family.
>>Isabel Noel's birth. She's really cute. And has a lot of hair.

Things I'm thankful for this year? John. He is too good to me and sometimes I think I don't deserve it. And for Milo, for saving my heart when all I needed was something to love. This year was hard, but all I have to do is look at John or Milo and then I know how I got through it.

Bring on 2009!

christmas is over already?!

I'm going to try to make my Christmas story as short as possible because it lasted four days, and that could turn into a really long post.

Christmas Eve all of the Swedes went to the Riverdale as usual. My mom, cousin Caroline and I set up the entire hall that afternoon, which took about an hour. I rushed home, made a yummy broccoli dish in record time, got ready in even better record time, and headed back to the Riverdale with John for the party. Uncle Gary & Aunt Laura brought the puppy who now has a name (Ursa!) which was fun. She pretty much doubled in size since I saw her last - which was only a week ago. We did the Silly Swap as usual, but John, Erin & I gave our numbers to our little cousins Katie, Lia and Jill since they didn't have numbers. It's more fun to see the kids have fun, anyway. I chatted with little Maddie, who is the sweetest thing ever. After, my family went to the midnight service at church, where Jenny, Christy and I couldn't stop giggling and where Baby Jesus magically lit Andrew's candle fifteen minutes early.

Christmas Day we woke up around 9am, and had to wait until 10 before we were "allowed" downstairs. My dad made the traditional Christmas morning cinnamon buns and Grandma Keser came over to open gifts with us. Santa came and left us all stockings - apparently he thinks we smell, because we all got deoderant, razors, and shower gel in our stockings this year. ; ) John came over around 11:30 and he & I exchanged our gifts. He loved his miniature Mustang RC car (that looks just like his!) and his book from Milo. Around 1:00 the rest of my family arrived and we stayed for a little bit before heading over to his sister's house to eat Christmas dinner and do gifts with the boys. It was fun seeing the boys so excited - Ryan was so antsy to open gifts - it didnt matter if they were for him or not! He tore into a couple during dinner, but all was forgiven since it was Christmas. We went down to the playroom while the boys tried out their brand new Wii, and Jen and I played with Ryan and his Batman Cave. It was a really, really nice Christmas, maybe one of the best ever. That night, we went back to John's where he gave me a white gold ring and matching necklace with my birthstone - they are absolutely beautiful. Like I said, best Christmas ever : )

The day after, we woke up and made pancakes and eggs for his parents and ourselves- yum! We layed around in bed for a while enjoying the long weekend and then came to my house to play with Cooper for a while. My dad made pizza for dinner with his new pizza stone which was yummy. We stopped at his sister's to give them another gift that arrived a day late (stupid mail) and headed off to see Marley & Me which I definitely reccomend, but be ready to cry. It's really sad. Even John was sad after! Saturday we met his mom and sister for lunch at Chilis, and spent a couple hours shopping afterwards. I'm lucky that he has such a great mom & sister, I have so much fun with them. Later on, we made a gingerbread train - I haven't made a gingerbread anything since about second grade! It was fun - Milo helped us out a whole bunch. He's always got to be in the middle of everything : ) We watched Stepbrothers that night, twice,  and were very lazy again. I love being lazy. Especially with someone so cute.

Today we woke up and made waffles, played with Milo a whole bunch because we are going to miss him while we are in Disney next week. And I got a 20 minute backrub which was fabulous - my back hurts way less now. Which is good because we are going to Disney in less than a week! (!!!!!)

I have lots to do this week, like pack and clean and make sure I have enough change for the tolls. And AMANDA is coming to visit on Tuesday! Gonna be a busy week!

my sister and I on Christmas morning

with some of my little cousins on Christmas Eve

John and I on Christmas Eve

the fabulous gingerbread train

i sure am gonna miss this little guy next week!

the way i loved you

It's been kind of a strange day. I dont really know how to explain it.

I woke up this morning and decided to check my email before leaving for work. Usually I barely have time to brush my teeth before I leave and I still manage to be five minutes late, but today I had a half hour to kill before leaving. Sooo, I decided to see if I got an email from Snapfish (I've been waiting to hear if the gift for John's sister has been shipped) and - surprise! - it shipped yesterday.  Out of the corner of my eye I saw an email from Casey - I know a few Casey's so I didn't think anything of it, until I realized that my cousin's husband's name is Casey. My cousin who was due to have a baby on Christmas. Why would I be getting an email from him? Oh, because she had her baby this morning!

My first reaction was complete excitement - it's been three years since we've had a baby in my family, she's one of my favorite cousins, and she's basically going to be the coolest mom ever. I called my grandma and my mom to tell them - we've been playing the waiting game for two weeks to hear if anything happened. I have been nervous for this though, because of the timing of it all. I was surprised with myself, for being so excited and happy about it all. Babies are exciting, right?

Five minutes later, I was looking at the picture of the baby and starting uncontrollably crying - ten minutes before I had to leave for work. I feel jealous, and sad, and angry...and guilty for feeling anything but happiness for them. It came out of nowhere; happy and excited one second and BAM! uncontrollable tears the next.

I really truly am happy that Isabel is here; my crazy emotions are not related to her or my cousin - it just reminds me of my situation and how I still hide how hard it is to deal with on a daily basis. I haven't really talked about it with anyone - I know that keeping it to myself only makes it that much harder to deal with, but I do it anyway. I play it off like it's not a big deal, I even make jokes about it. But there is not a day that goes by that I don't think about it, or wish that it was different. Some days it's easier, and when I think about it, it's just 'ok, this is a part of my life, this is a part of who I am.' Then there are days when it drags me down, when it's all I can think about, when all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry for hours. There are days when I ache to talk to someone about it, but who? No one would understand it. I've told very few people about it - my family doesn't even really know. I think most of the time, I just want a hug and for someone to tell me it's ok. I desperately want to talk about it but I feel like I can't - or if I tried, I'd freeze because I'm afraid of falling apart.

I think, in all honesty, I really just need to let myself fall apart. I dont think I can move on until I do.

so baby drive slow til we run out of road

the mickey wreath looking very festive

my neighbor's giant pine tree

our fence. and pepper in the background looking quite dirty =(

we shoveled and cleared off cars all day = we were cold. especially my nose.

a tree. i thought it looked cool.

I finished my Christmas shopping today, at Target. I feel like I didn't do much this year, but it's because my family did Secret Santa, so I only had to get my sister something. Even then, we had a spending limit and the thing she wanted was over the limit so that's all I got her. I did a photo theme this year, and I hope Snapfish follows through on their promise for delivery by the 24th. I am making a broccoli dish for Christmas Eve which is the DAY AFTER TOMORROW. Which means I need to go shopping and buy broccoli!

Christmas Eve is my favorite day of the year. My Grandfather's side of the family (the Swedes - there are about fifty of us - not including in-laws) rents a hall for Christmas Eve and it's just fabulous. It's the only time we all get to see each other, and we do a pinata (we are Swedes that like to pretend to be Hispanic, apparently) and we do the Swedish tradition of St.Lucia, we do the "silly swap" (everyone wraps a funny gift and it's kind of like a grab bag with rules to make it even more fun) and Santa even makes an appearance. It's just the best night of the year. It makes me remember being little, and being SO excited that Santa was coming and getting to sit on his lap and tell him what I wanted. Years later, I don't know how I never realized "Santa" was my cousin, I suppose it is the blonde in me. Afterward, we go to the midnight service at church which is beautiful because it's all candle light. When I was little, we'd always get in trouble for making too much noise...but honestly, how can you expect three kids to be quiet in church when Santa is coming in a few hours!?

Disney is in twelve days. Yes, twelve. Twelve days until I will be basking in 85 degree weather, surrounded by all the most magical things in the world. It's the only thing getting me through this disaster of a winter we are having so far.

I also bought Taylor Swift's new album Fearless on iTunes tonight. I officially need to stop spending money otherwise I wont be able to afford my Minnie Mouse ears in Disney, which is clearly a priority in my life ; )

it's looking like a white christmas

If I didn't lose my camera at John's, I'd be able to post the pictures of the blizzard that hit the northeast this weekend. It basically lasted 48 hours and left parts of the state with 15+ inches of snow.

I spent the weekend shoveling, cleaning off cars, and curled up in bed with John & Milo, and it was fabulous, minus the shoveling and cleaning off cars part.

I almost finished my Christmas shopping, I just have one more thing to get John and I'll be all set.

PS - This is Cooper's first real experience with a lot of snow, and he took to hopping like a rabbit instead of walking. I'm going to try to get a video of it because it's pretty entertaining to see ; )

always

I love when I have a horrible day, when everything goes wrong and all I want to do is curl up in a ball and not wake up for days, he always makes me feel better.

nothing we say is gonna save us from the fallout

My back has been bothering me for the last two weeks, and the last three days it has been kiling me. I dont know what the deal is, but it's painful to do anything but lay flat on my bed. It's just my lower back, straight across the bottom. I'm hoping it's just because I should be getting my period soon, and that it'll go away soon after. Because if it's something else, I definitely don't have the pain tolerance for this. I can't even pick up Lucy, who is like five pounds and the smallest kitty ever. Ugh.

I bought a life insurance policy today. I'm proud of myself for being adult-like and responsible, even though I'm the most responsible out of my siblings. It gives me a sense of security, that when I'm married and have a house and kids, I wont have to worry about leaving behind a mortgage for my husband to deal with or about how secure my children's futures will be. It was quite annoying though - I was sitting in the dining room with the insurance agent and my parents were there (they'd been revising their insurance policy in the first place) and when I was naming my beneficiaries, my mother got all worked up because I didn't do what she wanted. Turns out, I couldn't do what I wanted anyway due to legal rules, but still. I cannot stand how she always sticks her nose into other people's business. I know I'm her daughter and she wants to know what's going on in my life, but there are boundaries, which is something she clearly lacks an understanding of.

My back really hurts : ( I would give anything for a massage right now.

hello, buddy the elf! what's your favorite color?!

With the new year coming up so quickly, I've been thinking about resolutions - I make them every year, and they last about three days before I've given in. I've seen a lot of people who do 101 in 1001 - where you set a list of 101 goals to complete in 1001 days, which is about 2.75 years. I've seen a lot of really great lists and I think that setting goals (real goals) could only make me feel better about myself. So, I've decided that I'm going to work on making a list, and hopefully by January 1st, I can start 101 in 1001. I would feel super good about myself if I actually did all 101 of them.

I have two finals tomorrow, I'm pretty nervous about the first one, it's 50 multiple choice (I'm really bad at multiple choice) and this professor is really hard (I am typically a straight A student and got a B- on the midterm...most of the class failed) so I don't really know what to expect. The second is my gender class, and we get to have a cheat sheet, so I spent 3 hours today making that. I'm sure it'll be easy enough. Wednesday I have my death and dying exam, then Thursday is math and immigration. Ahh I can't wait to be done so I can bake Christmas cookies and go shopping for gifts and other fabulous holiday things.

My first final is at 8am, which means I have to leave at 7am, which means I have to be up around 6am, which is going to be thoroughly painful, considering I hate getting out of bed. This means I should be going to bed soon...I'm sure I can skip one night of being a night owl, right? Right.

I need to go Christmas shopping this week. I've finished most of John's family, I just need to get him a couple more things and get my sister's gift since I drew her name. I want to see if I can get to that cute store in Kensington this weekend, I know she'd love some things from there. The building is decorated as a giant present - seriously, what's not to love about that? I also need to decide what I'm making for Christmas Eve...I'm thinking an appetizer, feel free to throw out suggestions.

Oh, and a side note - this is another reason why Milo is the best kitten in the world: John came home from work today and heard his TV on, which he thought was weird. He walked into his room and saw Milo sprawled out on his bed, watching TV. How he got the TV on is a mystery, but he sure is an awesome little guy.

(at least we know he's got some self-defense skills in case he's confronted with a big mean dog or something)

it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you ; )

I am most definitely in the Christmas spirit. I am most definitely not in the study-for-finals spirit.

Saturday night my family had our big annual dinner party at the Griswold Inn in Essex. It was a big deal this year because I was deemed old enough to go, and my grandfather was really looking forward to John and I going. It was a lot of fun and hopefully everyone had as good a time as John and I had. I ordered steak for the second time in my life and was thoroughly disappointed with the cosmopolitan I ordered, it was most definitely not work almost $9.00. The steak was good, but I'm still not a huge fan of red meat. The rolls, though? Oh man, I could have eaten them all night, being the carb-oholic that I am. I think bread is the only thing that hasn't been making me want to throw up lately.

Speaking of that, I need to get back into see that specialist. I have been nauseous ALL week, and I think the stress of finals is just making my stomach issue even worse. My stomach is paralyzed and when I eat, the food isn't pushed through like it should be, leaving me feeling sick. It's a side-effect of having an eating disorder for four/five years, and it will likely never go away. It's annoying, but if it's the worst side effect I get, then I'll take it. I am supposed to take these pills before each meal, but my problem is that I don't eat three main meals a day, I tend to snack on little stuff. So I need to go back and find out what else I can do, because it's not fun feeling like I'm going to throw up constantly.

I think I'm calling out of work in the morning, because I am exhausted and feel like I'm coming down with something. My body aches and I can feel a migraine coming on, so I'm figuring it will be better to stay home tomorrow and not feel worse on Tuesday for finals. Speaking of, I still have to finish my paper and study for ALL FIVE finals. My problem is that I can't concentrate with all the Christmas-ness going on around me; I would much rather bake cookies or decorate or sing along to massive amounts of Christmas music.

Also, I have a new love. She doesn't have a name yet, but she is still extremely fluffy and adorable and I just want to eat her up.

John & I at the Christmas dinner. We clean up pretty well =)

Erin and the unnamed puppy. HOW CUTE IS SHE?!

Oh, and I almost forgot! My "skinny" jeans are loose on me...as in, I need a belt to keep them from falling down.  I dont know if it's from me being back at the gym (probably) or God just decided to hand me this one little favor, but it has boosted my confidence significantly. Just in time for Florida, seeing as we leave in TWENTY days. I guess I can pack my bikini after all ; )

the broken clock is a comfort

If you haven't seen the music video for Black Balloon, I suggest you go youtube it, because Johnny Rzenik is absolutely mouth-watering in it. And it's one of the best songs of all time. In fact, I have been working on a top 20 list for the last year, of my favorite songs (mostly when I am procrastinating and do not want to do any school work - it's a fabulous distraction, you should try it sometime) and Black Balloon is on my list. Because it is finals, and I am procrastinating like never before, I finished my list today. It is a supercalafragalisticexpialadocious list, if I do say so myself.

1. Broken - Lifehouse. Clearly, they are my favorite band. Clearly, it wouldn't be fair for me to put all of their songs on my top 20 list, but I can't help but to put four and a half (one is a cover) of theirs up because they are so good. Sometimes I am convinced that Jason Wade writes these songs specifically for me, that's how close to home they feel. Watch the video and just look at his face! He is so passionate about his music. The lyrics, when you first hear them or read them, seem depressing, but I think they are inspiring - just hold on, and everything will work out in the end. Everyone has felt like their world is falling apart and for me, this song really hit home this past May. I held onto it like a lifeline, and it got a little bit easier everyday to deal with what was going on. I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing with a broken heart that's still beating; in the pain there is healing, in your name I find meaning, so I'm holding on, I'm still holding, I'm barely holding onto you. I felt like my life was spinning out of control at 90 miles per hour, and this song gave me stability, it gave me something to hold onto when nothing else was going the way I wanted it to. After everything that happened, I'm still here, I'm still breathing, and even though there are days when it stops me in my tracks and I feel like I can't go forward, I find a way to.


2. Everything - Lifehouse. Click the link, if you know what's good for you. It's my faaaavorite live performance of the song; it gives me chills every time, no fail. It's an old performance, in Amsterdam, but my god it is the most genius six and a half minutes you will ever lay eyes (and ears) on. If you are impatient, you can fast forward to 4 minutes and 21 seconds, when it gets REALLY good. This is another amazing version, it's from their DVD. This is the most amazing song ever written, hands down, in the history of ever and ever. It is even better when you see it performed live. It's such a raw song, it holds nothing back.


3. Iris - Goo Goo Dolls. I have never met someone who dislikes this song. It was overplayed on the radio, but if you really listen to the lyrics, you will see that it is also a genius song. "You can't fight the tears that ain't coming or the moment of truth in your lies; when everything feels like the movies you bleed just to know you're alive"...it hardly gets more genius than that. Hardly.


4. World Spins Madly On - The Weepies. Clearly, I love this song enough to name my blog after it. My favorite part? "The whole world is moving and I am standing still." It must have been written for me, because I swear I feel like that every day of my life.


5. Let it Be - The Beatles. Classic, timeless, and again, genius. When I'm having a bad day, this always cheers me up.


6. Hallelujah - Rufus Wainwright. Just listen to this, you'll know why it's so great.


7. Beast of Burden - Rolling Stones or Lifehouse. I love the original, but I obviously love Lifehouse's cover. The video I linked is seriously amazing, I freaking love that man. It's obvious when he sings that he gets really into it, which makes the music that much better.


8. Fast Car - Tracy Chapman. This song makes me sad. I think most people can relate to it at some point or another; you try so hard at something and no matter what you do it just doesn't work out. It's such a raw and honest song, anyone who has ever felt like they don't belong can relate to it somewhat.


9. Black Balloon - Goo Goo Dolls. Johnny Rzenik wrote this song for a friend of his who was a heroin addict, but it's pretty universal, I think. It's about overcoming, beating, and moving past something that got the best of you. I love the last line, "I'll become what you became to me." GENIUS!


10. Anna Begins - Counting Crows. I LOVE this acoustic version. It's such an emotional song and I give a TON of credit to people who can sing this and sing it well. "She can't stop shaking and I can't stop touching her and this time when kindness falls like rain it washes her away and Anna begins to change her mind, and these seconds where I'm shaking leave me shuddering for days, she says, I'm not ready for this sort of thing." I can't even begin to attempt to explain this song; its just one of those songs you have to get all on your own.


11. Crush - DMB. Its the ultimate love song, like, if a guy sang that to me I'd be sold. Who wouldn't want to hear all that?


12. Simon - Lifehouse. I know, I know. I can't help it, they are just that good. If you are ever questioning yourself, or your purpose, or why things happen to you, listen to this song. When you feel alone, betrayed, or broken, this song lets you know you're not alone. You're not the only one. Jason wrote this when he was 17 (I think - either 15 or 17) about a friend who was bullied - listen to these lyrics and let me know if you know anyone that young that could write something so profound. "Refuse to feel anything at all, refuse to slip, refuse to fall. You canan't be weak, can't stand still, watch your back cause no one will. You don't know why they had to go this far; traded your worth for the scars, for your only company. Don't believe the lies that they have told to you, not one word was true, you're alright." This is my favorite version; again it is from Amsterdam a while ago. But amazing.


13. Name - Goo Goo Dolls. This is a classic Goo's song, if not the most classic. I especially like the 'scars are souvenirs you never lose' part, because I have one of those. Ok, so that wasn't entirely serious, obviously he means emotional scars, but everyone has those. So it works. I love the guitar in this, it's so catchy and so perfect.


14. Georgia - Hanson. I LOVE LOVE LOVE the piano in this; it makes me want to learn piano even more than I did before I found this song. I like the actual music in this song more than the lyrics; I think Hanson is more talented with creating a melody than they are with writing lyrics. I know a lot of people don't like them, but you cannot deny that they are incredible musicians, and that is why I love them so much.


15. Come on Get Higher - Matt Nathanson. SUCH a good song. My sister thinks it's dirty, but it's not. You have to really listen to it to understand that its not dirty. It's about loving someone, real love, and it reminds me of the beginning of a relationship when everything is new and exciting. It's even better live =)


16. In Your Eyes - Peter Gabriel. I have loved this song for a long time. It's a classic, and it's brilliantly written.


17. Brick - Ben Folds. "Can't you see it's not me you're dying for"...really? Profound much? Honestly. I love this song.


18. Storm - Lifehouse. Yes, another. This is an OLD song, from before there was Lifehouse. It's from back when they were Blyss, but they redid this song for the most recent record. I've loved this song since the first time I heard it many years ago, and it never gets old. I love when an artist can sing with so few instruments, I think that shows the true caliber of his talent. "And I will get lost into your eyes, I know everything will be alright." Again, hit pretty close to home earlier this year. It always hits close to home because again, I'm convinced he writes his song specifically for me.


19. Far Away - Nickelback. I dont really have an emotional attachment to this song, I just really like it a lot. It's not a typical Nickelback song, but I think there is something really awesome when a band like Nickelback can sing a ballad. It kind of just makes me melt a little bit.


20. One - U2. This doesn't really need explaining. Everyone knows it is a brilliant song

So, there we have it. I'm sure the list will change, because I'm always discovering amazing music, but I think most of these songs have remained my favorites for several years. I couldn't live without music, I live for live shows, and I have SO MANY bands that I love, so many songs that I can't live without, and I absolutely love acoustic versions of songs. I couldn't even fit any Nirvana or Pearl Jam or Seether or Foo Fighters or Everly or Emerson Hart on my list. There is just way too much good music in this world =)

we know it's never simple, never easy.

I must be hormonal or something; I have gone from wanting to scream to wanting to cry to wanting to pull my hair out all day today. Everything is frustrating me to the umpteenth power. I have felt sick all day. ALL DAY. I think it is stress related, seeing as I have SO much to do in the next week. I've hardly eaten anything in almost three days. Just for that reason, I wish I got stressed more often.

And what makes today so much worse? I just saw an ASPCA commercial, and I can't freaking STAND when people abuse animals. Seriously. What is so bad in your life that you have to beat an innocent cat or dog to death? Who the fuck do you think you are to put your dog through caged fighting?? How is it fun to light a kitten on fire?? Who gives you the right to burn off a rabbit's fur just so you can see if your new product will hurt a human? My dream, if I could do anything at all with my life, is to open a non-profit animal shelter. My dog was going to be euthanized because people down south are so racist that they abandon black animals - they throw them on the street to fend for themselves, and the shelthers are so overloaded that they're forced to euthanize if homes can't be found within a couple weeks.  Anyone who has met Cooper knows he is the sweetest dog. He doesn't have a mean bone in his body. He loves everyone no matter what. There are days when he's my best friend because he's the only one who loves unconditionally. He was abused just because of the color of his fur, which is absolutely ridiculous. We may have physically rescued Cooper, but he's rescued me in so many other ways. I wish with every fiber of my being that I could stop animal abuse, and it makes me so sad that it will likely never go away.

i'm giving in

I love when a song says exactly what I'm feeling.

I want more, but I don't. I am happy, but I'm frustrated. I feel loved, but I don't feel wanted. I feel wicked insecure about myself and I don't know why.

I am so frustrated right now, with school, and my life being static, and being broke, and not being able to buy good Christmas gifts this year. I hate when I can't buy good gifts.

Some days, I'm really proud of myself for doing what I've done with my life. I've gotten through three major life catastrophes relatively unscathed, and I'm pretty proud of how I handled them. I could have not gotten help for my eating disorder, but I chose to ask for it. I almost died from a freaking deer, but I didn't let it slow me down. I handled a life changing surprise with relative ease, and dealt with the outcome as best I could. The latest has been hard, and it doesn't want to go away, but I still think I am handling it fairly well...if you consider skipping out on my cousin's baby shower because I was terrified of going handling it fairly well, that is.  I'm proud of myself for not letting this appear as traumatic as it feels most days. And some days, when I'm really proud of myself, I wonder if I'm doing enough to make myself truly happy. Because I deserve it.

I dont really know what the point of this is.

near the end

I only have two days of class left (yes, TWO) before finals start. This makes me very happy for a few reasons:

1. It means I will have a month long break from school. This makes me VERY happy.
2. It means it's almost Christmas, and I love Christmas.
3. It means it's also almost time to leave for Disney, which possibly makes me happiest of all.

I also dislike this time of year very much, because I have no time for ANYthing. This is what I have to get done by next Thursday: a 12 page paper on Swedish immigration and my grandpa, 8 page paper reflecting on three books assigned in one of my sociology classes (I've only read one of them so far), study for a math final (I have two of them for one class), a Gender final, a Race, Class & Gender final, a Death & Dying final, and an Immigration final. I haven't even STARTED my Christmas shopping, nor have I cleaned my car or room in weeks.

I'm pretty sure I wont be posting for at least a few days. =( Unless someone wants to do all this work for me!

christmas cards already??

Today, I wrote out almost all of my Christmas cards (if you got a message from me on Facebook asking for your address - that's why!) and all I have left to do is go to the post office to mail them...which is always what takes me forever.

That's the thing about the post office (just like the bank)...it is only open during business hours. I work 9-5:30, and on the days I go to school, I'm there from 8:00 - 4:30. By time I get home from school, it's usually after 5, and they are both closed already. On the weekends, I'm so busy that I forget to do these silly errands. And this is why it takes me days or weeks (or, in the case of Jen's Christmas gift last year, MONTHS) to mail things that require more than one stamp or something out of the ordinary.

I am putting the pieces together for my presentation on my family's Swedish immigration history. I'm hoping to find this dress that my great-grandfather got for me, it's a traditional Swedish dress that was made in his hometown (Nissafors) that I wore for as many Christmases as I could fit into it, and it's been worn by many of my cousins. I also have lots of pictures of my grandparents, my cousins in Sweden, and letters written between my grandparents as they 'courted.'  (Good old days, right?) Hopefully I do well, and I'm hoping that I do well enough on my paper that I can send it to my family to read...obviously I'm only sending it if I get an A. ; )

I have so much work to do and I am obviously procrastinating. Tomorrow is my long day. But then it's Thursday and the week will almost be over!