Today is the 2nd anniversary of Katrina. I get so mad at myself sometimes because I take so much for granted and I complain about so many things that don't really matter at all. Like the fact that I'm broke. So what? There are people who are still homeless, two years after the fact, and I'm complaining that I can't afford books this semester. I should be thankful that I can go to school and get an education but instead I just find things to dislike about it. Maybe that's what's wrong with this country as a whole, we take way too many things for granted. We're so self-centered and vain that we lose sight of the real issues. I know I sound like a liberal here (have no fear - that's not happening anytime soon) but I just think that if people took a little time to help other people, the world might be a better place.
John and I went to the beach yesterday and both of us got sunburned. He found a starfish in the water and a huge crab that was still alive, which sent me straight out of the water. I really dont know how I got so lucky. He makes it so easy for me to talk to him, which is huge because I am not the type of person to talk about things when I'm upset. He makes me laugh all the time and he gets along with my family which is really important to me. And we can both have our own lives, which is something that I really need right now. With Steven, we alllllways had to be together and alllllways had to be doing the same things, which is why it didnt work with him. I have to be able to have my alone time and time to do things on my own. And same with him, he's pefectly fine if we go and do our own thing. That's what makes this feel so real I think. I used to have this whole list of things I wanted in someone, and he's totally the opposite of all of that. Maybe the fact that he's not perfect is what makes him so perfect. But the fact that I am so so so so insanely, ridiculously happy with him scares me because it makes me that much more afraid of rejection.
I promised Erin I'd take her to IHOP the last day of summer, so after we hit the gym we're going to drive up there for a late lunch. I can't believe Andrew is a senior this year, or that Erin is a freaking sophomore. It makes me sad that we're all growing up and that in a year Andrew will be out of here. I think I just have to stop thinking about these things.
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Thursday, August 23, 2007
...
Adsdgjkg, it's one of those days. I think I'm in a writing phase again...the kind where I feel the need to pour out my soul every five minutes. It's frustrating in a sense because my mind is constantly moving and worrying and thinking and I wish for just five minutes it would stop. Really, I think right now it boils down to me being a big baby.
I don't know why I'm so insecure about everything. I knew this would happen because it always does. I get involved with someone and I start picking myself apart and convincing myself I'm not good enough. And it's not just my body either...I pick apart my personality too. I should think before I say things, I shouldn't be so quiet, I should stop worrying, I should be more reserved, pretty much be someone I'm not. So... sometimes I blurt things out without thinking. Sometimes I'm just quiet. Sometimes I laugh at dumb things. Sometimes I just want to be held. That's just who I am. I know this is partly due to the fact that this has all happened so quickly, but what I am I supposed to do - pass up someone this amazing? I'm not going to hold back and miss out on him just because I can't get myself together. I've never felt like this before. I miss him so much when I'm not with him and he gives me the butterfly feeling whenever I see him. I just feel different with him. Maybe I need to talk to him about this but I really dont want to. I have a feeling it would freak him out that I'm so weird.
I've been so tired lately. I've had headaches constantly too, but those should go away by next week when I get onto my new birth control. It'll be the 7th one in three years, you'd think that there would be at least one pill out there that doesn't give me headaches but nooo..it's like clockwork. After 3-4 months on any given pill I start getting headaches. My boobs have been killing me for the last week too, and that's probably related to the pill issues too.
I just need to go to bed and sleep for a while. Hopefully I'll sleep too late and accidentally miss work becuase I am so sick of all the drama going on there. Disney of all places should be drama free but noooo, it's not.
I don't know why I'm so insecure about everything. I knew this would happen because it always does. I get involved with someone and I start picking myself apart and convincing myself I'm not good enough. And it's not just my body either...I pick apart my personality too. I should think before I say things, I shouldn't be so quiet, I should stop worrying, I should be more reserved, pretty much be someone I'm not. So... sometimes I blurt things out without thinking. Sometimes I'm just quiet. Sometimes I laugh at dumb things. Sometimes I just want to be held. That's just who I am. I know this is partly due to the fact that this has all happened so quickly, but what I am I supposed to do - pass up someone this amazing? I'm not going to hold back and miss out on him just because I can't get myself together. I've never felt like this before. I miss him so much when I'm not with him and he gives me the butterfly feeling whenever I see him. I just feel different with him. Maybe I need to talk to him about this but I really dont want to. I have a feeling it would freak him out that I'm so weird.
I've been so tired lately. I've had headaches constantly too, but those should go away by next week when I get onto my new birth control. It'll be the 7th one in three years, you'd think that there would be at least one pill out there that doesn't give me headaches but nooo..it's like clockwork. After 3-4 months on any given pill I start getting headaches. My boobs have been killing me for the last week too, and that's probably related to the pill issues too.
I just need to go to bed and sleep for a while. Hopefully I'll sleep too late and accidentally miss work becuase I am so sick of all the drama going on there. Disney of all places should be drama free but noooo, it's not.
free and easy down the road i go
hellllloooo, where has the time gone?? school starts in less than two weeks, that's so crazy. usually i dont mind school but i have to take poli sci and bio this semester which wont be fun, plus two history classes which will be a toonnnnn of work with the professors i'm taking. plus i miss being at providence so much and i still wish i could be back there instead of at ccsu.
i can't really think of anything exciting that's happened lately. aunt helen died, but i wouldn't exactly consider that exciting. the funeral sucked, my grandpa had such a hard time. it's hard when you see someone who's always been so tough and guarded break down like that and i just wanted to make it all go away for him. in a way, i hate getting older because life gets so much more complicated. the funeral was just a huge reminder that my grandparents wont be around forever. i know how lucky i am that nanny and bumpie are both healthy, especially considering how close i am to them, but at the same time i know they wont be around forever. i've always been really close to them and i always go to them before my own parents when something is wrong and i cant imagine life without them. it scares me because i've never really had to deal with death before. i mean, people in my family have died, but no one that i have been really close to. i was really close to aunt helen when i was younger, but she's been sick for so many years that it sort of distanced me from all of it. as much as nanny drives me up a wall sometimes, i know i'll be lost without her.
i applied for a job at the hospital because disney just isnt cutting it anymore. i'm so broke, that month and a half of not being able to work after the accident drained my savings and the new car didnt help either. i dont even know how i'm going to buy books this semester. i have $100 still on my barnes and noble card but i'm sure that wont even cover my bio book. john's got to start looking for a job too because his unemployment runs out in november. money sucks. see, it would be so much better to be 10 years old.
but its ok because i'm happy, really happy, and its such a nice change.
i can't really think of anything exciting that's happened lately. aunt helen died, but i wouldn't exactly consider that exciting. the funeral sucked, my grandpa had such a hard time. it's hard when you see someone who's always been so tough and guarded break down like that and i just wanted to make it all go away for him. in a way, i hate getting older because life gets so much more complicated. the funeral was just a huge reminder that my grandparents wont be around forever. i know how lucky i am that nanny and bumpie are both healthy, especially considering how close i am to them, but at the same time i know they wont be around forever. i've always been really close to them and i always go to them before my own parents when something is wrong and i cant imagine life without them. it scares me because i've never really had to deal with death before. i mean, people in my family have died, but no one that i have been really close to. i was really close to aunt helen when i was younger, but she's been sick for so many years that it sort of distanced me from all of it. as much as nanny drives me up a wall sometimes, i know i'll be lost without her.
i applied for a job at the hospital because disney just isnt cutting it anymore. i'm so broke, that month and a half of not being able to work after the accident drained my savings and the new car didnt help either. i dont even know how i'm going to buy books this semester. i have $100 still on my barnes and noble card but i'm sure that wont even cover my bio book. john's got to start looking for a job too because his unemployment runs out in november. money sucks. see, it would be so much better to be 10 years old.
but its ok because i'm happy, really happy, and its such a nice change.
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
hello august
Crazy couple of weeks? Pretty much.
This doesn't mean my life hasn't been exciting, because how can anything be exciting around here? Ok, so maybe (maybe?) I can get excited about this. I met someone. Yes, at the gym of all places, where I'm stinky, sweaty, and totally not put together. It was Monday July 23rd. Actually, I recognized him because in January of 2006 we'd been talking on myspace (retarded, I know - he friended in December right after Christmas and we talked for a few weeks, but then he was deployed to Afghanistan with the Guard, so we pretty much lost touch after that). Annnyways, I recognized him but figured that after 18 months deployment and everything that was going on in his life, he wouldn't remember me. So I went home, found him on myspace, and sent him a message. Surprise, he'd recognized me at the gym (from the scars on my arm of all things) and that night we met up and hung out at his place till 3 am. Yes, three o'clock in the morning. We hung out the next night too, and sat on the curb in front of my house until 3 am again. Both nights we talked the entire time, mostly about his deployment and a lot of random stuff. The next night I was at the concert (of course details to come later) and then Thursday night I stayed at his place for the night, completely accidentally, but we ended up "officially together" by the end of the night.
We've been together a lot since then, he's met my family and such, and everything feels so right. It's so easy for me to talk to him which is totally new for me. And he's so open with me about everything, and I think that's why it feels so right. That and he treats me better than anyone I've ever been with. He's the first guy to not try to get in my pants the first few nights together, and he's so considerate about the little things that you wouldn't normally think about. He makes me laugh constantly, and he makes me feel so important and worthwhile. I told him about my eating too, and surprisingly it went well and it doesn't bother him. This is the first time I've been so relaxed with someone, and not worrying about the future. It's all happening perfectly and I am so so so so so happy.
The concert, of course, was amazing. I can't wait for Lifehouse to headline later this year and next summer. It'll be fabulous x47. Not much else has been going on. Aunt Helen died last week, I'm still broke, and still haven't finished my stuff from the spring semester but I have until October. My brother and I haven't been getting along at all. He's been mad at me because I havent been spending a ton of money on him like he wants me to, and I haven't been home to cart him around everyday. So that translates into him being an ass to me and giving me a hard time about everything, but I really don't care. I'm not going to get all bent out of shape about it because it's not worth it, and I'm not going to do whatever he wants just so he's nice to me, even though that would be the easier thing to do.
I don't want school to start back up especially because I dont know what the hell I want to do with my life AND I'm broke and all that. I wish I could win the lottery or something, it'd make life a lot easier.
And that's it.
This doesn't mean my life hasn't been exciting, because how can anything be exciting around here? Ok, so maybe (maybe?) I can get excited about this. I met someone. Yes, at the gym of all places, where I'm stinky, sweaty, and totally not put together. It was Monday July 23rd. Actually, I recognized him because in January of 2006 we'd been talking on myspace (retarded, I know - he friended in December right after Christmas and we talked for a few weeks, but then he was deployed to Afghanistan with the Guard, so we pretty much lost touch after that). Annnyways, I recognized him but figured that after 18 months deployment and everything that was going on in his life, he wouldn't remember me. So I went home, found him on myspace, and sent him a message. Surprise, he'd recognized me at the gym (from the scars on my arm of all things) and that night we met up and hung out at his place till 3 am. Yes, three o'clock in the morning. We hung out the next night too, and sat on the curb in front of my house until 3 am again. Both nights we talked the entire time, mostly about his deployment and a lot of random stuff. The next night I was at the concert (of course details to come later) and then Thursday night I stayed at his place for the night, completely accidentally, but we ended up "officially together" by the end of the night.
We've been together a lot since then, he's met my family and such, and everything feels so right. It's so easy for me to talk to him which is totally new for me. And he's so open with me about everything, and I think that's why it feels so right. That and he treats me better than anyone I've ever been with. He's the first guy to not try to get in my pants the first few nights together, and he's so considerate about the little things that you wouldn't normally think about. He makes me laugh constantly, and he makes me feel so important and worthwhile. I told him about my eating too, and surprisingly it went well and it doesn't bother him. This is the first time I've been so relaxed with someone, and not worrying about the future. It's all happening perfectly and I am so so so so so happy.
The concert, of course, was amazing. I can't wait for Lifehouse to headline later this year and next summer. It'll be fabulous x47. Not much else has been going on. Aunt Helen died last week, I'm still broke, and still haven't finished my stuff from the spring semester but I have until October. My brother and I haven't been getting along at all. He's been mad at me because I havent been spending a ton of money on him like he wants me to, and I haven't been home to cart him around everyday. So that translates into him being an ass to me and giving me a hard time about everything, but I really don't care. I'm not going to get all bent out of shape about it because it's not worth it, and I'm not going to do whatever he wants just so he's nice to me, even though that would be the easier thing to do.
I don't want school to start back up especially because I dont know what the hell I want to do with my life AND I'm broke and all that. I wish I could win the lottery or something, it'd make life a lot easier.
And that's it.
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