end of the world

The weather this year has been pretty scary.

We got so much snow in January and February. More snow than I've ever seen in my 23 years living in CT. I'm talking foot after foot after foot piled up, some ice mixed in - snow banks so high that you had to literally creep into intersections because it was impossible to see what was coming. Roads were one lane wide in some places because there was simply no place to put the snow. Dump trucks were brought in to haul snow out of the intersections. I remember standing in front of my car ready to burst into tears because it was literally buried in a pile of snow. I wish I had thought to take pictures. We really felt like it would never melt.

Now, we are experiencing some really scary thunderstorms. Between the tornadoes that touched down in Springfield, MA last week (about 45 minutes away from us) and the horrific band of thunderstorms that ripped through yesterday, I've had my fair share of bad weather to last me for the rest of the year. We got sent home from work early when the sky started to turn black. Yes, black. I got home and the phone rang - it was John making sure I was home. He was driving through the storm and said it was intense. Later, he told me he could see the clouds swirling, which would have completely freaked me out. I had every light in the house on to make the lightning outside less visible. I had the cats in their carriers in case we had to go into the basement. I had every candle out on the kitchen counter ready to go.

We ended up being fine. Luckily, John beat the storm to our house so I wasn't alone when it was really bad here. We had the news on, which probably scared me even more, but I wanted to keep watching the doppler to see when the storm would be out of here. It last about an hour, but for those of us who are terrified of bad weather, it felt a lot longer. Thankfully no one was hurt (as far as I know), but over 120,000 people were without power. Ours flickered, but never went out. Thank goodness. I'm such a wimp when it comes to weather - I hate things that I can't control. I know a ton of people who love storms...not me!

So, Mother Nature, if you're reading this, can you please be nice to us for the rest of the year? We thought we had enough bad weather this winter to deserve being spared for the rest of the year.

inspiration

I've decided to start writing again. It helps me, I think, to have someone (or something, I suppose, in the case of a blog) to just be able to say things to, without any criticism, or opinions, or advice. That kind of implies that I've got only negative things to say, which isn't true, but I also kind of like the idea of 5, 10, 15 years from now, being able to go back and see what my life was like right now.

Speaking of the future, lately I've been wondering what my life will be like 5, 10, 15 years from now. Not for any specific reason...but it seems like so many things are changing right now. Politically, who knows where we will be in even a year's time, maybe in ten years I will be living in Canada. I'm almost done with school (almost meaning 1 year of undergrad and 1 year of grad school away) and it gets me to thinking about my future...what am I going to do, where will I work, where will I live, who will I live with?

I really think, that in 15 years, I'll look back and wish I could return to where I am right now. What can I complain about? I make decent money, I live rent free, I am learning, I am young, and I am in love with a really good, honest person. I know that I've struggled a little lately with some things that have gone on in my personal life, which is part of why I stopped writing, but really - all of that yucky stuff aside, I am really lucky to be me right now.

If I look back even just 2 years and compare who I am now to who I was then...I am immensely proud of what I've done in those two years. I've learned a lot about myself, who I am, and what I want. I've taken control of my health, I've fallen in love, I've decided on a career path, and I've purchased my very own brand new car.

What I need the most right now, is to slow down and really look at what is important. I am so quick to react to things without really letting them sink in. I tend have a one-track-mind when something is thrown at me, and I want to be able to look at things in a broader light.

memory lane

I just was reading through old journals I had when I was really sick. I wrote all the time then, it kind of got my mind off of being sick even though all I ever wrote about was being sick - if that makes sense.

Sometimes I forget just how bad it was. How close I came to actually dying, how miserably low I felt all the time, how physically exhausted I was, how lonely I was. I mean, my life has completely turned around. COMPLETELY. I've gone from starving myself five days in a row, throwing up so much that I almost tore a hole in my throat, burning thousands of calories a day at the gym, causing so much damage to my heart and spending two months in a hospital...to being for the most part, really healthy - physically and emotionally. I still have a lot of damage in my throat and I still bleed sometimes and I still get heart palpitations, but those things are never going to go away. I still feel bad about how I look and I still criticize myself every day. I still wish I was thinner and feel insecure eating in front of people - but I can deal with it now.

I can manage my fears and my resentment and I know when to ask for help. I never thought I'd be able to say that I haven't thrown up in six months, but now I can. SIX MONTHS. I used to throw up over six times a day, and I haven't done it in SIX MONTHS. That's amazing to me, and I'm so proud of myself. I havent purposely starved myself in four months. I haven't purposely overdone it at the gym in four months. I haven't counted calories in two months. I realize now that I need to stay on my medication...it really helps me stay focused in all this. And I think it's worth it, to be able to feel somewhat normal is just a really, really good thing.

I know I'll never be completley over it. I'll always have the physical affects - the tear in my throat and the heart issues - but they're manageable and wont affect me that much. I'll always have an eating disorder because I've accepted the fact that I'll always have to work at staying "sober" from it, just like any other addictive disease, but I can be in control of it. I've learned to trust people again and to love who I am because it's who I am that matters, not what I look like.

I don't know where all of this is coming from, apparently reliving the my my life of the last two years made me realize just how far I've really come. And I'm really proud of myself, what I've done, and who I am right now. I don't really tell people about this part of my life because I don't want it to define me anymore, but it's always going to be a part of me. Just not all of me.

feels like tonight

I am ridiculously, insanely, completely happy right now. I can't imagine being any happier.

Obviously, my life could be better. I could be out of my parent's house, I could be out of debt, I could be making more money, I could be happy with my body, I could be totally self-confident, I could be so many more things. But despite not having all of those things, I am so SO SO happy. Quite possibly the most impressive thing about being so happy is that all of those things I could have...I don't have any of them. And I'm still happy despite not having them. I'm not really sure why I've had such a 180 in attitude lately. Maybe it's being busy and filling up every possible second of my day and feeling productive and worthwhile...or maybe it's this really adorable, completely sweet and gorgeous boy I'm head over heels for who makes me feel like gold...or maybe it's that I finally stopped letting myself be taken advantage of at Disney and went out and got myself a better job, a good job that lets me use my brain and make better money.

All of this makes me so excited and impatient for the future. If I'm this happy now, imagine how happy I can be when I have all of those things that I want. I can't wait to move out of here and to not have to worry about every penny in my bank account. That's my biggest stress right now, besides school.

I live for weekends when I get to be with John, and the weeks go by so fast. I can't believe tomorrow is already Wednesday. Ew, my worst day of the week, but yay because it's one day closer to Friday! It's almost March already and time is going by so fast! Today is 7 months for me and John. =)

And I just have to say how much I can't stand studying for Bio and I've found almost every possible distraction that exists tonight...and now I've exhausted all of them so I guess it's back to studying for me =(

i wont go home without you

I GOT THE JOB AT THE DAYCARE!!!!!!! Monday, Wendesday and Fridays after class until the daycare closes!!!

I have to train for two weeks starting a week from today. I also have to get a doctor's note saying I don't have TB and get certified in first aid and CPR. I already went to the doctor today and got tested for TB, and I'm signing up for the Child Care class at the red cross for the 16th. Yay! I also have another interview tomorrow at Portland Care and Rehab for an office job that would be Tuesday and Thursday mornings. I really, really, REALLY hope I get that one too. Then I could easily quit Disney or at least drop to per diem and not have to work anymore weekends!

Today was so productive, I wish everyday could be like today. I got up at 7 and did a bunch of homework. Then I had to go to the gynecologist to get the Gardasil vaccine. I kind of think this is ironic because it's to vaccinate you against HPV and obviously I'm in a relationship so I don't see how I'm going to go out and get an STD but anyways, at least now I can rest easy that I won't get HPV or cervical cancer. I was dead set against getting this vaccine because it's so new and studies have only been going on for 5 years, and I was worried about the longterm affects concerning the ability to have kids. Anyways. So I went to the interview after that and she gave me a tour of the place and then hired me on the spot. Yay! I got really excited and texted John right away and then called my parents cause I was flipping out. Then I went to the gym and worked off some of my excitement, went home and cancelled my hair apointment for tomorrow because I dont have the money to pay for it, made another doctor's apointment for tonight to get the TB shot, and did more homework. Then I called the convalescent home and she wanted to hire me over the phone! So I made an apointment for an interview tomorrow after class, yay for that. Then I had class, the TB apointment and came home. And I've done a ton of research for my religon paper tonight too.

Obviously I'm not being productive right now, but I've done more today than I did all of last semester combined. For real. I dont know what's so different this semester. I'm more organized, motivated, and I am way way WAY happier. Whatever it is, I hope it lasts.

I am determined to go see a show on Broadway before the end of the year. I really want to see the Lion King or Little Mermaid like SO bad. I pretty much just want to go to NYC. I've never been and I live two freaking hours from the city. That's sad.

John McCain and Obama won the CT primaries. I like Obama, but I'm afraid that if he is elected President either he'd be assasinated or some other country would attack us. I hate Hilary. I love McCain, so I'm voting for him because it's pretty obvious at this point that he'll get the bid for Republicans. Oh, and my grandma refers to Hilary as the lesbian whore, which I find hysterical. She blurted that out at dinner last Sunday and I think my dad almost choked on his steak. If you want to stay sane, never ever bring up politics or religion around her. Anyways.

YAY FOR NEW JOBS!

somewhere in the rush i felt we're losing ourselves

I am ridiculously cranky and mopey and hate being stuck at home all day alone with nothing to do. I've been in a weird mood for the last couple days anyway and on the verge of crying all day which is really unlike me. And I'm not even getting my period so I can't even use that as an excuse.

This is like the fourth time in two weeks where everyone has been out doing whatever and I'm stuck home by myself. I. Hate. That. =( Sometimes I feel so insignificant and I get really frustrated with myself and my life and I think that's what's going on right now. I feel like I'm being a big baby and I probably am but I don't feel like doing anything about it.

Asdfgjkdhfgfdh.