memory lane

I just was reading through old journals I had when I was really sick. I wrote all the time then, it kind of got my mind off of being sick even though all I ever wrote about was being sick - if that makes sense.

Sometimes I forget just how bad it was. How close I came to actually dying, how miserably low I felt all the time, how physically exhausted I was, how lonely I was. I mean, my life has completely turned around. COMPLETELY. I've gone from starving myself five days in a row, throwing up so much that I almost tore a hole in my throat, burning thousands of calories a day at the gym, causing so much damage to my heart and spending two months in a hospital...to being for the most part, really healthy - physically and emotionally. I still have a lot of damage in my throat and I still bleed sometimes and I still get heart palpitations, but those things are never going to go away. I still feel bad about how I look and I still criticize myself every day. I still wish I was thinner and feel insecure eating in front of people - but I can deal with it now.

I can manage my fears and my resentment and I know when to ask for help. I never thought I'd be able to say that I haven't thrown up in six months, but now I can. SIX MONTHS. I used to throw up over six times a day, and I haven't done it in SIX MONTHS. That's amazing to me, and I'm so proud of myself. I havent purposely starved myself in four months. I haven't purposely overdone it at the gym in four months. I haven't counted calories in two months. I realize now that I need to stay on my medication...it really helps me stay focused in all this. And I think it's worth it, to be able to feel somewhat normal is just a really, really good thing.

I know I'll never be completley over it. I'll always have the physical affects - the tear in my throat and the heart issues - but they're manageable and wont affect me that much. I'll always have an eating disorder because I've accepted the fact that I'll always have to work at staying "sober" from it, just like any other addictive disease, but I can be in control of it. I've learned to trust people again and to love who I am because it's who I am that matters, not what I look like.

I don't know where all of this is coming from, apparently reliving the my my life of the last two years made me realize just how far I've really come. And I'm really proud of myself, what I've done, and who I am right now. I don't really tell people about this part of my life because I don't want it to define me anymore, but it's always going to be a part of me. Just not all of me.