Today has been such a weird day. Lately I've wanted nothing to do with school, which completely makes sense in my head. I've been going to school since I was four and I've pretty much just had it. I'm so sick of it. I just want to be working full time. Thank GOD I have only three semesters left, but it feels like an eternity. I hate school. I have to convince myself everyday to not skip any classes, and lately I haven't been winning those battles. But you know, I'm not going to stress about it because it's not the end of the world.
I had a mental breakdown on John tonight. I feel so bad when I do this to him, because I am fully aware of how insane I seem. Most of the time, I'm pretty level-headed and reasonable, unlike most girls my age. But I just have these moments sometimes when I feel like I'm really dumb and stupid and a pain in the butt to everyone around me. Normal, right? I think so, I'm pretty sure most people have these days. But still, I get so mad at myself when I let it affect people around me. I was fine all day and then out of nowhere I just started feeling ridiculous, which makes me so mad. I obviously can't help the way I feel but I can't stand when it affects other people because usually I'm so careful about not letting my mood affect other people. I went nuts tonight venting to John about everything that annoys me - seriously, everything. And that just makes me feel bad about myself because I should be thankful for all that I have, not angry because stupid things bother me. And I feel lazy and stupid because I could be so much smarter and so much more organized and so much more put together. I could be so many things that I'm not and most days, I'm fine with that. Most days I like who I am. Tonight though, man, I have no idea why I started feeling like such a piece of crap. It's nights like these that make me appreciate him even more. I can't really explain how he does it, but somehow he calms me down and helps me realize that things really are OK. He just knows exactly what to say to make me feel better and I'm just constantly grateful that he's a part of my life. And I feel so so so lucky to have him.
I am freezing and have been almost all day. It's driving me crazy, I absolutely hate being so cold. I think I'm going to go take a super hot shower and go to bed because I have another headache and I'm still as nauseaus as I was when I got up this morning. I have had the weirdest appetite lately, but I think it has more to do with the fact that I just dont want to cook anything. I swear, if I didnt have to take this medicine I'm on I wouldn't, because it makes me have no desire to eat. Which, considering my lack-of-eating history, is not good, even though the whole point of the medicine is to make me NOT think about what I'm eating. I guess its doing its job because I dont really care what I eat...so I dont know why I'm complaining. Maybe if I didn't have to go get fuckin anorexic when I was 16 I wouldn't always be so cold and/or obsessive about what I eat. I think I just need to go to bed.
1 comment:
I had a breakdown the night before last, too. I was a mess most of the day yesterday after it, too. Over all my issues and how they affect my life and all the stupid aspects of it. I'm glad John was so good about it, I'm sure he doesn't mind and wants to be there for you.
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