So maybe I'm just making all the wrong decisions. I've spent two years in school to be a teacher and have never really felt like it was what I wanted to do. So I'm not applying to the Ed program in September. I can't justify spending tons of money on the Praxis and wasting a ton of energy in a program that wont even benefit me. I almost feel like I've chosen education because it's what everyone has expected me to do. I don't have any amazing talents or abilities, so teaching just kind of fits, especially considering I love kids. I think that if I was really meant to be a teacher, I'd be a little more confident of it.
But then I also have to consider my complete lack of confidence in all areas of my life, which is no doubt contributing at least in part to my confusion right now. My new plan? Double major in history and sociology, which gives me a huuuuge array of career choices once I graduate. I think I'd like to do work with a non-profit organization, maybe event planning or PR work. This doesn't postpone my graduation plans at all, because a soc major is the same number of credits as the ed program would have. Plus, if ten years down the road I realize I do want to be a teacher, it's not like I'd have to start all over to get certified.
I think I underestimate myself a little too much. This pertains to all aspects of my life, but especially to my confidence. Today I bought a pair of shorts at NY&Co that were a size down from what I've been wearing. I don't know why I did this, especially because I left the store without trying them on (this is pretty much setting myself up for disaster because I know full well how I react to clothes not fitting me). I got home and tried them on right away and to my complete and utter shock, they fit me. They were not tight or snug or anything but perfect. Shocking, especially because I have not been in this size since before I went into the hospital last spring. The thing that really gets me is that I have not counted calories in probbaly, ohhhh at least a month. This is HUGE for me. I haven't starved myself in over a month and I haven't thrown up in about two months. I have weighed myself twice since the accident, which is definitely better than four times a day. These are huge accomplishments for me, and the thing that really makes me proud is that I've gone down a whole size without obessing about it. I even bought a shirt in a size small (!!!) and it fits everything but my boobs (of course - but that's okay). I'm not really sure what my point is, but I think I should stop underestimating myself. I can get better, I can be normal, and I can be okay with my body. Now, THAT day is way way way far away, but someday I know I'll get to that point.
I think this is also part of the reason why I can't be with anyone right now. I mean, I could be with someone, but only if they could deal with all my insecurities and I'm not sure I can expect anyone to do that. I can handle a relationship and I can handle the commitment and I can handle whatever someone else throws my way, but for some reason I feel like I shouldn't be in a relationship unless I can be perfect for him. Now, I know I will never be perfect, so I guess what I need to do is accept that. But I think it all comes full circle, because one of my biggest fears is having someone decide they can't be with me because of my flaws. Even though I know everyone has them - I guess I just make myself believe mine are worse than the next persons. Maybe I'm just afraid of rejection. I know how I react to it, it affects my eating because that's where my eating disorder stems from. And I've worked so SO hard in the last 18 months to undo years of starving my body - way too hard to just let it go. Maybe I'm afraid of losing control of my eating. I dont talk about it with anyone because no one gets it. Everyone just assumes an eating disoder is all vanity when it really isn't. I can't even handle rejection when I'm seeing someone casually, or even just rejection from anyone.
I still can't bend my index finger, even after surgery. I shouldn't complain because there are so many people suffering in this world, but I do anyway. That's something else I need to work on.
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