how long do we have to wait

I hate these days. I feel so blah all day, come home, and do nothing.

Every night this week I've gone to bed telling myself that tomorrow will be better, that I'll get more accomplished and feel good about the day. And everyday I have barely had the energy to get out of bed, let alone make myself feel useful during the day.

I feel so alone in this house. It's like coming home to an empty house. My mom only asks me about my day to see if there's anyone she can gossip about in town, and when I try to tell her how my day really was, she does that half-listening thing and says "ok" every few minutes because she thinks it will make her seem interested. My sister is so self-absorbed and trying to talk to her is pointless because she get gets irritated...unless, of course, she wants something, and then it's a totally different story.

The house is disgusting, there is so much clutter everywhere. My parents have stacks of thier clothes sitting on our family room floor waiting to be ironed, and they leave their dishes in the sink for days. My parent's mail accumulates on the kitchen table for weeks at a time until there is no more room for mail. My sister is so self-absorbed that she doesn't notice any of this, let alone the messes she makes and leaves behind. The upstairs bathroom is disgusting and everyone leaves wet towels just laying on the floor. I seriously wish I didn't have to live here. I try to keep my areas clean and I do, but it makes no difference when the rest of the house is a mess. I clean up after myself but you would never know it.

I know I sound selfish and unappreciative. My parents let me live here rent-free, and thank god, because I can barely afford to get by right now while I'm in school. It is just SO frustrating, coming home to this everyday. I can't even go to sleep when I want to because my mom is so loud and runs around upstairs, slamming doors and talking on the phone. My house is small, and cramped, and old, and is never quiet. I never get to bed before midnight even when I try.

Some days I just want someone to talk to, about anything. Talking to John isn't easy because we're apart during the week and I really don't feel like talking online is really talking.

I feel like I'm stuck in this rut of school and work, and I'm not actually getting anywhere. I'll graduate, but I still wont be able to get a job until I finish grad school. I feel like my life is going to be static until then...I wont get anywhere financially, I wont be able to start a career...it's like I'm just stuck indefinitely. Is it even worth it?

I just really hate feeling so helpless.