Balance

I am still anxiously waiting for the photographer to send us the photos from the wedding - I am sure it will be at least another four weeks until we get them. Despite my desire to post about nothing other than our wedding day and how insanely happy I am to be married to my best friend, I am trying to keep this blog active, which means I have to post about something OTHER than our wedding day and how insanely happy I am to be married to my best friend until our photos are in. So. Here's another guest photo to hold you (mostly me) over until the wait is over:



Since we have returned from our wedding/honeymoon, I have felt like such a slug. We ate so much food in Disney which is fine - it was vacation, and Disney food is SO yummy. But, the week we got back was also the start of my monthly hormonal food-fest and I nearly ate my body weight in food for a week straight. Last week I tried to watch what I ate and I did cut back. I ate salad every day for lunch and did not snack as much after dinner. But, one of my co-workers brought in a huge bag of mini Hershey bars (dark chocolate, to be specific) and I had epic fails every afternoon. There was one afternoon where I think I ate 8 or 9 of them! So, while my meals were better, my mid-afternoon chocolate binges did not help my cause.

I weighed myself last Monday and despite my scale suddenly reading my weight in kilograms rather than pounds, I saw the highest weight I've ever seen. To be fair, there was a good stretch of time where I did not weigh myself due to my eating disorder, and it's very possible that I've weighed as much as 10 lbs more than I do now, but it is very eye-opening to see a number you've never seen on the scale before. People tell me all the time that I look great. I don't believe it. I think people say that to me a lot because of my history with eating disorders, as if telling me I look thin will keep those behaviors and tendencies at bay. Wrong.

Yes, I look thinner than I did when I was purging all the time because purging made my face very swollen and puffy. As soon as I went a month without purging, my face totally thinned out. I think the way I dress now really hides a lot of my imperfections compared to the way I dressed a few years ago. I know which styles flatter my body shape and wear those more than other styles. I loved my wedding dress for the fact that it laced up and helped "control" my biggest problem area. But, I am so self-conscious of nearly every part of my body.

I hate my arms. I hate how they look so floppy in a lot of our guest's wedding photos. I hate my scar. This was actually a big question for me on the wedding day - to cover it up or to leave it alone. I chose to leave it alone because it kind of brought John & me together. But, I am still embarrassed to have the Rocky Mountains engraved on my left arm. I hate my thighs. I hate how large they are and the fact that I have cellulite on them. I hate my belly. Sometimes I feel like I look like a pregnant person at the end of the day.

So, I need to do something about these insecurities. Only, it is hard for me to do that without reverting to my old ED habits. It's hard for me to count calories because I tend to get very obsessive about them and over time I cut back more, more, more and even more. It's hard for me to NOT count calories because I lost track of how much I've eaten. I forget that every little bite here and there adds up. I forget that liquids have calories. It's a hard balance to maintain - keeping track but not over-doing it. I love to exercise but I hate actually doing it. I procrastinate like there's no tomorrow. I find every reason to not start. Once I do, I love it. It's getting to that point that is hard for me. I need to just treat it like brushing my teeth or taking a shower - something that just gets done everyday without thinking.

So, here I go. Tomorrow is my first day of calorie-cutting and exercise (on our brand new and very expensive elliptical). If nothing else, I have to use it or else John will be really mad at me for spending so much money on it!